Top 5 Products That You, Personally, Should Endorse

Tim's Top 5:
I'm not necessarily looking for products they'd want you to endorse, mind you, but products that you wholeheartedly support and could shill for without even batting an eyelash.

1) Propel Fitness Water with Calcium - In one month I went from actually being a touch overweight for the first time in my life to being a well-toned athlete capable of running 7 miles just because and finishing a half-marathon. In that month, I have almost cut out drinking soda (1 20 oz. bottle a day sometime between 9:30 and noon) and at home and in the gym, I drink this stuff. While the mixed berry flavor is nothing to write home about, the calcium flavors of mango and mandarin orange have now become the best justification for owning a warehouse club membership. And it's the only flavored beverage with calories that doesn't have high fructose corn syrup. Well done, gatorade.

2) Citrix - I'm not even sure what the name for this is for people other than my employer, it's the equivalent of Gotomypc, since it provides remote access to my firm's server, so that I can work from home -- and lord, I've spent far too many hours doing so. As much as I generally dislike working as a whole, working from home is a much more pleasant experience.


3) Mountain Dew - It's not coincidental that two beverages crack this list, since most of my adult life has been focused on one sort of drinking or another, but Mountain Dew is the one soda I still covet in the morning when I've managed to procure it from the office galley (yes, we have a galley). It's rarely put out for attorney lunches, but when it is, all of them go back to my office with me. It's not great out of cans, but for some reason it's ideal in the 20 oz. plastic bottle. Well done, Pepsi Corporation, it beats out Pepsi One, since you can't get that in 20 oz. plastic bottles and that's all I drink now.

4) Taco Bell food - I really don't eat fast food on a regular basis anymore, but when I do, it's this place I'm heading to.

5) Video IPod - I fought it forever, becoming one of the last people on earth who ever came into possession of one of these things. Now it's an indispensable part of my life -- I've already spent $70 in complementary products (IPod alarm clock that I use to play it at work; AC Adapter (since rendered relatively pointless by said alarm clock), the absurdly priced action jacket so I can use it while exercising...not to mention the Sharper Image IPod speakers my brother has which I covet. It has some drawbacks, but they're actually pretty minimal. The IPhone is lame, though, sorry, but the amount of technology I need in my phone is limited to telephonic communication -- having a phone that plays songs on ITunes seems like a minor benefit at best.

Honorable mention: XM Radio, the 1999 Saturn (I don't like my car, but I still drive it when I could clearly buy something much better); Old El Paso refried beans.

Dan's Top 5:

1. Fender Guitars and Basses - Oh yeah, I'm a musician, too. I keep forgetting. Anyway, I've always prefered the look, feel, and sound of Fender instruments to anything else, especially Gibson and all its sub-companies. The necks are long enough for my big hands to not cramp up too much, and the tones are usually awesome. My dream is to be able to build a custom Stratocaster copy, though. And my main instrument right now is my Geddy Lee Jazz Bass that I bought last summer.

2. The Homeplace - Enough food to kill a small dog for only $12. All-you-can-eat roast beef, fried chicken, biscuits, corn, macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes and gravy brought out to your table to pass around amongst your party like you were actually eating at home. A visit to Homeplace is typically reserved for special occasions, or when it is learned that someone hasn't ever experienced it yet. Prepare by fasting and ensuring that your stomach is really empty.

3. MATLAB - The single most useful piece of software I ever use, it performs a host of operations and simulations that are necessary for me to give the illusion that I know what I'm doing when it comes to engineering. I can write out lines of code, hit F5, and instantly generate graphical representations of data that will make anyone go, "Hmmm, interesting."

4. Zebra G-301 Gel Pens - The first ever stainless steel gel pen. I've been a fan of the F-301 for a long time, but I would always switch between that and some crappy gel or ink pen when I needed something darker. No longer, as I now have the fantastic stainless steel executive-ish pen that will produce writing dark enough to show up on photocopies.

5. Nestle French Vanilla Coffee-Mate Creamer - I started drinking coffee not even a week ago, and this is probably the reason I'm finally acquiring a taste for it. I'd like to eventually be able to drink it black, but goddamn, this stuff is good.

Honorable mention: Newman's Own Sockarooni Sauce (which I use for pizza), Umbro soccer equipment, Microsoft Xbox 360, Vizio LCD Televisions

Ryan's Top Five

1. Quik Trip (any and all products) - This sounds like I'm joking, but you really must go to a QT to experience its greatness. 7-11 will always have a special place in my heart, but the operation QT runs is so ridiculously above all the other gas station competitors, it's odd they don't have locations everywhere. They must brainwash their employees, or threaten them with beatings like Wal-Mart (I assume), as the customer service is rigidly friendly and remarkably fast. Every location is clean, too. It's like the Target of gas stations, but better, and all other gas stations are K-Mart. More than half the time, I will get one 44 oz. caffeine free diet coke per day from Quik Trip, for $1.06.

2. Wendy's Crispy Chicken Sandwich - I almost said Wendy's, but this is the only thing I ever order there. That said, .99 for a damn good chicken sandwich (with lettuce that is actually crispy) = tres bien. Whenever I'm working and have the means and the time, my lunch invariably (read: every single time) is a 44 oz drink from QT and two crispy chicken sandwiches.

3. Nacho Lunchables - I'm eating one right now. At Wal-Mart, they're 2/$3, which means my lunch every day at school (I vary it occasionally with pizza and cracker-sandwiches lunchables) costs me about 1.70 or so, if you count the soda I bring. Sure, it's not enough food for a meal, which is probably why I'm losing weight (that and the fact that I'm moving almost every single second of the day at work, usually on foot). So, health bonus. You know, sort of. It actually is the perfect amount of food for work, as I'm usually not that hungry and have stuff to do over my lunch break as it is.

4. Barnes & Noble - Not really a product, but hey, why not. I can spend a very long time at this place, and I usually end up not buying anything because I'm a cheap bastard who prefers to find bargains at used bookstores. But, for some reason, I will never pass on an opportunity to go to a Barnes & Noble. It's a confusing addiction, I'll give you that.

5. Slurpee X-treme Gulp - Dan brings up a good point in that the product I like more is in fact the renowned X-treme Gulp (pronounced, we've decided, "kh-streem gulp"). It takes a special kind of mentality to convince yourself that getting 64 oz of diet coke is healthy, but I have this mentality. Here's my original response for slurpee: "This, of course, deserves mention. I haven't had as much recently as I don't live in the same town as 7-11, but to be fair I consumed enough in high school to keep me in good stead for my and several others' lifetimes. Coke or cherry are the only two flavors I consider."

Top 5 Breakfast Cereal Mascots

OK, what the hell? No new posts since Monday? Well, here's one for you that's completely accessible to anyone and everyone.

Dan's Top 5:

1. Tony The Tiger, Frosted Flakes - Not my favorite, but who am I to deny the king of breakfast cereal his rightful throne? The fact that he's great with kids and ultra-cool has thankfully diverted investigations of steroid abuse, of which I'm almost sure he's guily. I mean, look at the size of his upper body. A tiger isn't supposed to be able to bench-press that much.

2. Buzz Bee, Honey Nut Cheerios - Again, not so much my favorite, but do you remember that older Christmas commercial, wherein Buzz actually warmed the heart of the classic old miser, Ebenezer Scrooge? All with the power of a bowl of cold, yet tasty, breakfast cereal. That means Buzz had as powerful an effect as four ghostly spirits and a handful of grim lifetime experiences.

3. The Trix Rabbit, Trix - Talk about rotten luck. This guy never gets to enjoy what we would assume would be the standard perk of getting to enjoy the same cereal that you promote day in and day out. I remember there was a huge vote held as to whether the rabbit should be allowed to finally have a bowl... "While he is known to have previously enjoyed a bowl in 1976, following this public intervention in 1980 he has not succeeded in gaining access to Trix's fruity goodness again, and anti-rabbit sentiment persists within the animated juvenile community." God, I love Wikipedia.

4. L.C. "Lucky" Leprechaun, Lucky Charms - Really, Lucky is about on par with the Trix rabbit, the only difference being that he is actually defending what is rightfully his - his breakfast cereal. Then again, you can't feel too bad for him, as he has magic on his side. I suspect that at any point he could willfully set the thieving children ablaze, but instead lets them have their fun.

5. Count Chocula, Count Chocula - I didn't actually try this cereal until I was in college. Can you believe that? I can't, especially since it was promoted by the most amiable cartoon vampire ever, even accounting for Count Duckula. His image was cheapened by the existence of boo Berry and Frankenberry, even the Fruit Brute back in the day (see Tarantino's first two movies), but there's no denying that Count Chocula was king of the monsters.

Honorable mention: Sugar Bear (Golden Crisp), Sonny (Cocoa Puffs), Wendell the Baker (Cinnamon Toast Crunch)

Ryan's Top Five

Dan you ignorant slut. How dare you leave off El Capitan?

1. The Cap'n, Cap'n Crunch - O Captain! My Captain! This guy is so good at promoting children's breakfast food that Walt Whitman once wrote a famous poem in his honor--BEFORE HE WAS EVEN BORN. According not to wikipedia but to my own personal wealth of Cap'n knowledge, his full name is Cap'n Horatio Magellan Crunch. His parents no doubt named him after two well-known seafarers: Horatio Nelson and Ferdinand Magellan. With a name like that, how could one not grow up to become one of the best-known children's breakfast cereal nautical icons of the latter half of the twentieth century in the USA?

2. Tony the Tiger, Frosted Flakes - I won't quibble with you here, Dan. Who hasn't spend hours upon hours rehashing the tired drunken argument, "Who would win in a fight between Tony the Tiger and the Cap'n?" We all know so many variables come into play, but I ask again, as I have countless times before: does Tony have access to a cannon? I don't think so. Advantage: Cap'n.

3. Count Chocula, Count Chocula - Growing up, my dad was out of the house on frequent six-month deployments for the Navy. Occasionally in search of a male role model, I turned to Mr. Chocula, who taught me everything I know about manners, humility, and chocolate-flavored corn cereal bits and marshmallows.

4. Toucan Sam - Cereal mascots taught me most everything I know about the animal kingdom, like, for instance, that toucans and tigers can talk, and that they love cereal. Incidentally, Toucan Sam deserves special mention for being one of the greatest salesmen of his time; did you know that, despite the different colors of Froot Loops, they all have the same flavor? I've said it before and I'll say it again: Toucan Sam could sell a refrigerator to an Eskimo. Or an Inuit, rather.

5. The Trix Rabbit - May the children who taunt this rabbit so burn for all eternity in cereal hell (much more chocolatey than real hell).

Tim's Top 5:

1) Tony the Tiger - Frosted Flakes - No contest here, if he'd told me to smoke, I'd have done so, glad that I could fulfill his desire after turning something as wholesome as corn flakes into compressed lumps of high fructose corn syrup. They're grrrreat! is pretty much all I remember from years of Saturday morning cartoons and really all I remember post-Saturday morning cartoons also. This might be a sign of grave dangers ahead.

2) Cap'n Crunch - Note that he's not technically referred to as "Captain", just Cap'n, since he was banished from Her Majesty's navy after keelhauling Dig'Em the Frog. While he doesn't rank as high in my esteem as his naval superiors Captain Morgan or Admiral Nelson, he is a perfect marketing tool for cereal that provides 900% of your RDA of mouth-tearing crunchiness. Whether it's the absurd Village People sailor's uniform or the aged Ron Jeremy moustache, there's just something about the Cap'n that permits me to overlook the wanton homosexual overtones of the whole cereal.

3) Fruit Brute - There's a lot of camp value in a werewolf who feasts on fruity cereal...and he earns a lot of street cred just for being unsuccessful, because General Mills has its head up its ass when it comes to hawking cereal. Frankenberry is the best of the monster-based cereals, yet it's virtually impossible to find in a reputable grocery store, but you'll find Count Chocula in 7-11s nationwide like it's too hard to just go buy some cocoa puffs. (See #5)

4) Frankenberry - Count Chocula is a little too jocular to be selling chocolate, he's not even promoting a cereal that's reddish in tint. It's just utterly inappropriate, since vampires and chocolate are a total mismatch. However, a lust for Frankenberry was one of my strongest emotions in college, proving that it does in fact appeal to the undead. More importantly, it's hardly outlandish that if a person were constructed from the body parts of criminals, they would walk the earth in search of marshmallows. This is a fat country.

5) Sonny The Cuckoo Bird - Cocoa Puffs - Any cereal which promotes insanity = well worth your effort. I don't much care for the cereal itself, but given the additives and chemicals that have seeped into most everyday foods over the last two decades, it's only a matter of hours before Cocoa Puffs are in fact linked to schizophrenia and perhaps bird schizophrenia. Truth in advertising = it works.

Dishonorable mention: The Trix Rabbit for performing a valuable social service by informing young middle-class white children that their role in the world is to either oppress the needy or cause wanton pain in animals. Without you, Trix Rabbit, Michael Vick would just be a lousy quarterback, not a lousy quarterback with a zeal for murdering dogs; Fruity Pebbles because the Flintstones suck. Period.