Top 5 Travesties in the 2008 All-Star Game

Tim's Top 5:
In case you hadn't noticed, and unless you were me, you hadn't...today is The Top 5's first birthday. Instead of something truly special to commemorate its first birthday...I'm going to complain about how much baseball fans are truly ignorant and how much worse baseball players and managers apparently are. That's right, I need two blogs to do this now.

I can be silent no longer! (note: in fact, I've already created a facebook group called "Jason Varitek is not an all-star", so it's hard to claim I've been silent thus far). This year's All-Star rosters have several travesties, which are hard to even reduce to such a brief list. So this list commemorates the awful inclusions, exclusions, and other potentially abhorrent aspects of the 2008 All-Star Game.

1. Jason Varitek is named to the AL All-Star Team - This one's on the players. Jason Varitek's offensive numbers just barely beat out my own. He's batting a whopping .217 with seven home runs, 27 RBIs, and slugged .360 in 242 at bats, when he's batting around guys like Kevin Youkilis, Dustin Pedroia, Mike Lowell, Manny Ramirez, and David Ortiz. In contrast, Kelly Shoppach, who has filled in as part of baseball's least potent lineup while Victor Martinez has been on the DL, has hit .270 with seven home runs and 20 RBIs while slugging .493! in 148 at bats. I don't hesitate to say that I would take every single American League starting catcher over Varitek and I know that every one of them could be defensible on a purely statistical basis.

2. Ichiro Suzuki -- again -- This one's on the fans. Yeah, here we go again. Japanese people should not be permitted to vote for the All-Star Game, because they really make a mockery of the All-Star game, electing both Ichiro Suzuki and Kosuke Fukudome as starters (thank god for Chase Utley, otherwise Kaz Matsui was almost assured a spot of his own). Kosuke is certainly unworthy, but not nearly unworthy on the level of Ichiro. Ichiro has warranted being in the All-Star game in years past, but this is not one of them. He's .304/.362/.376 for a whopping OPS of .738, an OPS matched only by 22 other outfielders in the American League, out of 32 who are eligible. Yes, Ichiro steals bases, and yes, that brings some value, but even if we added those thirty three steals to his slugging percentage (turn 33 singles into doubles), which is an utterly preposterous exaggeration of their value, since doubles are hits that lead to other batters scoring more frequently, whereas steals only help if people after Ichiro get hits...Ichiro has an OPS of .920, which would be good for the second best in the American League...except that if we did that for everyone else, he'd still barely be clinging to the top 10. He has the 13th best OBP among qualifying AL outfielders, he's not a good defensive player in centerfield (.879 zone rating, roughly equivalent to Josh Hamilton (.874), way behind Sizemore .922 and Granderson .909), and his inclusion leads to Brandon Morrow missing an all-star game even though he has an ERA of 0.65! and has become an effective closer (7 saves in 7 opportunities) after dominating in a setup role.

3. Joe Crede? Seriously? - Joe Crede is having a perfectly adequate season for the surprising White Sox. Except whoops...Evan Longoria and Mike Lowell are the only people who have a claim to this spot, given that Guillen is a lock because of his lousy teammates. You can't even blame this one on old-school people who are enamored with batting average to the exclusion of OBP and OPS, because Crede is worse than Lowell and Longoria in substantially worse than both Lowell and Longoria in average, OBP, and OPS.

4. Derek Jeter - This is on the fans, but would have been on the players, who would have chosen him anyway. This guy is a really shitty baseball player, and I am so tired of seeing him get sucked off by baseball as a whole. He's not even the second best shortstop in the American League (see my analysis on hunglikeajury.blogspot.com, which has only been skewed more in Peralta's favor since I wrote it), but he gets voted in without even a thought as to whether another person is more worthy. In fact, no shortstops are particularly worthy, Pedroia should just be forced to play shortstop in the all-star game to make room for adequate infielders, but Jeter is definitely not worth starting.

5. It "counts" - This one's on the commissioner. The home field advantage for the World Series is stupid and reeks of Bud Selig trying to make things "relevant".

Honorable mentions: the fact that someone other than Cliff Lee will inevitably start the All-Star game, Miguel Tejada, Brian Wilson, Pat Burrell being left behind despite leading NL outfielders in OPS, Miguel Tejada, the fact that I have to admit Jason Giambi's steroided ass is worthy of playing in the All-Star game, Xavier Nady being left off.

Dan's Top 5:

Now, I haven't been paying that much attention to baseball this year, but I have been paying attention enough to realize that the Cubs are one of the best teams in the majors, at least in terms of winning percentage. Being the superstitious fan I am, I refuse to pay further attention to the game until I am sure that they have secured a playoff spot and cannot possibly collapse. So that's my disclaimer - I haven't been paying attention this season. And I'm too lazy to look up any more than the most basic of stats.

1. The Boston Red Sox - Wow, Boston be representin' with seven players. They must be lighting up the standings. Wait, what's that? They're not even winning their division? Where the hell are the Rays? Don't tell me that the reason that Tampa Bay is 4.5 games ahead of the Red Sox is because of Navarro and Kazmir alone. Now, to be fair, I'll give you #2...

2. Seven versus Seven - Both Boston and the Chicago Cubs have seven players elected to the All-Star Game. Even as a fan of the Cubs, I think this is a bit much. Let the World Series come at the end of the season, no matter how badly you wanted to see both teams make it in 2003. Wait, my whole argument assumes that there are other players in the NL that are suitable for the All Star roster... How about Xavier Nady or something? He's batting fucking .321. (I actually hadn't even looked at Tim's list for this idea before I wrote this one.)

3. Derek Jeter - I see that he's already made Tim's list, and after reading his capsule review, I wholeheartedly agree and have nothing of value to add. Why the hell do the people of New York like this asshat more than Alex Rodriguez anyway?

4. Yankee Stadium - This is the stadium's last year, right? OK, so there's a hint of wistful nostalgia here. But remember that this will essentially be the Cubs versus the Red Sox. Let's pray that it doesn't turn into the Cubs versus the Red Sox versus the drunk, pissed off New Yorkers. Then again, that would make for a hell of a Youtube video highlight.

5. Jason Varitek - Ok, after doing a bare minimum of research, I can see how this was Tim's #1. I think I'd rather have Kelly Shoppach on the All Star team than Varitek. Apart from the funny name, that's not even a joke. (Again, thought of this before I read Tim's response.)

Honorable Mention: Only Two Rays? - This was covered in #1 already, but seriously, it deserves one more mention.

Ryan's Top 5:

1. Joe Buck and Tim McCarver - I realize that by now we should be resigned to the fact that Fox owns the All-Star game. But I'm sorry, watching any sports on Fox makes me sad. Joe Buck's voice makes my skin crawl. (This and this pretty much sum it up for Buck.) As for Tim McCarver... well, I have a natural hatred for anyone associated with St. Louis (see Buck). And Fox is hiding the Family Guy clip I want to link to, so here's the dialog:

Brian Griffin: Well, I guess Stewie couldn't be any worse than Tim McCarver is at sportscasting.

[cut to Tim McCarver sportscasting]

Tim McCarver: In my view, as good as the Yankees were in the first half of this game, that's how as bad they've been now.

2. Jason Varitek - I agree with what Tim and Dan said. This really is the biggest All-Star mistake, I think everyone should agree with that.

3. 2/3 of the Cubs Outfield Starting - Anyone whose stats compare favorably with Alex Gordon this year shouldn't be starting in an all-star game. Also, if these two get in, shouldn't David DeJesus, who's arguably having a better year than both? The answer is no. None of them should.

4. Brian Wilson - This was the first name that jumped out at me (after, obviously Varitek, Soriano, Kosuke, Ichiro). Do we need two Giants in this game? Is the National League that bad? The Royals are a better team than the Giants, but we only get our best player in the game. Look, give this spot to Cole Hamels, please. Or another reliever--Jon Rauch? (The Nationals aren't that far off... though Cristian Guzman really shouldn't be in this game, I am not going to look at his stats, it's common sense, it's like you telling me the Chiefs would be in the Super Bowl next year.); Takashi Saito, Hong-Chih Kuo, Francisco Cordero, etc.?

5. Evan Longoria - First he gets left off the opening day roster, now the all-star roster. Come on, folks. Give the rookie his due. I'd much rather watch an up-and-coming superstar than Joe Crede (see Tim's list) or Mike freaking Lowell.

Dishonorable Mention: I hate the Home Run Derby, but I will watch it, and thus I will have to listen to Chris Berman for the first time since football season.

Top 5 Games on the NES

All I can say is I can't believe we didn't think of this before. So here's to all the wasted hours of my youth spent with the Nintendo Entertainment System!

Dan's Top 5:

1. Super Mario Bros. 3 - By far the best game in the entire system's history. It's hard to take a side-scrolling game - much less a Mario game - to a new level, but SMB 3 did it. This game was so huge, it required a major motion picture to unveil it. Of course, a more thorough review of both the game and the movie can be found courtesy of James Rolfe, the Angry Video Game Nerd.

2. Dragon Warrior - I really need to thank this game for saving me from what could have been an unhealthy obsession with the Final Fantasy series. I got the game free somehow - I seem to remember it being associated with my subscription to Nintendo Power magazine. Anyway, this game is the entire reason I've ever touched any subsequent RPG, and why I've never been surprised that I need to keep walking around outside to level up.

3. Marble Madness - The soundtrack to this game is burned into my memory. Really, it's a remarkably simple game taken from the arcade where you steer a marble towards a goal, trying to avoid both obstacles and the effects of physics. Like the board game Othello, it takes a minute to learn and a lifetime to master. Unlike Othello, this game will make your eyes bleed.

4. Battletoads - It seems that there might actually be mixed opinion on Battletoads. If so, then that's bullshit. Battletoads was such a unique idea that was so well-executed that it really breathed new life into the side-scrolling action genre later on in the platform's lifetime. In essence, it was the Vectorman of the NES. Know how much I loved Battletoads? I still remember that it was the cover-page game in issue #25 of Nintendo Power. And no, I didn't look that up.

5. Rampage - A giant lizard and a giant ape climbing and destroying buildings. That's it. This game is awesome enough that I don't need to write any more than that.

Honorable mention: Bases Loaded 2: Extra Innings, Dr. Mario, Duck Hunt, TMNT 2: The Arcade Game

Ryan's Top 5:

Surprisingly, I think this brought up more painful memories than happy ones. (I refuse to consider those fucking asshole crooks in Home Alone, a game I didn't beat until I had an emulator.)

Note: I was one of the rare kids who never owned MegaMan, Zelda, or Metroid. I think there's a support group now.

1. Super Mario Bros. 3 - I'm sorry, this is #1, period, on anyone's list. The day my mom bought me this game remains one of my most powerful childhood memories. If I spent one-tenth of the time and energy I gave this game on something more worthwhile, we'd probably have a cure for cancer by now. My bad, folks.

2. Castlevania - I suppose I spent more time watching my dad play this game than actually playing it, but that's like saying I spent more time on War and Peace than on Les Miserables. (Read it again folks, the weirdest analogy ever.) Anyway, this game scared me when I was a kid in the same way that rated-R movies did; it left me wanting more, more, more. If we ever go vampire-hunting, I'll be the one smashing candelabras and scouring the shards for hearts.

3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 - The first game in the series reminds me of that riddle about the boulder; can God create a game so hard that even He can't beat it? Anyway, it didn't dampen my enthusiasm for all things Turtle (up to and including this), so when game #2 came out, a little more light started shining in my world.

4. Duck Tales - If you never played this game, then you're probably puzzled by its presence in a Top 5 list. If you played this game, you know. You know.

5. Mike Tyson's Punch Out - It was this or Jaws. This game I easily watched more than I played, at my friend's house with every kid in the neighborhood. Who cares? I remember specific bouts with King Hippo or Don Flamenco better than any real-life boxing match. And hey, why has no one ever made a remake of this game?

Honorable mention: Jaws (probably my #6), Super Mario Bros 1, Tecmo Bowl (Joe Montana 94 was the first football game I was obsessed with), Tetris (more of a gameboy thing), Double Dragon 2, Ninja Gaiden (damn it, I did the whole list and left out Ninja Gaiden, damn it, damn it, damn it, all right, let's pretend this didn't happen, move along, move along...), Duck Hunt, Bubble Bobble, Marble Madness, NOT HOME ALONE.

Tim's Top 5:
Because my parents loved us, they didn't have to give my brother or myself a NES until we were almost too old to enjoy it. Emphasis on almost. Thus, we could stop making friends with people based on the available gaming options they had. However, it also shows because I owned...four of the games that get mentioned on the list at all (SMB3, Super Off Road, NES Play Action, Darkwing Duck, Baseball Stars) -- the rest were rentals, so my love for them was developed quickly, but has lasted to this day. I also didn't have any Zelda games (good for me, I've since determined), Metroid, Tecmo Bowl...

1. Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves - I have endorsed this game to everyone I know that I have ever so much as mentioned a Nintendo game to. Basically, four people. I didn't own the game, but I rented it, and that was enough to make me want to play it forever...but then my Nintendo died. The best thing about it was that you could play as multiple characters, including Azeem, which is the closest you'll ever get to being Morgan Freeman. It gives you multiple perspectives (who can forget melee mode?), and you kept adding people to your crew, including Duncan, who is blind. It mixes RPG elements with the actual gameplay. If you never played it, you can see it on this guy's Youtube review, although he hates the game. http://spoonyexperiment.com/games/RobinHood/

2. Super Mario Bros. 3 - I was actually the asshole who enjoyed Super Mario Bros. 2, but I was outvoted 1-1 by my brother, so we never actually owned it. This game just had a lot of great stuff in it. The graphics were a huge improvement on anything we'd seen from Nintendo, it was in the awesome movie The Wizard starring Fred Savage, the raccoon tail that would enable you to fly...that came from a leaf (none of these things are indicative of flight in the outside world), the Tanooki suit that was all but unusable, but cool anyway. The frog suit that would be awesome in some levels and a total hindrance if you managed to keep it beyond the water levels. The only real downside was that it was too easy to get all of these things, so there was no real challenge to the game when you got the strategy guide free with Nintendo Power.

3. Dr. Mario - All right, I only ever played this for the Nintendo 64, but it's one of the greatest games ever concocted by human minds. Even though it's very similar to Tetris, it discriminates against the color blind. Good enough for me. Oh, it also turns out that I'm really really good at Dr. Mario 64. That's all it takes.

4. Ivan "Ironman" Stewart's Super Off Road! - Ah, Ivan "Ironman" Stewart, your fame will never...begin. To this day, I have no clue who you are, though presumably you drive a truck through mud and run over nitro tablets. It was one of the rare games where I could occasionally beat my brother, though even that was rare. I'm not sure what it was that made me so videogame incompetent then, though I know that it probably carries on to this day.

5. NES Play Action Football - This was the football game I played, not that stupid Tecmo Bowl that everyone remembers. It's really not a very good game, and its comical reduction of football teams to only two or three changeable positions and a bizarre ratings system that made Maurice Carthon a tremendous running back and Ottis Anderson a drooling mental defect incapable of outrunning a defensive tackle or breaking a tackle from a cornerback with a 'boop' noise were among this game's many charms. It also reduced the NFL to 10 teams, but still included Sammy Winder.

Honorable mention: The Mega Man series, Darkwing Duck, Ninja Gaiden, Baseball Stars - you could upgrade your players...it was an amazing innovation, though ultimately self-defeating since you would get better ... and then the game would get easier, Star Wars (not The Empire Strikes Back, that game was ludicrously hard, I don't think I ever got beyond the Ice Planet Hoth), Not Bart vs. the Space Mutants. We paid a lot of money for that lousy game.

Top 5 Television Theme Songs - Lyrics Edition

And now for the logical follow-up to the last post.

Dan's Top 5:

1. The Greatest American Hero - "Believe It or Not" by Joey Scarbury - This is the pinnacle example of a television show's theme song being WAY too good for the show it represents. I'm not sure how successful the show was, but this song was a hit, reaching #2 on the charts. Can you even grasp this? It was one away from the top song in the entire country according to The Billboard Hot 100. And let's not forget "The Suzie," the episode of Seinfeld containing one of the best moments of the series, when we hear the #1 answering machine message of all time, "Believe it or not, George isn't at home."

2. Perfect Strangers - "Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now" by David Pomeranz - This is another instance of the song being much better than the show, but in this case, the show was really enjoyable. (To be fair, I can't judge Greatest American Hero having never seen an episode.) It takes a lot of talent for me to overlook the fact that one is a Scientologist (You shook your Etch-a-Sketch with War of the Worlds, Tom.) but Pomeranz apparently has the talent. He also did the theme to Zoobilee Zoo, and both infected my head when I was four years old. "Standin' Taaaaaaaaaaaaaall!"

3. Cheers - "Where Everybody Knows Your Name" by Gary Portnoy - This was the third attempt at writing a theme by Portnoy and Judy Angelo. The repeated rejection led them to start writing a sad tune over just two notes - B flat and F - and what followed was the beginning of one of the greatest themes ever. Who wants a beer?

4. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air - "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" by Will Smith - I'll confess that I didn't watch this show religiously when it was on while we were growing up. But I still know a significant percentage of the theme's lyrics and recognized it was ridiculously catchy. Yo, home smell you later!

5. Gilligan's Island - "The Ballad Of Gilligan's Isle" - written by Sherwood Schwartz and George Wyle, performed by The Wellingtons - Probably the song that makes me wary of any sort of short nautical expedition that is scheduled to last for three hours, lest I get marooned. And for the record, I prefer the version that name-checks The Professor and Mary-Ann. It really isn't that hard to sing them in, is it?

Honorable mention: The Jeffersons - "Movin' On Up," Green Acres - "Green Acres"

Ryan's Top 5:

Again, if you want the names of the composers/writers, I highly recommend www.wikipedia.com.

1. "Cheers" - "Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience" is firmly etched into my brain, as is every word to this song.

2. "Pete & Pete" - This is an excellent mid-90s alternative pop song that happens to be the tune for one of the greatest shows Nickelodeon's ever had a hand in. Man, whatever happened to Polaris? At least you can get this show on DVD, though, which is more than I can say for...

3. "Doug" - I mean, the only real lyrics are "doo doo doo doo," etc. But still, this song is from a time when cartoons were still good, funny, relevant to kids' lives, well-written, etc. And not about, for example, talking nautical sponges.

4. "Arthur and Friends" - I'd include this show on a guilty pleasure list--if I in any way felt guilty for liking it. I don't. And the theme song is performed by Ziggy Marley; reggae for kids is really, really underrated.

5. "David the Gnome" - We're doing top 5 kids' show theme songs including Cheers, right? Anyway, I really miss the French-Canadian animation of the 1980's, and all the musical genius it inspired.

Honorable mention: Frasier, Extras, Salute Your Shorts, Family Guy, Bill Nye the Science Guy, Reading Rainbow.

Tim's Top 5:
Again, my distaste for this category was fleeting.

1. The Monkees – Hey, hey, we’re the Monkees! Ok, they’re not good as a band, since they can’t play instruments. But they are remarkably good at times as a pop band, and the theme song is a typically inane but enjoyable theme.

2. Cheers – This is the prototype for a TV theme, because it actually makes you wish you were watching the show. Just two notes in and I wanted to pull out season 2 and start watching it, since I bought it too late into my summer associate year and no longer had a need to spend all my time in my apartment watching DVDs, because NCAA Football had come out.

3. The Wonder Years – Odd, this link goes to Joe Cocker performing “With a Little Help From My Friends”, not the Wonder Years theme! Yeah, I know, it’s a bit of a cop out, but it’s really Joe Cocker’s only good work that I’m aware of. The video has some huge dubbing issues, but it’s really better not to see him anyway.

4. Batman – Ok, admittedly, the only words to the song are “Batman”, but it has lyrics. It’s a song that is inseparable from the campy show from whence it came, but is still really appealing to me for some bizarre reason.

5. Underdog - While there are any number of cartoon songs that could make the claim to this (as evidenced by my unembarrassed ownership of the compilation album Saturday Morning – from which this version is taken, I’m partial to the theme of Underdog. Speed of lightning, roar of thunder, fighting all who rob or plunder, Underdog... Underdog!

Honorable mention: Darkwing Duck - Give me a break, I loved this show., Happy Days - I'm in disbelief this didn't make my top 5, The Greatest American Hero – quintessential Christopher Cross-y ‘80s theme that still makes me long for the days of not doing a damn thing; Reading Rainbow; Zoobilee Zoo (just watching three seconds of Ben Vereen made me nearly swallow my tongue, I shan't share).

Top 5 Television Theme Songs - Instrumental Edition

I decided to split this list up because a) there's too many good theme songs out there, and b) you can't really compare those themes with lyrics to those without. And for the record, any spoken narration does not qualify as lyrical content.

Dan's Top 5:

1. The A-Team - Theme by Mike Post - Probably the most formulaic show in history, but so much of its popularity is (in my mind) due to the awesome theme song, created by none other than the master of television theme songs, Mike Post. Listen to that theme, and you get pumped up. Right now as I'm thinking about it, I'm ready to punch someone, or shoot at them and miss them entirely, or adamantly express my disdain for traveling in airplanes.

2. The Critic - Theme by Hans Zimmer - Let me guess, this show is set in New York City. It's a dead giveaway once you hear jazz clarinet. But here's the thing - I love jazz clarinet and the theme is awesome. I could imagine having this song playing as I walk into work every day, and as I sit down at my computer, the song ends just like when Jay Sherman's going to bed. Can Zimmer do any wrong? If he has, I don't know about it.

3. Miami Vice - Theme by Jan Hammer - Remember how the 80's sucked? Oh yeah, that's right - they didn't. Say what you will about the series itself (I like it, but a lot of that is camp value. I have no problem with you hating the show.) But Hammer's theme was the new definition of cool. Just listen to it again, and you're just filled with the imagery of primitive synthesizers, neon pastels, and plastic that would come to define the decade.

4. The Simpsons - Theme by Danny Elfman - Do I really need to say anything here? The theme is deliberately wacky, and if there's anyone who can produce that sort of music, it's Danny Elfman . He's probably best known for his superhero themes nowadays, but really, his talent encompasses a wide range. Probably my favorite film (and television) composer.

5. The Venture Bros. - Theme by J. G. Thirlwell - New classic status at #5, as is standard practice. I don't even know if anyone else reading this blog has ever watched Cartoon Network's Adult Swim programming. Honestly, I wouldn't be offended if you didn't, because a lot of the programming is god-awful. However, one of the few really good shows is The Venture Bros., which, in essence is a mockery of 70's cartoons such as Jonny Quest. The adventurous theme fits perfectly, with a few electronic subtleties thrown in. The horns can be a bit harsh at times, though.

Honorable mention: Hawaii Five-O - Theme by Morton Stevens, Mission: Impossible - Theme by Lalo Schifrin, Sanford and Son - Theme by Quincy Jones

Ryan's Top 5:

I don't have the courage to look up on my laptop who wrote/composed the following songs.

1. The Simpsons - I like going with different answers on the whole, but screw that--this best instrumental theme song ever produced also belongs to the best TV show ever made. Try imagining the show without this song--it can't be done.

2. M*A*S*H - Such a good theme song. This would be my dad's #1, hands down. He'd actually be pissed that I almost forgot this one. It's a good thing only three people read this.

3. Knight Rider - Gets major cred as this is one one the few TV theme songs that I choose to listen to on my iPod (both Offices, um, ... that might be it). Such a cool-sounding tune.

4. Twin Peaks - Yes, I initially forgot this one, which was one of my favorite songs for a long time. A beautiful song.

5. Sportscenter - This tune has come to epitomize Sports. Can you name any other example of a theme song that encapsulates its entire genre? (No sitcom's theme epitomizes Comedy, for example.)

Honorable: Hawaii Five-0 (I haven't seen an episode...), The Office US, I Love Lucy, Seinfeld, The Office UK, Northern Exposure, The X-Files.

**Thanks to Cortney, who pointed out my numerous inadequacies regarding this list.**

Tim’s Top 5:
Ok, I was really unhappy to see these lists on the site, as an avid non-watcher of television that’s not sports, I’m not privileged to have much of a source on this. Then I realized that it didn’t matter, because the songs of value are old anyway, and because my #1 and #2 were so obvious and yet unmentioned that I had a real opportunity to go in a different direction here.

1. The Green Hornet - There is simply no contest, the theme song is one of the best things about the show, which was amazing despite its razor-thin plot. And it’s the best Rimsky-Korsakov on the market. Good luck finding an orchestra to take this angle on it. Man, I wish this show would come out on authentic DVD instead of the terrible Chinese imports slapped together to sate people’s desire for Bruce Lee on TV. If I ever have a child who wants to join the marching band, he or she will be forced to practice on their trumpet until they sound like this.

2. Alfred Hitchcock Presents - More because it’s really suitable for the show, I can’t refrain from putting this on the list. It came to personify Hitchcock as much as the drawing, neither of which spoke very highly of him, but it elevated him to a cultural persona that was not shared by any of his peers as directors (as if he had any).

3. Law and Order - I am the only person who’s graduated from law school that’s never watched the show. But it doesn’t keep me from appreciating that its theme is appropriate and has been for the nearly two decades that it and its variants have been on the air. Composing so timeless is astounding enough in its own right.

4. Hawaii Five-O - I also have never seen the show, but I know the Hawaii Five-O theme as well as I know Jack Lord’s hair. It’d odd not to have the theme play whenever you see Jack Lord in Dr. No, frankly.

5. Mission: Impossible - Ok, this is a link to the modernized version that’s associated with the movie, but I’m too lazy to post another link. The point is that it’s a good song that you immediately connect with the show, whether or not you’ve seen it. True of all five of these songs.

Honorable mention: Hill Street Blues; The A-Team really has the voice-over lead in, so I can’t really include it in the list because I think it’s a part of it. But I do enjoy 1980s jingoism, and this absolutely reeks of it; M*A*S*H (penalized because I love the song with lyrics so much more in the movie), The Simpsons.

Top 5 Spielberg Movies

Tim's Top 5:
Few people can make movies that alternate so completely between astounding and horrible as Steven Spielberg. He's all over the map genre-wise and has made everything except a pure comedy that anyone laughed at.

1. Saving Private Ryan - Ok, using this film to cram down a World War II monument was a little bit absurd, particularly considering the hasty monument they erected that lacks any of the emotional weight of the Vietnam Memorial. But there's not much doubt that it is one of the greatest war movies ever concocted. The D-Day sequence was unmatched, Spielberg gets adequate performances from people who have no business being in a movie (Vin Diesel, Barry Pepper, Giovanni Ribisi), and it's not as cut and dry as most of Spielberg's work. Even if it's simplistic, it's a stunning achievement that was robbed at the Oscars by a movie that was memorably primarily for just being better than one would expect, but little more.

2. Catch Me If You Can - If you were going to express total disbelief that Spielberg directed a film on his resume, this would probably top the list. Nothing about it feels Spielbergian except that it involves parent-child relationships. It's a film that I can watch over and over again. Tom Hanks is sufficiently cartoonish for a composite character, Leonardo DiCaprio gives the performance of a career, and Christopher Walken actually gets to play someone that's not all that weird for a change. A superb accomplishment.

3. Jurassic Park - This is one of the movies I remember seeing in the theater most clearly. It's not a masterpiece of drama, but the special effects were unprecedented and I think few directors would have dared to accomplish adequate work with the source material.

4. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - I'm not really a big Indiana Jones fan, Raiders really just had a great climax going for it, the rest of the movie was pretty dry. But adding in Sean Connery here is one of the best examples of a character being integrated in the middle of a series of films without seeming glaringly out of place. Frankly, though, Indiana is still a weird name for a dog, too.

5. Schindler's List - I watched this movie once, it's a touching and depressing film that has some exceptional performances (particularly Ralph Fiennes), but it's also not a particularly difficult task to make a sad movie about the Holocaust. It told a story that needed to be told in an interesting and largely successful fashion.

Honorable mention: Munich, Jaws

Tory's Top 5:

Let me start my list by saying that I don't care for Spielberg, and am rather glad to see that there are a lot fewer movies of his that I liked than I thought (I had always assumed he did liked films that I never knew he directed, but he didn't.)

1. Hook - This is the quintessential retelling of the Peter Pan tale, with a pretty good performance by Robin Williams, and an outstanding dual-performance by Dustin Hoffman (who plays both Hook as well as a tall person.)

2. Catch Me If You Can - I agree with Tim on just about every point. This movie is amazing, and definitely one of Leonardo Dicaprio's best, even though I do believe he has had some other noteworthy performances that could rival this one. It definitely feels like it was done by a director with a much better film vocabulary.

3. Saving Private Ryan - Not my favorite WWII film, but definitely it would definitely make the top 5 WWII films list. I am also a huge Matt Damon fan, and I am somewhat affectionate towards Rabisi and even a bit towards Barry Pepper (at least after he did Three Burials.)

4. A.I. - I have a confession: I have not seen this movie, nor do I want to. The reasons that it made the top five are two-fold. The first being that I am having trouble finding movies on his IMDB that I liked enough to make a top 5, and the second being that the first half of this film was made with Stanley Kubrick. So Stephen Spielberg gets the credit (since it's his list.)

5. Empire of the Sun - Another confession: I haven't seen this one either. However my desire to see this film greatly outweighs my appreciation of any of his other films, as well as my desire to see or rewatch any of his other films.

Ryan's Top 5:

I'll preface this list with the fact that I am moderately drunk right now. I don't know where that will lead us.

1. Amistad - In all honesty, I haven't examined the historical accuracy of this one as closely as I have others (e.g., Quiz Show); I do know, for example, that Morgan Freeman's character is completely fictional (and not God, the President, or the narrator). That said, the portrayal of the Middle Passage in this film is pretty damn spot on, and thus, gruesome. Also, an excellent score. Anthony Hopkins is good as JQ, and Djimon Hounsou is good as Cinque. Matthew McConaughey also stars.

2. Catch Me If You Can - I agree with what everyone has said. I too can watch this over and over and over.

3. Jurassic Park - I just watched this recently on TBS for the first time in about a decade. It actually ages a lot better than I thought it would, despite some of the special effects. This is what Spielberg is best at, good summer blockbusters. You know, like A.I.

4. Jaws - I actually like this movie a lot and feel kind of bad ranking it so low. I feel bad in that I can't really think of a reason to disparage it... it's another good blockbuster. How about, I saw on Mythbusters that the part where the shark gets blown up after he shoots the oxygen tank is bullshit. (Frustratingly.) But I do love the line, "Smile you son of a bitch!"

5. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - This was one of my favorite movies as a kid, and in my mind is by far the best Indiana Jones movie. The action and chase scenes are good but not too outlandish, and they don't overwhelm the film at the expense of character development (see: Crystal Skull).

Honorable mention: Saving Private Ryan, Hook

Dan's Top 5:

Wow, everyone really swarmed on this one. I just feel embarrassed to be the fourth one posting. Unlike most everyone else here, I still like Spielberg. Though not the greatest of all time, the films that he's good at directing are legendary.

1. Raiders of the Lost Ark - This will forever be my favorite Indiana Jones movie. The Connery-heavy Last Crusade seemed a bit too cheesy for me, and relied a bit more on gags. I'm not saying it's bad, but I liked Raiders a lot more. Ranks as #1 on this list because the action is so memorable, and I imagine that such a movie would be pretty difficult to direct.

2. Hook - Everything about this movie is brilliant, and I mostly agree with Tory on this one. Unlike most family movies, it's actually enjoyable for any age group watching it. Furthermore, it doesn't resort to just retelling the Peter Pan story the way everyone has heard it a million times before. Loses points for the Rufio character, but gains them right back for the youthful ragtag-wildness of the Lost Boys, captured perfectly by the dinner scene (possibly my favorite in the movie.) Also, the soundtrack is a must-own.

3. Jurassic Park - I remember watching this movie when I was younger (9 years old) in the theater with my grandmother, and we both had a blast. (Screw you if you think I was a loser for not seeing this with friends; me and my grandma were close.) It was probably the most memorable movie experience I had in the theater growing up. To date, it's still the only CGI that has ever looked "real" to me, and as Ryan said, it really ages well.

4. Schindler's List - I feel bad putting this so low, as I watched it only recently and really enjoyed it. I agree with Tim about the exceptional performances, though my personal favorite was Kingsley's character. I had always worried that I wouldn't fully identify with this movie if I weren't Jewish and had no personal connection to the Holocaust. I was proven wrong, as it's really a film about human character more than anything else.

5. Jaws - Though I really liked Catch Me If You Can and feel it does deserve some mention, there's no way I can leave off Jaws. Keep in mind that there were no summer blockbusters before this movie. Of course, the suspense of this film is legendary - you never really get to see the killer shark until the end - to the point that you don't even care how fake the shark looks. At least, I don't anyway.

Honorable mention: Catch Me If You Can, Saving Private Ryan

Top 5 Geographical Bands

This is Ryan's idea originally, after he was cleaning out his iPod and wondering what Chicago songs he should keep. Or maybe we thought of it together after we were talking about how Kansas really isn't worth seeing in concert. At any rate, these are the Top 5 bands with geographical names. In the name of purity, I have used bands that use only the names of places as the entire band name, but if you struggle to find any good bands (there really aren't many), then I guess that rule is not set in stone.

Dan's Top 5:

1. Boston - Not only the makers of one of the best debut albums ever - actually, the best-selling debut album in U.S. history, this band also invented (and its members are the only acceptable wearers of) the white-guy 'fro. The genius of this band comes primarily from Tom Scholz, who wrote all the songs, invented their signature guitar tone by designing his own equipment, produced their work, and also freed the slaves and saved humanity. Needless to say, I like Boston.

2. Kansas - If there was ever a sign that there aren't many good Geographical Bands, it's the fact that Kansas wins the #2 spot. To their credit, they have three cool songs ("Dust In The Wind," "Point of Know Return," and "Carry On Wayward Son") There may be more, but these are the three that receive massive airplay. It speaks volumes that I'm nowhere near willing to pay $50 to see them play in State College. But if you've ever played "Carry On Wayward Son" on Guitar Hero, you know how much those songs I listed do rock.

3. Asia - I'm going to submit to my love of Prog Rock yet again, putting Asia at #3 despite only knowing a single song, "Heat of the Moment." This band incorporated members of former prog mega-bands Yes and E.L.P., so they're definitely a supergroup. But whenever I think of the musical connections of Asia, it never escapes me that the keyboardist, Geoff Downes, was also the keyboardist for The Buggles (yes, the same Buggles of "Video Killed The Radio Star" fame). Apparently he was once entered into the Guinness Book of Records for using the most (28) keyboards on stage during one performance. I should really get around to listening to at least a second song from these guys.

4. Chicago - "25 or 6 to 4" is by far the best song this band ever did, as it's the only song I can really remember that features their guitar player, who was actually pretty good. (Sadly, I watched VH1's Behind The Music episode on Chicago. I mean, that's sad in and of itself, but even more sad was that the episode revealed that their guitar player accidentally committed suicide.) "Saturday in the Park" is another acceptable tune, but my second-favorite is "You're The Inspiration." Why? Because when I first heard it, my guess was that the Bee Gees were singing it. Kudos to you, Peter Cetera, for pulling that aural illusion off.

5. Europe - "The Final Countdown" was huge - #1 in 26 countries, and to this day a pretty decent song to pump up to before a sports entrance. Hey wait, this band was primarily a metal band? For shame, Europe, for shame! Actually, Europe had the same reaction to that hit album, The Final Countdown, thinking it was way too keyboard-driven. They took the reins on the next album, adding more guitars and getting the sound they wanted, but never achieved the same sort of success, succumbing to one-hit-wonder syndrome (a serious disease that is sometimes fatal).

Ryan's Top 5:

Man, my list sucks. Why did we have this idea?

1. New York Dolls - A great protopunk band that influenced greater bands: The Clash, The Sex Pistols, The Ramones, etc.

2. Kansas - I can't help but love them for nostalgic reasons. I really have no concept if they are actually a good band or not. (See: Meat Loaf.) Apparently their members are from Topeka and Manhattan respectively...not two of my favorite towns. Ah well.

3. Boston - I have "more than a feeling" that I'm copping out and stealing Dan's entries. Ha! Ha! Ha!

4. Europe - "Doo-duh-loo-doo! Doo-duh-loo-doo-doo!"

5. Asia - I know very little about Asia, but they have one key fact going for them: they're not Chicago. Welcome to the Top 5, my Asiatic friends. (Bonus points for Cartman's rendition of "Heat of the Moment.")

Tory's Top 5:

1. Cypress Hill - Granted I don't listen to a lot of Cypress Hill, but I am attempting to be different with this list. And, frankly, I would probably listen to Cypress Hill over Boston or Kansas.

2. The Mars Volta - I wanted to put them number 1, but I don't think their name is exactly in the tune. That being said Mars - the planet - does have a lot of geographical stuff going on ... like the TALLEST MOUNTAIN (or volcano) IN THE UNIVERSE.

3. Evergreen Terrace - A really amazing hardcore band that (from what I remember) only does hardcore covers (Sunday Bloody Sunday being the only song that comes to mind.) Also, they are named after a fictional geographical location. From the Simpsons no less.

4. America - Horse With No Name.

5. E Street Band - They are on here because they played a lot with the Boss. However, I've never heard them independently, therefore they are number five.

Honorable Mentions: Rammstein, Sugarland, Walls of Jericho - it should be noted that these bands are being honorably mentioned for having names that reflect geographic locations.

Tim's Top 5:

One could argue Nirvana qualifies. I won't, though, since that's way too easy.

1. Europe - As far as I'm concerned, they released one album, which consists of ten recordings of one song. But man, I loved that song when I was five, which means that, along with "One Stop Along The Way (The Ballad of Johnny bench)" by Terry Cashman I am forever cursed to continue loving the song. It invokes good memories of my favorite television character ever (Gob Bluth), hockey games (it was a theme for the Omaha Lancers for a long time), and what good synthesizers have brought to society (surprisingly little). Still, should my elbow ever manage to repair itself so I can throw without my arm going numb and should I suddenly add thirty miles to my fastball, I'm pretty sure this song would be on the shortlist of songs that would play as I entered the game (which is itself a list that I'll be posting at some point once I've refined mine to perfection, since it's one of the few lists about which I will care vehemently).

2. The Bronx - I don't know anything of their work, but The Bronx is a place, and the one song I own of theirs ("Around the Horn [Louis XIV remix]" from the soundtrack to Snakes on a Plane) is pretty above average for throwaway soundtrack fare.

3. America - I think they really warrant being somewhere in the pit of hell, because for at least an entire day last week, I had "Sister Goldenhair" stuck in my head. Not to say this to ruin my presidential campaign in 2016, but let it be said once and for all that I really truly hate America (in band form). In book form, I approve of it, and it is not actually a country...since we're the United States and America represents a land mass spanning from Canada to Argentina. But that's still a place. I win.

4. Kansas - I cannot repeat enough that I don't like Kansas, but Carry On Wayward Son and Dust In The Wind always get me to listen anyway (because Carry On wayward Son isn't a bad song and because Dust In The Wind makes me think of Old School...and songs from Old School invariably get me to listen to them in a fashion that I hope is ironic.

5. Alabama - Ok, I don't like their music, I just like any country music band that has the balls to hate Ronald Reagan. "40 Hour Week (for a livin')" might not be a call to revolution, but it's enough of a screw you to the fervent anti-Union and anti-laborer administration that helped destroy America's trade surplus and turn us into a nation that can't rely on itself for anything. I seem to remember that Alabama sucked less than most country bands, but I can't say for certain, because other than the aforementioned song, I don't remember any of their work.

Honorable mention: I don't hate Chicago, though I can't say I like them.

Dishonorable mention: I do hate Boston.

Top 5 Lines from Back To The Future

You may think this is completely out of left field, but did you notice it's our 88th post? Immediately, my mind jumped to the connection to Back to the Future (i.e., 88 mph) and I had to dedicate a Top 5 list to one of the movies that shaped my persona. Think it's not quote-worthy? Think again...

Dan's Top 5:

1. Marty: "Are you telling me that you built a time machine... out of a DeLorean?"
Doc: "The way I see it, if you're gonna build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some style?" - Half the reason the movie was so cool was because of the DeLorean. The car is metal and you open its doors vertically! Man, what will the 80's think of next? Anyway, DeLorean fanaticism still runs rampant to this day, mostly because of this blockbuster.

2. "If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything." - Actually a piece of useful advice. I highly doubt that the writers came up with this originally. It was probably a common pearl of wisdom before 1985. They probably stole it from a high school yearbook or an episode of Mr. Wizard. But if I ever say this maxim, I feel like I'll need to credit the quote to Marty McFly.

3. Principal Strickland: "No McFly ever amounted to anything in the history of Hill Valley!"
Marty McFly: "Yeah, well, history is gonna change." - Foreshadowing, anyone? I remember when foreshadowing in movies wasn't so painfully obvious as it is today. For example, I just saw Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (read: the only good Star Trek movie), when after a failed training exercise Kirk asks Spock, "Aren't you dead?" What was I talking about? I tend to get distracted. Hey, look! A Top 5 List about Back To The Future.

4. "Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads." - The perfect set up for a pair of sequels to come out in another four years, both of which were very entertaining. What sucks is that this led me to believe that any movie that ended in such a fashion would eventually come out with sequels, no matter how shitty they are. As a result, I'm still waiting for Jumanji 2 and Super Mario Bros: The Movie 2. Thankfully, Back To The Future got it right.

5. "How did I ever expect to get back? One pallet, one trip! I must be out of my mind!" - Uttered shortly before Doc heads back in time, this seems like a really pointless line, until I recall an incident my friends were in at KFC one day. They had placed their order and then asked if they could add something else. The register clerk jokingly said, "Nope. One pallet, one trip." Even though it's probably one of the most obscure lines in the movie, the reference wasn't lost and my friends called him on it. It just goes to show you how much of a big deal this movie was.

Tim's Top 5:
I don't like this movie. I like Back to the Future Part II and the other two were like a kick to the teeth when I saw them and I didn't have any desire to go see them again. So, since I'd be forced to rely solely upon IMDb users quote submissions, I instead recuse myself.

Ryan's Top 5:
Unfortunately I have not seen this movie in about a decade, so I'm at a bit of a loss for good quotes.