Top 5 Simpsons Episodes

Here it is. The List To End All Lists. A list that has forced me to expand into a Bonus Top 10 (really this is cheating and a cowardly move to make myself feel better about excluding nos. 6-10 from the top 5...but even crafting a top 10 was difficult. This list looks strikingly different from the Top 35 list I made five years ago; given, though, when I made that list I was going solely on personal favorites. This time I've tended toward episode greatness, and, moreover, some of my old favorites have waned for me. (I wish I had a magic Simpsons iPod that tracked how many times I've watched particular episodes in my lifetime--Lisa the Vegetarian, for instance, has to approach 50 [at least].)

Tim suggested we do this list, and it was gnawing at me so I am posting it now in the hope that he doesn't mind...

Ryan's Top 10

1. Lemon of Troy, season 6 - I took a good amount of time setting out my rankings, and I had no idea this would be my #1 when I set out to do this list. Now that I'm done, I like it in this spot. This episode has a strong plot from start to finish, back when Simpsons episodes used to have plots rather than being a collection of pop culture references (which, don't get me wrong, are still better than most of the crap on television and certainly network television). This is yet another of the greats from seasons 6 and 7, the two best seasons. It also has the best Milhouse lines from any episode: "I feel like I'm going to explode here!" "This is what it sounds like, when doves cry!" Other gems: "This whole raid was as useless as that yellow lemon-shaped rock over there. Wait a minute... there's a lemon behind that rock!"

2. Homer the Great, season 6 - Nos. 1 and 2 were a toss-up, and this one could easily be on top without much argument. The Stonecutters' episode, like Lemon of Troy, is perfect plot-wise, start to finish. It also has one of the best songs in the series: "Who controls the British crown, who keeps the metric system down? We do! We do!" Other random, non-comprehensive gems:

Bart: Dad, remember those self-hypnosis courses we took to help us ignore Grampa?
Homer: Do I ever! It's five years later and I still think I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken, Marge!

3. You Only Move Twice, season 8 - This will doubtless rate high on other people's lists (I believe it's Tim's #1, unsure of Dan). And for good reason. Without having seen anyone else's list, I'll defer to them to dissect the greatness of this one further. I leave you with my favorite quotes from the episode:

Hank: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut, that's on third.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Hank: There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There?
Homer: Mm-Hmm.
Hank: That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third.
Homer: Oh, the hammock district.

(OK, my favorite scene is the end, with the Denver Broncos. Now I'm done.)

4. Bart Sells His Soul, season 7 - Contains, among many great lines, the classic "In the Garden of Eden," by I. Ron Butterfly. Also Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag, which has street signs indoors and sunglasses on alligators. ("Now I've seen everything!") Gems (this time from memory, so forgive a misplaced word or two): "You know Bart, Pablo Neruda said that laughter is the language of the soul." "I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda." Excellence.

5. Homer's Barbershop Quartet, season 5 - I completely left this one off my last list of 35, and I have no idea why--obviously a complete lapse in memory. (I did make that list when I was working an 11pm-7am at the dorm.) Anyway, this episode features George Harrison as a guest star and has more of the best music in the series. This is another strong plot episode... I probably wouldn't even being saying things like that if the last few seasons weren't so random. Gem:

Bart: [incredulous] Barbershop? That ain't been popular since aught six, dagnab it.
Homer: [reproachfully] Bart, what did I tell you?
Bart: [abashed] No talking like a grizzled 1890s prospector...consarnit.

SUPER HAPPY BONUS TOP 10 ACTION!

6. Mr. Plow, season 4 - Brilliant, and the less said, the better, probably. "The forecast calls for flurries of passion, followed by extended periods of gettin' it on."

7. Marge vs. The Monorail, season 4 - Losing Phil Hartman in 1997 really hurt the series, as his episodes/characters are some of the best. Here he stars as Lyle Lanley, the monorail swindler who put Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook on the map. Leonard Nimoy also guest stars: "A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on." "Does anyone want to switch seats?"

8. Itchy & Scratchy Land, season 6 - "Barclay"..."Barry"..."Bert"... "Bort"? Aw, come on. "Bort"?
Child: Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate.
Mother: No. Come along, Bort.
Man: Are you talking to me?
Mother: No, my son is also named Bort.

9. And Maggie Makes Three, season 6 - This one's gained prominence for me recently--it's another textbook plot-driven episode. I actually taught plot elements with this one in school--you can pinpoint the climax, when Maggie grabs Homer's thumb. It's also probably the best "heartwarming episode" and, of course, hilarious. "My marketing plan attracted a record number of police and fire officials, but few stayed to bowl."

10. Bart of Darkness, season 6 - Season 6 is fucking brilliant. This is one of my all-time personal favorites, in addition to being an all-around great episode. "'Tis a fine barn English but sure 'tis no pool!" "D'oh'eth!" Also, and this is impossible to verify, but it has one of the best signs-as-a-running-gag: POOL SHARKS -- WHERE THE BUYER IS OUR CHUM. Another of my all-time favorite lines: "I understand. Let us celebrate our arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk."

Honorable Mentions, in no order:
- Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious
- Bart After Dark (the burlesgue house)
- Bart Vs. Australia (an all-time personal favorite, but I figured the trip to Australia was gimmicky enough to force its exclusion from the top 10)
- Bart Gets an Elephant (damn it, this should probably be on there)
- The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (good but again, gimmicky...self-admittedly, to be fair)
- Lisa the Vegetarian (another personal favorite and owner of one of my favorite lines (the BBBQ)
- 22 Short Films About Springfield

Dan's Top 5:

1. 22 Short Films About Springfield - I love shows that follow a bunch of simultaneous story lines, and the Pulp Fiction references are priceless. "Do they have Krusty Partially Gelatinated Non-Dairy Gum-Based beverages?" "Yeah, they call 'em 'shakes.'" "'Shakes.' Hmph. You don't know what you're getting!"

2. Mr. Plow - "And now we play the waiting game... eh, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!"

3. Krusty Gets Cancelled - A million cameos in this one, though the true highlight is Krusty's rendition of "Send in the Clowns." Gains points because I saw it a number of times when I was into the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

4. Homer Goes to College - Classic take on the Animal House-style college paradigm, complete with a dean who's a jerk, and Homer mentoring three lovable nerds. In true Simpsons fashion, no one learns anything by the end of the show.

5. Treehouse of Horror VI - Included almost entirely because of "Homer^3." I actually remember the hype, even if it might have been entirely in my mind, for the Simpsons being 3-D. "Uh...it's like...did anyone see the movie 'Tron'?"

Honorable Mentions (read: A Top 10 with no commentary): You Only Move Twice, Flaming Moe's, Dancin' Homer, Homer to the Max, Last Exit to Springfield.

Tim's Top 5:
As Ryan said, I was working on this...for far longer than I would like to admit, but thankfully discussing it with some co-workers finalized my list today.

1. You Only Live Twice - I don't think that this is even close. Every character is amusing in this, and given my contempt for nearly any episode that substantively involves Lisa, that's saying something. Hank Scorpio is a brilliant merger of Bond villains with the new-wave CEO, the Denver Broncos are the perfect ending, and Bart's remedial class is one of the best use of supplementary characters in the series. Marge's drinking problem, Otto's squatting...yeah, this is a flawless episode.

Just a few moments:
Scorpio: Sugar? Sure. There you go. Sorry it's not in packets.

Apu: Hello. I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels!
Homer: Thank you, come again!

Kid: I'm from Canada and everyone thinks I'm slow, eh?
Other kid: I fell of the jungle gym and when I woke up, I was in here.
Another kid: I start fires!


2. The Mansion Family - The greatest line in all of Simpsons history (Bart: “what does that satellite do?” Homer: “it rebroadcasts major league baseball with implied oral consent, not expressed written consent, or so the legend goes.”) is the key to this episode, but nearly all the moments are worth celebrating. Monkey knife fights, man-cow weddings (Rick Santorum was right), box socials, that’s all I ask of an episode. It’s funny that I love it so, because it gets terrible reviews from the people on snpp.com. But these are also the deranged people who enjoyed The City of New York v. Homer Simpson.

3. Marge vs. the Monorail - Conan O'Brien's shining hour has Phil Hartman at his best, has a great cameo from Leonard Nimoy ("Didn't I?") and a lot of good Homer moments ("Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you Hoju!") and an unforgettable opening of Homer singing the Flintstones theme. A solid rendition of The Music Man, but fantastic for those who haven't seen it, too.

4. Homer the Great - The Stonecutters song is hands down the greatest musical experience in The Simpsons canon...and I'm mentioning this right after Marge vs. the Monorail, so I realize what I'm saying. The whole episode is fantastic, and few moments are as funny as "attach the Stone of Triumph!"

5. The Trouble With Trillions - "Well, if it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then I'll soon be guilty of that!" Homer's discussions while wearing a wire are among the best moments I can recall, and the entire story is entertaining enough to warrant mention here.

Honorable mention: Okay, I lied, I said I had items from both lists on mine, but that was when 22 Short Films About Springfield (now on this list) was at #5. But I have to go with The Trouble With Trillions. Homer vs. the 18th Amendment - "To alcohol, the cause of -- and solution to -- all life's problems!" I've always wanted to be a bootlegger, Dave Thomas does some of the best guest work for a guy who's not particularly famous to non-Canadians; Homer's Phobia - which gets major credit for not only being educational, funny, and really ahead of the curve on embracing (or tolerating) homosexuality, but gets even more credit since I got to interview John Waters about it; Homer At The Bat - "You just don't know when to quit, do you Saxy boy?" aside from its failure to recognize that clemens' downfall should be pedophilia, it's a sterling episode that destroyed many a baseball career; Lisa’s Wedding – this is by far the best of the Lisa episodes, it actually warrants mention not on that curve; Mr. Plow - "Oh yeah, what president is on it?" "Uh...all of them, they're having a party...Jimmy Carter is passed out on the couch."

I have a lot to catch up on, so Seinfeld is tomorrow's goal, as well as coming up with some more future lists.

Top 5 Seinfeld Episodes

I have been meaning to do this one for some time now, I just plumb forgot about it. This is the site I used, though there are probably more helpful sites out there: http://www.stanthecaddy.com/seinfeld-episode-guide/

Ryan's Top Five:

1. The Contest - For me there's no contest about this one (pun intended and apologized for). Not only was this episode both groundbreaking (for the subject matter and for the advance of the show's popularity) and genius, its greatness has not been matched since. No other show could walk the line so carefully to such brilliant results; anything raunchier wouldn't be as funny, and ditto anything tamer. Memorable lines: Jerry: "Are you still master of your domain?" George: "I am king of the county!" Incidentally, the moment Kramer exits the contest was voted the third funniest moment in TV history (by people who assuredly have less merit in ranking things, but still, it's worth noting). And if you're unaware of the "subject matter," you really need to purchase this season. Do it anyway.

2. The Rye - A perfectly crafted episode that houses zaniness firmly within the realm of realism. The culmination is George fishing for a marble rye bread from a New York apartment, but anyone can recognize being embarrassed by the crass manners of friends or family members. To dissect the episode any further wouldn't be funny, so instead, picture the scene where Jerry mugs an old lady for a loaf of bread ("Shut up you old bag!").

3. The Invitations - If there's a better use of the "shock factor" in a sitcom, I haven't seen it. Killing off people in sitcoms is so out-of-left-field, you would never expect it to happen--let alone for any comedy to result. And if you had any doubts about the vices of the characters before this episode, this should settle it. Favorite scenes--how about George trying to get a date with Marissa Tomei after his fiance dies? Or Elaine's consolation: "I'm... sorry?" This episode was, undoubtedly, shockingly brilliant.

4. The Opposite - If you're unfamiliar with the title, here's a short recap: George does everything against his instinct and Jerry's life always evens out--George's life becomes great and Elaine's life gets shitty. I'm not sure where everyone else ranks this episode, but it's a personal favorite; this is also the one where George gets the job with the Yankees. Here are some of my favorite Seinfeld quotes:

Yankees exec: This is Mr. Costanza. He's one of the applicants.
Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.
George: Well, I wish I could say the same. But I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduce them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!
Steinbrenner: Hire this man!
....
George: My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

5. The Voice - This is the newest one in the top 5, from season 9. Highlights include "the voice" (i.e., HELLOOOOOOOOO!!! LA HA HA!) that Jerry, George, and Kramer come up with that speaks out of Jerry's girlfriend's belly button. This is also the episode with Kramerica Industries and Kramer's attempt to solve oil spills with rubber balls (LOOK AT ME, I'M ALL COVERED IN OIL!). Brilliance.

Controversial Omissions (i.e. Honorable Mentions), in chronological order:

- The Bubble Boy
- The Library (the Detective Bookman episode, and "Can't-Stand-Ya")
- The Boyfriend Parts 1 and 2 (Keith Hernandez and the "magic loogy" theory
- The Outing ("Not that there's anything WRONG with that!")
- The Puffy Shirt
- The Marine Biologist ("Is anybody here a marine biologist?")
- The Hamptons (definite shrinkage)
- The Race (Jerry as Superman)
- The Soup Nazi: Here's the thing, this is maybe the most classic episode of Seinfeld. However, upon re-watching, this episode basically only has the Soup Nazi angle going for it (Elaine gets an armoire stolen by gay street thieves, which is funny, but not as funny as, say, Kramerica Industries). Now, this is almost certainly the 6th best episode of the series (or, failing that, solidly in the top 10), but it's not as complete as the top 5 above.
- The Bizarro Jerry
- The Little Kicks (Elaine dancing)
- The Abstinence (George gives up sex and becomes brilliant, Elaine gives up sex and becomes a moron)
- The Susie (including George's classic answering machine message, "Believe it or not George isn't at home, please leave a message at the beep..."
- The Strike ("It's a Festivus for the rest of us!")

Dan's Top 5:

The Contest - ep. 411 - I love the fact that the central conflict in this episode is sexual frustration, but every reference is in the form of innuendo. As a result, it gets to stay tame enough for network television. No use in saying too much more, as Ryan sums it up sufficiently.

The Gum - ep. 710 - The taboo of insanity is the central focus here. What I love about this episode is how well everything is interconnected in true Seinfeld fashion. (Elaine complains that a man is washing the sidewalk with a hose, and later George cannot put out the fire in the Jon Voight car because it's been disconnected.) One of my favorite moments ever is when George runs after Deena, shouting, "This isn't mine. I got it from the Institute. The Institute!"

The Frogger - ep. 918 - Really a commentary on the unachievable nature of immortality. Elaine destroys a piece of Edward VIII's legacy by eating a piece of decades-old wedding cake, George's attempt at immortality comes in the form of trying to preserve his high score on a Frogger machine, only to fail when executing the Frogger strategy on a real-life street.

The Airport - ep. 412 - This is probably the first Seinfeld episode I really memorized. I suspect that a lot of sitcoms have done episodes regarding an airport, but this one was actually funny and memorable. Jerry and Elaine highlight the differences between first class and coach, which is to be expected, but the true comedy of the episode is Kramer's pursuit of his old roommate for $300, and George's interactions with a major criminal.

The Fusilli Jerry - ep. 621 - Another episode that deals primarily with sex - (the episode where numerous "moves" are exchanged). But really, the highlight of this episode is Kramer's "ASSMAN" license plates. "I'm Cosmo Kramer, the assman!" A million-to-one shot.

Honorable Mentions - Let's not kid ourselves... every other episode.

Tim's Top 5:
I'm doing this all from memory, so I could be horribly wrong. But they're the episodes that strike me as particularly memorable.

1. The Contest - Yeah, Ryan had it right. It was a revelation to have on television and it opened the door to a lot of similarly themed episodes when the most explicit thing on TV before had been a character on Growing Pains that was named Boner for no apparent reason except for Alan Thicke's wanton pedophilia (note: Alan Thicke is not actually necessarily a pedophile).

2. The Abstinence - George becomes brilliant by not having sex, Elaine becomes a moron while not sleeping with Bob Odenkirk so he can become a doctor. Kramer opens a smoking club in his apartment and gets to go see Jackie Chiles, and George decides being a genius is still less important than sleeping with a Portuguese waitress.

3. The Little Kicks - Elaine dances, Elaine turns a co-worker onto George by warning her to avoid him, Kramer gets Jerry to end up as a movie bootlegger, and the episode ties up all its loose ends with one seamless conclusion that will make you cry, cry again.

4. The Library - I swear that Seinfeld is responsible for Phillip Baker Hall coming back out of the woodwork as an actor, and that alone would make it well worth including this episode. But it's also flawless casting, Phillip Baker Hall is the best library cop you could envision, the Can'tstandya scenes are sheer hilarity, and Kramer's seduction of the librarian completes the trifecta. Definitely the best of the early episodes.

5. The Andrea Doria - Jerry conspires to get Newman transferred to Hawaii but loses Newman's job by doing too good a job delivering the mail; George tells his tale of woe to compete with the Andrea Doria survivor for an apartment in a coop; Elaine has a big head; Kramer goes to the vet to get a pill for his cough.

Honorable mention: The Beard - The Melrose Place polygraph is an all-time highlight. But that's it, because if I kept doing reearch, I'd just have to change my list. I'll just have to settle for being wrong.