Tim's Top 5:
1. Dayton Moore - Lest Ryan feel he's all alone on this one, I have to admit, he's earned his way atop the list. His retarded move to acquire the fourth worst hitting shortstop of whom I'm aware (#1 and #2 were both Royals as of this Monday in Tony Pena Jr. and Luis Hernandez, #3 is the woeful Alex Gonzalez, though I think Jimmy Rollins wants to make this list...) is just one of a litany of moves that are directly contrary to both his stated goal (to get the Royals players who could get on base) and any conceivable baseball strategy. He's neither Adam Everett (a worthless hitter who seems to be on winning teams a lot) nor a draw-the-walk patient hitter. And he plays a position that is likely to be adequately filled once Mike Aviles gets back next year, a thought that completely slipped my mind earlier today when I already thought it was a terrible acquisition.
What's more puzzling is how much he's regressed. When he first became the Royals' GM, he made a lot of sound moves that seemed like they'd put the team on the right track. He dealt head case Mike MacDougal for prospects,
Career high point: Re-signing Zack Greinke, signing Gil Meche to a way above market 5-year, $55 million deal that actually panned out, selecting Joakim Soria in the Rule 5 draft, trading the felonious Ambiorix Burgos for Brian Bannister.
Career low points: acquiring Mike Jacobs, signing Kyle Farnsworth (both of which prevented the Royals from signing Orlando Hudson), signing Jose Guillen to a multi-year deal, traded JP Howell for Joey Gathright.
2. Ned Colletti - "Hey, do you mind paying for Casey Blake? I'll give you one of the top 25 prospects in all of baseball AND be your best friend." I assume that's how the average call with Ned Colletti goes. Either that or "Hm...so you're a one-dimensional outfielder who doesn't get on base, gets caught stealing all the time, and can't hit for power...is $55 million enough?" Ned Colletti has signed Jason Schmidt to a long-term deal (Schmidt's yet to pitch under that), given out huge money to a collapsing Andruw Jones, big years and big dollars for Juan Pierre, dumped Edwin Jackson for Danys Baez and Lance Carter (who then disappeared off the face of the earth). He's made one good move, and even that didn't pan out this year.
Career highlight: Trading not much for Manny Ramirez, getting the Dodgers to the NLCS.
Career lowlights: pretty much every other move he's ever made. Hopefully Carlos Santana for Casey Blake will top that list.
3. Omar Minaya - Quick, name all the moves that Minaya's made that have panned out. By my count, the number is one. The man who's responsible for one of the top five most lopsided trades in history (Grady Sizemore, Cliff Lee, Brandon Phillips and hey, why not Lee Stevens for Bartolo Colon and Tim Drew) has made one really good move since becoming GM of the Mets -- trading a bunch of nothing for Johan Santana. Signing Francisco Rodriguez has worked out for this year, but is a deal with very high B.J. Ryan potential. He's been armed with loads of money and has turned it into mediocre #5 (or worse) starters -- Oliver Perez, Pedro Martinez; he's traded some valuable players for nothing (Heath Bell, Matt Lindstrom, Brian Bannister), that ultimately left him with a pitching staff that's mind-blowingly awful for a team with a $100+ million payroll.
4. Brian Cashman - Hip hop Jor-hay! Both New York teams make the list, Cashman's idiocy is just hidden under a gigantic brown bag with a green dollar sign on it. When you can simply buy away your mistakes, it's less noticeable that you've made nothing but mistakes for your tenure as GM. The horrific tenure as GM is masked by an infinite payroll, but this team paid Giambi $20 million a year to be a lousy first baseman, has paid Jeter $20 million to be a "team captain" that can't field his position, will be paying A-Rod $30 million a year when he's scuffling, and gave A.J. Burnett five years and the right to opt out. It's really astounding to think what a quality general manager could have done with the money that's been wasted on Hideki Matsui, Johnny Damon, and the like.
Career highlight: uh...none? He's signed some great players, but he did so by having more money than anyone else.
Lowlights: Pretty much every contract on the team.
5. Jim Hendry - Like three of the four above him, Hendry comes from a team with money, but he has no clue what to do with it. Hendry had a good start to his career, adding Aramis Ramirez for nothing, signing Derrek Lee, and building a franchise that looked like it had a bright future. Then, on the verge of greatness, they've laden their team with overrated players like Alfonso Soriano, gambled on mediocre Japanese talent in Kosuke Fukudome, and traded away their most useful piece for nothing, only to have him end up on the St. Louis Cardinals.
Career highlight: Aramis Ramirez and Kenny Lofton for Bobby Hill and Jose Hernandez. Sighing Ted Lilly.
Career lowlights: having to hand over Mark DeRosa to sign Milton Bradley, who can't play in the field and stay healthy and hasn't played well when he has played. Paying big money for Alfonso Soriano.
Not that far off: Ruben Amaro Jr. - the Ibanez signing didn't make sense, the fact that it has worked thus far doesn't mean the three years will be good, the other moves have all been uniformly stupid, and signing Pedro will be a disaster. He'll be back on the top 5 soon; Ed Wade - he loves making high-risk, no-upside deals, whether it's giving up Brad Lidge and Eric Bruntlett for Michael Bourn and Geoff Geary or giving Mike Hampton a multi-year deal. Billy Beane will make it soon if he keeps having seasons like this one, where he's made three of the worst acquisitions in the game (Cabrera, Holliday, and Giambi).
Dan's Top 5:
1. The Spectre of Dave Littlefield - OK, so technically he's not been a GM since 2007, but I still blame him for the shittiness of the Pirates two seasons after the fact. I'm waiting to see how Huntington chooses to fail to revitalize the team, but until then, I can still hate Littlefield.
2. Dayton Moore - He's in charge of the Royals, right?
3. Jim Hendry - I wouldn't actually say that he's a bad manager, but as a casual Cubs fan, it sure looks like he's paying a lot of money to get mediocre results. Still, a faulty cost-benefit ratio isn't the worst of possible offenses.
4. Brian Cashman - I figured that whoever is currently writing a paycheck to Alex Rodriguez should be included on this list automatically.
5. Neal Huntington - I have absolutely nothing against this guy yet, but I take note: during the 2009 off season there were "no significant transactions." Given my poor knowledge of management, I say that's good enough for inclusion in this list.
Honorable Mention - Billy Beane. Partly personal bias from reading Moneyball, but also the fact that the A's are really in the toilet nowadays.
Showing posts with label very bad things. Show all posts
Showing posts with label very bad things. Show all posts
Friday, July 10, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Top 5 Reasons We Haven't Updated
I'm hoping that this post serves its intended purpose in that it will reignite this blog rather than drive the nail into the coffin. That, and I hate seeing the Killers list every time I devolve into one of my pseudo-Aspberger-syndrome bookmark click-fests.
Dan's Top 5:
1. Laziness - I think everyone knew this was coming at #1. It's like trying to list best rock bands of all time or something - there's no question that the Beatles will be at the top of every non-moron's list. Nowadays - especially since I passed the PhD candidacy exam - I have adopted a particularly "meh" attitude to putting forth a lot of effort to anything. Especially things on the Internet.
2. Social Life - I'm not ashamed to proclaim that I have a girlfriend now. What I am ashamed of is proclaiming it to random people on the street who clearly don't care, and as a result tend to get annoyed with me. And by posting this on the Internet, I'm effectively doing the same to any readers we may have. (Sorry, but you're really asking for it.) But it's true - I'm a happy guy.
3. Pop Culture Sucks - I can't really piece together a moderate list of good things related to pop culture that I've experienced since February. Sure, I saw a pretty cool concert, and got a decent album. I thought Star Trek was a fun movie. But the bare minimum for this site is five - kind of like the opposite of an express checkout lane. There's just not enough good stuff out there - or if there is, it sure isn't making itself obvious.
4. Lack of Cynicism - I never thought this would be true, but I guess it is. You know how, when you ask someone how they're doing, they might say something like "fine"? No matter how true it is, it sounds hollow and lifeless. Well, I'm doing fine right now, which has naturally eroded that biting wit and cynicism that it takes to be funny. Not that I ever was funny, but at least I pretended to be witty and cynical enough.
5. The Year of the Ox - According to the Chinese Zodiac, it's been the Year of the Ox since January 26th. I have no idea what that's supposed to mean from an Eastern astrological point of view, but considering that a huge percentage of all the crap I own has doubtlessly been manufactured in China, I feel there's no reason why it can't be the fault of their ancient calendar. Some sort of collective spiritual force conspiring against me. Man, the Rat was a lot better for my work ethic.
Honorable Mention: Hulu.com
Tim's Top Five:
1. I got married. - Basically, the months of April-early June involved me doing the final wedding planning and then spending the last few weeks with my wonderful wife before she left the country. That meant every weekend was spent with her, which leaves little time for sniping at random things via passive-aggressive blog posts.
2. I have a job. - I also had one weekend off between mid-February and my wedding. One out of about...ten. Again, not much time there.
3. I'm a passive follower. - I am way better at following others' lead when it comes to this blog. I've not been focused on generating lists since I've been busy at work, and with no one else to lead the way, I've been slacking.
4. Esoteric topics - the topics that I've considered for my top fives are all things that I know no one else would have a basis to contribute to, which largely defeats the purpose of posting them.
5. Laziness - Yeah, I'm guilty also.
Dan's Top 5:
1. Laziness - I think everyone knew this was coming at #1. It's like trying to list best rock bands of all time or something - there's no question that the Beatles will be at the top of every non-moron's list. Nowadays - especially since I passed the PhD candidacy exam - I have adopted a particularly "meh" attitude to putting forth a lot of effort to anything. Especially things on the Internet.
2. Social Life - I'm not ashamed to proclaim that I have a girlfriend now. What I am ashamed of is proclaiming it to random people on the street who clearly don't care, and as a result tend to get annoyed with me. And by posting this on the Internet, I'm effectively doing the same to any readers we may have. (Sorry, but you're really asking for it.) But it's true - I'm a happy guy.
3. Pop Culture Sucks - I can't really piece together a moderate list of good things related to pop culture that I've experienced since February. Sure, I saw a pretty cool concert, and got a decent album. I thought Star Trek was a fun movie. But the bare minimum for this site is five - kind of like the opposite of an express checkout lane. There's just not enough good stuff out there - or if there is, it sure isn't making itself obvious.
4. Lack of Cynicism - I never thought this would be true, but I guess it is. You know how, when you ask someone how they're doing, they might say something like "fine"? No matter how true it is, it sounds hollow and lifeless. Well, I'm doing fine right now, which has naturally eroded that biting wit and cynicism that it takes to be funny. Not that I ever was funny, but at least I pretended to be witty and cynical enough.
5. The Year of the Ox - According to the Chinese Zodiac, it's been the Year of the Ox since January 26th. I have no idea what that's supposed to mean from an Eastern astrological point of view, but considering that a huge percentage of all the crap I own has doubtlessly been manufactured in China, I feel there's no reason why it can't be the fault of their ancient calendar. Some sort of collective spiritual force conspiring against me. Man, the Rat was a lot better for my work ethic.
Honorable Mention: Hulu.com
Tim's Top Five:
1. I got married. - Basically, the months of April-early June involved me doing the final wedding planning and then spending the last few weeks with my wonderful wife before she left the country. That meant every weekend was spent with her, which leaves little time for sniping at random things via passive-aggressive blog posts.
2. I have a job. - I also had one weekend off between mid-February and my wedding. One out of about...ten. Again, not much time there.
3. I'm a passive follower. - I am way better at following others' lead when it comes to this blog. I've not been focused on generating lists since I've been busy at work, and with no one else to lead the way, I've been slacking.
4. Esoteric topics - the topics that I've considered for my top fives are all things that I know no one else would have a basis to contribute to, which largely defeats the purpose of posting them.
5. Laziness - Yeah, I'm guilty also.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Top 5 Most Hopeless Franchises in the NBA, NFL, and MLB
The three big ones--in other words, screw hockey. I was feeling another sports Top 5.
Ryan's Top 5:
1. Washington Nationals - The Nationals have a long way to go. Cristian Guzman currently is their best offensive player, Lastings Milledge has the team lead in RBI (followed by Jesus Flores), and their pitching is scant. It's harder to turn around a franchise in baseball than in the NBA and NFL, so the Nationals get the nod over the teams to follow. They continue to employ Jim Bowden.
2. Miami Dolphins - The NFL is the league of parity, but you need some parts before that can happen. The Dolphins need way too much magic to happen at too many positions for them to become good. For starters they need one of their quarterbacks to become good, and by good I mean decent, and by decent I mean mediocre, like, better than Rex Grossman. I don't know if that can happen.
3. Memphis Grizzlies - This is probably a bit high, now that I think about it, I mean they do have that Spanish force in the low-post... oh no wait, they traded him to the Lakers for a can of beans. Yeah, you're going to need an inside presence to compete in the Western Conference. So they draft one (Kevin Love) and trade him away (for OJ Mayo). I just don't see it happening for a while, guys.
4. New York Knicks - The Celtics proved you can turn around a horrible team pretty quick in the NBA. That said, you need to have the parts to pull off trades like that. There's talk of them getting LeBron James in a couple years. OK, so, James goes from a Cleveland team with a poor supporting cast to a New York team with a worse supporting cast? Great, the Knicks will be able to make the playoffs in the wacky all-inclusive NBA and get beat in the first round. They need to make a play for an inside guy.
5. Seattle Mariners - Richie Sexson sucks. Jeremy Reed sucks. Kenji Johjima sucks. Adrian Beltre sucks. Carlos Silva sucks. Jarrod Washburn sucks. R.A. Dickey really sucks. Erik Bedard is getting paid way too much money. Etc. OK, they have money so they probably have a decent-ish shot of turning it around, but still, they deserve mention, because they really suck.
Honorable mentions: Kansas City Chiefs (as long as Carl Petersen is around, who knows what's going to happen...oh, right everyone--we're going to lose. Brodie Croyle does not inspire confidence and Larry Johnson is still owed too much money), Atlanta Falcons, Los Angeles Clippers, Atlanta Braves (I hate the Braves), Denver Broncos (Jay Cutler sucks)
Dan's Top 5:
1. The Pittsburgh Pirates - The worst thing that Barry Bonds ever did (beyond steroid abuse and leaving an irreparable stain on the entire game) was kill the Pirates. Since the very early 90's, the Pirates haven't had a winning season - that's 15 straight years under .500. This season, from what I can tell, Nady and McLouth have led the Pirates to their best first half in years, and they're still 41-47 (only one game ahead of last place). If they manage to have another losing season, they'll have broken the record. After my Cubs win a World Series - which may even happen this year - The Pirates are becoming my new masochist-fan team.
2. The Oakland Raiders - Remember the last time the Raiders were good? Yeah, me neither. I was too busy graduating from high school. I do remember them having Jerry Rice, the greatest receiver in the game's history, and still falling short. The only thing that keeps this team alive are the crazy, god-awful Raiders Fans. They are like cockroaches. Over the past five seasons, the team hasn't achieved more than 5 wins, so I equate that to about two nuclear blasts. But the fans are still there. Only good thing about the Raiders? DeAngelo Hall. And that's a personal bonus more than anything.
3. Seattle Supersonics - Quite literally a hopeless franchise, as the team is packing its bags - borrowed from the Expos - and are headed to glorious Oklahoma City. About the only good thing they have going for them is Kevin Durant, who doesn't seem to be enough to get the team to even break .250. Have fun trying to climb out of the league's basement and win fans in a new location at the same time.
4. Washington Nationals - Man, this team blows. Good thing I hate them.
5. Atlanta Falcons - Really, I think that if they just sort out the quarterback position and adjust their game plan into something that isn't Vick-centric, they should be able to do moderately well. Their place here is more of a testament to how reliant they were on a single player. Perhaps they should take a page from modern businesses and do background checks on their players before they sign them. It could have saved a lot of money in Michael Vick merchandise that has to be burned.
Tim's Top 5:
Might as well start where we all know I’m going to start –
1. Cincinnati Bengals – This team was great enough to make the playoffs once in the last 17 years, and on their first offensive play, Carson Palmer goes down with a knee injury. They have been in defensive rebuilding mode since…Tim Krumrie broke his leg and haven’t been able to draft impact players because they’re too busy replacing injured players (Chris Perry’s hurt? Draft Kenny Irons in the second round!), suspended players (way to go, Odell Thurman and Chris Henry), players threatening to hold out (We’ll show Chad Johnson, we’ll replace him with three rookies) or shitty players (everyone else). The good news is that the team is one step from returning to playoff contention. Unfortunately, that step is going to be really difficult, since there’s not that many elevator shafts that owner Mike Brown could fall into.
2. New York Knicks – Because of basketball’s funky salary cap, it’s hard for teams to make an impact via free agency, and it’s hard for any team that allows Isiah Thomas to run things to make any positive impact in anything. They had the highest payroll in the game, going way over the salary cap – a fact that I don’t even comprehend because of the NBA’s bizarre salary structure that says "Hey, Rashard Lewis…we have a salary cap, we can only pay you $20 million a year."
3. Washington Nationals – Ryan was spot on, this team isn’t going anywhere (in the standings), and it has no reason to, because it has no fans -- which is why they will be going somewhere (sorry, DC...). They threw a huge marketing campaign behind Nick Johnson and Dmitri Young. That tells you all you need to know about how bad this team was at the season’s outset – the players they considered their best…played the same position. Nick Johnson’s hurt again, Austin Kearns has scuffled all season, Milledge is okay, but nothing special. Really, all this team has to be excited about is Elijah Dukes playing adequately in recent weeks to give them a left fielder, and the team’s impending move to Las Vegas in 2018.
4. Pittsburgh Pirates – At least the Royals have cracked .500 in the last 15 years. Once. This team was supposed to be founded on a great young rotation – Duke, Snell, Maholm, Gorzelanny, … and who the hell cares who the fifth starter is! Did you read who the first four aces were? I’m not saying wrap up the World Series trophy…I’m saying pack it in foam, we have four young pitchers who can dominate games and turn this team around. Or…one (or fewer) of them is decent in any given season and they don’t pitch well until the team’s completely eliminated from contention for .500. This was one of the most loaded teams in baseball circa 1990. Since Drabek, Bonds, and Bonilla left via free agency, they’ve replaced none of them. Interesting fact – of the four pitchers I identified above, only one has a WHIP below 1.55 – Paul “Ten Finger” Maholm with a 1.31.
5. Chicago Bears – This team is a shambles. Their defense sucked last season, they chose the wrong running back in Cedric Benson, the wrong quarterback in Rex Grossman (or Kyle Orton), and their defense was awful last year too. They may still finish with a decent record, but that’s because they play in the dreadful NFC North. They make the list primarily because their hopelessness is so remarkable considering where the team was a year or two ago and because I want to dance on their grave, rather than the Arizona Cardinals, who mean nothing to me.
Honorable mention: Houston Astros – they put all their weight behind winning this year, trading a boatload of players for Miguel Tejada and dealing Brad Lidge for magic beans. They’re not going to win this year, so their team’s just getting older; Minnesota Timberwolves – before looking them up, I could name one player on their team – Rodney Carney, who was just traded to them by the Sixers; Carolina Panthers – who are hopeless only at meeting expectations, considering that every other year they’re supposed to be an amazing team and then they finish second or third in a really terrible division; Cincinnati Reds – they hired Dusty Baker. Enough said.; New England Patriots – sorry. I read 'hopeless' as 'shameless'.
Ryan's Top 5:
1. Washington Nationals - The Nationals have a long way to go. Cristian Guzman currently is their best offensive player, Lastings Milledge has the team lead in RBI (followed by Jesus Flores), and their pitching is scant. It's harder to turn around a franchise in baseball than in the NBA and NFL, so the Nationals get the nod over the teams to follow. They continue to employ Jim Bowden.
2. Miami Dolphins - The NFL is the league of parity, but you need some parts before that can happen. The Dolphins need way too much magic to happen at too many positions for them to become good. For starters they need one of their quarterbacks to become good, and by good I mean decent, and by decent I mean mediocre, like, better than Rex Grossman. I don't know if that can happen.
3. Memphis Grizzlies - This is probably a bit high, now that I think about it, I mean they do have that Spanish force in the low-post... oh no wait, they traded him to the Lakers for a can of beans. Yeah, you're going to need an inside presence to compete in the Western Conference. So they draft one (Kevin Love) and trade him away (for OJ Mayo). I just don't see it happening for a while, guys.
4. New York Knicks - The Celtics proved you can turn around a horrible team pretty quick in the NBA. That said, you need to have the parts to pull off trades like that. There's talk of them getting LeBron James in a couple years. OK, so, James goes from a Cleveland team with a poor supporting cast to a New York team with a worse supporting cast? Great, the Knicks will be able to make the playoffs in the wacky all-inclusive NBA and get beat in the first round. They need to make a play for an inside guy.
5. Seattle Mariners - Richie Sexson sucks. Jeremy Reed sucks. Kenji Johjima sucks. Adrian Beltre sucks. Carlos Silva sucks. Jarrod Washburn sucks. R.A. Dickey really sucks. Erik Bedard is getting paid way too much money. Etc. OK, they have money so they probably have a decent-ish shot of turning it around, but still, they deserve mention, because they really suck.
Honorable mentions: Kansas City Chiefs (as long as Carl Petersen is around, who knows what's going to happen...oh, right everyone--we're going to lose. Brodie Croyle does not inspire confidence and Larry Johnson is still owed too much money), Atlanta Falcons, Los Angeles Clippers, Atlanta Braves (I hate the Braves), Denver Broncos (Jay Cutler sucks)
Dan's Top 5:
1. The Pittsburgh Pirates - The worst thing that Barry Bonds ever did (beyond steroid abuse and leaving an irreparable stain on the entire game) was kill the Pirates. Since the very early 90's, the Pirates haven't had a winning season - that's 15 straight years under .500. This season, from what I can tell, Nady and McLouth have led the Pirates to their best first half in years, and they're still 41-47 (only one game ahead of last place). If they manage to have another losing season, they'll have broken the record. After my Cubs win a World Series - which may even happen this year - The Pirates are becoming my new masochist-fan team.
2. The Oakland Raiders - Remember the last time the Raiders were good? Yeah, me neither. I was too busy graduating from high school. I do remember them having Jerry Rice, the greatest receiver in the game's history, and still falling short. The only thing that keeps this team alive are the crazy, god-awful Raiders Fans. They are like cockroaches. Over the past five seasons, the team hasn't achieved more than 5 wins, so I equate that to about two nuclear blasts. But the fans are still there. Only good thing about the Raiders? DeAngelo Hall. And that's a personal bonus more than anything.
3. Seattle Supersonics - Quite literally a hopeless franchise, as the team is packing its bags - borrowed from the Expos - and are headed to glorious Oklahoma City. About the only good thing they have going for them is Kevin Durant, who doesn't seem to be enough to get the team to even break .250. Have fun trying to climb out of the league's basement and win fans in a new location at the same time.
4. Washington Nationals - Man, this team blows. Good thing I hate them.
5. Atlanta Falcons - Really, I think that if they just sort out the quarterback position and adjust their game plan into something that isn't Vick-centric, they should be able to do moderately well. Their place here is more of a testament to how reliant they were on a single player. Perhaps they should take a page from modern businesses and do background checks on their players before they sign them. It could have saved a lot of money in Michael Vick merchandise that has to be burned.
Tim's Top 5:
Might as well start where we all know I’m going to start –
1. Cincinnati Bengals – This team was great enough to make the playoffs once in the last 17 years, and on their first offensive play, Carson Palmer goes down with a knee injury. They have been in defensive rebuilding mode since…Tim Krumrie broke his leg and haven’t been able to draft impact players because they’re too busy replacing injured players (Chris Perry’s hurt? Draft Kenny Irons in the second round!), suspended players (way to go, Odell Thurman and Chris Henry), players threatening to hold out (We’ll show Chad Johnson, we’ll replace him with three rookies) or shitty players (everyone else). The good news is that the team is one step from returning to playoff contention. Unfortunately, that step is going to be really difficult, since there’s not that many elevator shafts that owner Mike Brown could fall into.
2. New York Knicks – Because of basketball’s funky salary cap, it’s hard for teams to make an impact via free agency, and it’s hard for any team that allows Isiah Thomas to run things to make any positive impact in anything. They had the highest payroll in the game, going way over the salary cap – a fact that I don’t even comprehend because of the NBA’s bizarre salary structure that says "Hey, Rashard Lewis…we have a salary cap, we can only pay you $20 million a year."
3. Washington Nationals – Ryan was spot on, this team isn’t going anywhere (in the standings), and it has no reason to, because it has no fans -- which is why they will be going somewhere (sorry, DC...). They threw a huge marketing campaign behind Nick Johnson and Dmitri Young. That tells you all you need to know about how bad this team was at the season’s outset – the players they considered their best…played the same position. Nick Johnson’s hurt again, Austin Kearns has scuffled all season, Milledge is okay, but nothing special. Really, all this team has to be excited about is Elijah Dukes playing adequately in recent weeks to give them a left fielder, and the team’s impending move to Las Vegas in 2018.
4. Pittsburgh Pirates – At least the Royals have cracked .500 in the last 15 years. Once. This team was supposed to be founded on a great young rotation – Duke, Snell, Maholm, Gorzelanny, … and who the hell cares who the fifth starter is! Did you read who the first four aces were? I’m not saying wrap up the World Series trophy…I’m saying pack it in foam, we have four young pitchers who can dominate games and turn this team around. Or…one (or fewer) of them is decent in any given season and they don’t pitch well until the team’s completely eliminated from contention for .500. This was one of the most loaded teams in baseball circa 1990. Since Drabek, Bonds, and Bonilla left via free agency, they’ve replaced none of them. Interesting fact – of the four pitchers I identified above, only one has a WHIP below 1.55 – Paul “Ten Finger” Maholm with a 1.31.
5. Chicago Bears – This team is a shambles. Their defense sucked last season, they chose the wrong running back in Cedric Benson, the wrong quarterback in Rex Grossman (or Kyle Orton), and their defense was awful last year too. They may still finish with a decent record, but that’s because they play in the dreadful NFC North. They make the list primarily because their hopelessness is so remarkable considering where the team was a year or two ago and because I want to dance on their grave, rather than the Arizona Cardinals, who mean nothing to me.
Honorable mention: Houston Astros – they put all their weight behind winning this year, trading a boatload of players for Miguel Tejada and dealing Brad Lidge for magic beans. They’re not going to win this year, so their team’s just getting older; Minnesota Timberwolves – before looking them up, I could name one player on their team – Rodney Carney, who was just traded to them by the Sixers; Carolina Panthers – who are hopeless only at meeting expectations, considering that every other year they’re supposed to be an amazing team and then they finish second or third in a really terrible division; Cincinnati Reds – they hired Dusty Baker. Enough said.; New England Patriots – sorry. I read 'hopeless' as 'shameless'.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Top 5 Travesties in the 2008 All-Star Game
Tim's Top 5:
In case you hadn't noticed, and unless you were me, you hadn't...today is The Top 5's first birthday. Instead of something truly special to commemorate its first birthday...I'm going to complain about how much baseball fans are truly ignorant and how much worse baseball players and managers apparently are. That's right, I need two blogs to do this now.
I can be silent no longer! (note: in fact, I've already created a facebook group called "Jason Varitek is not an all-star", so it's hard to claim I've been silent thus far). This year's All-Star rosters have several travesties, which are hard to even reduce to such a brief list. So this list commemorates the awful inclusions, exclusions, and other potentially abhorrent aspects of the 2008 All-Star Game.
1. Jason Varitek is named to the AL All-Star Team - This one's on the players. Jason Varitek's offensive numbers just barely beat out my own. He's batting a whopping .217 with seven home runs, 27 RBIs, and slugged .360 in 242 at bats, when he's batting around guys like Kevin Youkilis, Dustin Pedroia, Mike Lowell, Manny Ramirez, and David Ortiz. In contrast, Kelly Shoppach, who has filled in as part of baseball's least potent lineup while Victor Martinez has been on the DL, has hit .270 with seven home runs and 20 RBIs while slugging .493! in 148 at bats. I don't hesitate to say that I would take every single American League starting catcher over Varitek and I know that every one of them could be defensible on a purely statistical basis.
2. Ichiro Suzuki -- again -- This one's on the fans. Yeah, here we go again. Japanese people should not be permitted to vote for the All-Star Game, because they really make a mockery of the All-Star game, electing both Ichiro Suzuki and Kosuke Fukudome as starters (thank god for Chase Utley, otherwise Kaz Matsui was almost assured a spot of his own). Kosuke is certainly unworthy, but not nearly unworthy on the level of Ichiro. Ichiro has warranted being in the All-Star game in years past, but this is not one of them. He's .304/.362/.376 for a whopping OPS of .738, an OPS matched only by 22 other outfielders in the American League, out of 32 who are eligible. Yes, Ichiro steals bases, and yes, that brings some value, but even if we added those thirty three steals to his slugging percentage (turn 33 singles into doubles), which is an utterly preposterous exaggeration of their value, since doubles are hits that lead to other batters scoring more frequently, whereas steals only help if people after Ichiro get hits...Ichiro has an OPS of .920, which would be good for the second best in the American League...except that if we did that for everyone else, he'd still barely be clinging to the top 10. He has the 13th best OBP among qualifying AL outfielders, he's not a good defensive player in centerfield (.879 zone rating, roughly equivalent to Josh Hamilton (.874), way behind Sizemore .922 and Granderson .909), and his inclusion leads to Brandon Morrow missing an all-star game even though he has an ERA of 0.65! and has become an effective closer (7 saves in 7 opportunities) after dominating in a setup role.
3. Joe Crede? Seriously? - Joe Crede is having a perfectly adequate season for the surprising White Sox. Except whoops...Evan Longoria and Mike Lowell are the only people who have a claim to this spot, given that Guillen is a lock because of his lousy teammates. You can't even blame this one on old-school people who are enamored with batting average to the exclusion of OBP and OPS, because Crede is worse than Lowell and Longoria in substantially worse than both Lowell and Longoria in average, OBP, and OPS.
4. Derek Jeter - This is on the fans, but would have been on the players, who would have chosen him anyway. This guy is a really shitty baseball player, and I am so tired of seeing him get sucked off by baseball as a whole. He's not even the second best shortstop in the American League (see my analysis on hunglikeajury.blogspot.com, which has only been skewed more in Peralta's favor since I wrote it), but he gets voted in without even a thought as to whether another person is more worthy. In fact, no shortstops are particularly worthy, Pedroia should just be forced to play shortstop in the all-star game to make room for adequate infielders, but Jeter is definitely not worth starting.
5. It "counts" - This one's on the commissioner. The home field advantage for the World Series is stupid and reeks of Bud Selig trying to make things "relevant".
Honorable mentions: the fact that someone other than Cliff Lee will inevitably start the All-Star game, Miguel Tejada, Brian Wilson, Pat Burrell being left behind despite leading NL outfielders in OPS, Miguel Tejada, the fact that I have to admit Jason Giambi's steroided ass is worthy of playing in the All-Star game, Xavier Nady being left off.
Dan's Top 5:
Now, I haven't been paying that much attention to baseball this year, but I have been paying attention enough to realize that the Cubs are one of the best teams in the majors, at least in terms of winning percentage. Being the superstitious fan I am, I refuse to pay further attention to the game until I am sure that they have secured a playoff spot and cannot possibly collapse. So that's my disclaimer - I haven't been paying attention this season. And I'm too lazy to look up any more than the most basic of stats.
1. The Boston Red Sox - Wow, Boston be representin' with seven players. They must be lighting up the standings. Wait, what's that? They're not even winning their division? Where the hell are the Rays? Don't tell me that the reason that Tampa Bay is 4.5 games ahead of the Red Sox is because of Navarro and Kazmir alone. Now, to be fair, I'll give you #2...
2. Seven versus Seven - Both Boston and the Chicago Cubs have seven players elected to the All-Star Game. Even as a fan of the Cubs, I think this is a bit much. Let the World Series come at the end of the season, no matter how badly you wanted to see both teams make it in 2003. Wait, my whole argument assumes that there are other players in the NL that are suitable for the All Star roster... How about Xavier Nady or something? He's batting fucking .321. (I actually hadn't even looked at Tim's list for this idea before I wrote this one.)
3. Derek Jeter - I see that he's already made Tim's list, and after reading his capsule review, I wholeheartedly agree and have nothing of value to add. Why the hell do the people of New York like this asshat more than Alex Rodriguez anyway?
4. Yankee Stadium - This is the stadium's last year, right? OK, so there's a hint of wistful nostalgia here. But remember that this will essentially be the Cubs versus the Red Sox. Let's pray that it doesn't turn into the Cubs versus the Red Sox versus the drunk, pissed off New Yorkers. Then again, that would make for a hell of a Youtube video highlight.
5. Jason Varitek - Ok, after doing a bare minimum of research, I can see how this was Tim's #1. I think I'd rather have Kelly Shoppach on the All Star team than Varitek. Apart from the funny name, that's not even a joke. (Again, thought of this before I read Tim's response.)
Honorable Mention: Only Two Rays? - This was covered in #1 already, but seriously, it deserves one more mention.
Ryan's Top 5:
1. Joe Buck and Tim McCarver - I realize that by now we should be resigned to the fact that Fox owns the All-Star game. But I'm sorry, watching any sports on Fox makes me sad. Joe Buck's voice makes my skin crawl. (This and this pretty much sum it up for Buck.) As for Tim McCarver... well, I have a natural hatred for anyone associated with St. Louis (see Buck). And Fox is hiding the Family Guy clip I want to link to, so here's the dialog:
2. Jason Varitek - I agree with what Tim and Dan said. This really is the biggest All-Star mistake, I think everyone should agree with that.
3. 2/3 of the Cubs Outfield Starting - Anyone whose stats compare favorably with Alex Gordon this year shouldn't be starting in an all-star game. Also, if these two get in, shouldn't David DeJesus, who's arguably having a better year than both? The answer is no. None of them should.
4. Brian Wilson - This was the first name that jumped out at me (after, obviously Varitek, Soriano, Kosuke, Ichiro). Do we need two Giants in this game? Is the National League that bad? The Royals are a better team than the Giants, but we only get our best player in the game. Look, give this spot to Cole Hamels, please. Or another reliever--Jon Rauch? (The Nationals aren't that far off... though Cristian Guzman really shouldn't be in this game, I am not going to look at his stats, it's common sense, it's like you telling me the Chiefs would be in the Super Bowl next year.); Takashi Saito, Hong-Chih Kuo, Francisco Cordero, etc.?
5. Evan Longoria - First he gets left off the opening day roster, now the all-star roster. Come on, folks. Give the rookie his due. I'd much rather watch an up-and-coming superstar than Joe Crede (see Tim's list) or Mike freaking Lowell.
Dishonorable Mention: I hate the Home Run Derby, but I will watch it, and thus I will have to listen to Chris Berman for the first time since football season.
In case you hadn't noticed, and unless you were me, you hadn't...today is The Top 5's first birthday. Instead of something truly special to commemorate its first birthday...I'm going to complain about how much baseball fans are truly ignorant and how much worse baseball players and managers apparently are. That's right, I need two blogs to do this now.
I can be silent no longer! (note: in fact, I've already created a facebook group called "Jason Varitek is not an all-star", so it's hard to claim I've been silent thus far). This year's All-Star rosters have several travesties, which are hard to even reduce to such a brief list. So this list commemorates the awful inclusions, exclusions, and other potentially abhorrent aspects of the 2008 All-Star Game.
1. Jason Varitek is named to the AL All-Star Team - This one's on the players. Jason Varitek's offensive numbers just barely beat out my own. He's batting a whopping .217 with seven home runs, 27 RBIs, and slugged .360 in 242 at bats, when he's batting around guys like Kevin Youkilis, Dustin Pedroia, Mike Lowell, Manny Ramirez, and David Ortiz. In contrast, Kelly Shoppach, who has filled in as part of baseball's least potent lineup while Victor Martinez has been on the DL, has hit .270 with seven home runs and 20 RBIs while slugging .493! in 148 at bats. I don't hesitate to say that I would take every single American League starting catcher over Varitek and I know that every one of them could be defensible on a purely statistical basis.
2. Ichiro Suzuki -- again -- This one's on the fans. Yeah, here we go again. Japanese people should not be permitted to vote for the All-Star Game, because they really make a mockery of the All-Star game, electing both Ichiro Suzuki and Kosuke Fukudome as starters (thank god for Chase Utley, otherwise Kaz Matsui was almost assured a spot of his own). Kosuke is certainly unworthy, but not nearly unworthy on the level of Ichiro. Ichiro has warranted being in the All-Star game in years past, but this is not one of them. He's .304/.362/.376 for a whopping OPS of .738, an OPS matched only by 22 other outfielders in the American League, out of 32 who are eligible. Yes, Ichiro steals bases, and yes, that brings some value, but even if we added those thirty three steals to his slugging percentage (turn 33 singles into doubles), which is an utterly preposterous exaggeration of their value, since doubles are hits that lead to other batters scoring more frequently, whereas steals only help if people after Ichiro get hits...Ichiro has an OPS of .920, which would be good for the second best in the American League...except that if we did that for everyone else, he'd still barely be clinging to the top 10. He has the 13th best OBP among qualifying AL outfielders, he's not a good defensive player in centerfield (.879 zone rating, roughly equivalent to Josh Hamilton (.874), way behind Sizemore .922 and Granderson .909), and his inclusion leads to Brandon Morrow missing an all-star game even though he has an ERA of 0.65! and has become an effective closer (7 saves in 7 opportunities) after dominating in a setup role.
3. Joe Crede? Seriously? - Joe Crede is having a perfectly adequate season for the surprising White Sox. Except whoops...Evan Longoria and Mike Lowell are the only people who have a claim to this spot, given that Guillen is a lock because of his lousy teammates. You can't even blame this one on old-school people who are enamored with batting average to the exclusion of OBP and OPS, because Crede is worse than Lowell and Longoria in substantially worse than both Lowell and Longoria in average, OBP, and OPS.
4. Derek Jeter - This is on the fans, but would have been on the players, who would have chosen him anyway. This guy is a really shitty baseball player, and I am so tired of seeing him get sucked off by baseball as a whole. He's not even the second best shortstop in the American League (see my analysis on hunglikeajury.blogspot.com, which has only been skewed more in Peralta's favor since I wrote it), but he gets voted in without even a thought as to whether another person is more worthy. In fact, no shortstops are particularly worthy, Pedroia should just be forced to play shortstop in the all-star game to make room for adequate infielders, but Jeter is definitely not worth starting.
5. It "counts" - This one's on the commissioner. The home field advantage for the World Series is stupid and reeks of Bud Selig trying to make things "relevant".
Honorable mentions: the fact that someone other than Cliff Lee will inevitably start the All-Star game, Miguel Tejada, Brian Wilson, Pat Burrell being left behind despite leading NL outfielders in OPS, Miguel Tejada, the fact that I have to admit Jason Giambi's steroided ass is worthy of playing in the All-Star game, Xavier Nady being left off.
Dan's Top 5:
Now, I haven't been paying that much attention to baseball this year, but I have been paying attention enough to realize that the Cubs are one of the best teams in the majors, at least in terms of winning percentage. Being the superstitious fan I am, I refuse to pay further attention to the game until I am sure that they have secured a playoff spot and cannot possibly collapse. So that's my disclaimer - I haven't been paying attention this season. And I'm too lazy to look up any more than the most basic of stats.
1. The Boston Red Sox - Wow, Boston be representin' with seven players. They must be lighting up the standings. Wait, what's that? They're not even winning their division? Where the hell are the Rays? Don't tell me that the reason that Tampa Bay is 4.5 games ahead of the Red Sox is because of Navarro and Kazmir alone. Now, to be fair, I'll give you #2...
2. Seven versus Seven - Both Boston and the Chicago Cubs have seven players elected to the All-Star Game. Even as a fan of the Cubs, I think this is a bit much. Let the World Series come at the end of the season, no matter how badly you wanted to see both teams make it in 2003. Wait, my whole argument assumes that there are other players in the NL that are suitable for the All Star roster... How about Xavier Nady or something? He's batting fucking .321. (I actually hadn't even looked at Tim's list for this idea before I wrote this one.)
3. Derek Jeter - I see that he's already made Tim's list, and after reading his capsule review, I wholeheartedly agree and have nothing of value to add. Why the hell do the people of New York like this asshat more than Alex Rodriguez anyway?
4. Yankee Stadium - This is the stadium's last year, right? OK, so there's a hint of wistful nostalgia here. But remember that this will essentially be the Cubs versus the Red Sox. Let's pray that it doesn't turn into the Cubs versus the Red Sox versus the drunk, pissed off New Yorkers. Then again, that would make for a hell of a Youtube video highlight.
5. Jason Varitek - Ok, after doing a bare minimum of research, I can see how this was Tim's #1. I think I'd rather have Kelly Shoppach on the All Star team than Varitek. Apart from the funny name, that's not even a joke. (Again, thought of this before I read Tim's response.)
Honorable Mention: Only Two Rays? - This was covered in #1 already, but seriously, it deserves one more mention.
Ryan's Top 5:
1. Joe Buck and Tim McCarver - I realize that by now we should be resigned to the fact that Fox owns the All-Star game. But I'm sorry, watching any sports on Fox makes me sad. Joe Buck's voice makes my skin crawl. (This and this pretty much sum it up for Buck.) As for Tim McCarver... well, I have a natural hatred for anyone associated with St. Louis (see Buck). And Fox is hiding the Family Guy clip I want to link to, so here's the dialog:
Brian Griffin: Well, I guess Stewie couldn't be any worse than Tim McCarver is at sportscasting.
[cut to Tim McCarver sportscasting]
Tim McCarver: In my view, as good as the Yankees were in the first half of this game, that's how as bad they've been now.
2. Jason Varitek - I agree with what Tim and Dan said. This really is the biggest All-Star mistake, I think everyone should agree with that.
3. 2/3 of the Cubs Outfield Starting - Anyone whose stats compare favorably with Alex Gordon this year shouldn't be starting in an all-star game. Also, if these two get in, shouldn't David DeJesus, who's arguably having a better year than both? The answer is no. None of them should.
4. Brian Wilson - This was the first name that jumped out at me (after, obviously Varitek, Soriano, Kosuke, Ichiro). Do we need two Giants in this game? Is the National League that bad? The Royals are a better team than the Giants, but we only get our best player in the game. Look, give this spot to Cole Hamels, please. Or another reliever--Jon Rauch? (The Nationals aren't that far off... though Cristian Guzman really shouldn't be in this game, I am not going to look at his stats, it's common sense, it's like you telling me the Chiefs would be in the Super Bowl next year.); Takashi Saito, Hong-Chih Kuo, Francisco Cordero, etc.?
5. Evan Longoria - First he gets left off the opening day roster, now the all-star roster. Come on, folks. Give the rookie his due. I'd much rather watch an up-and-coming superstar than Joe Crede (see Tim's list) or Mike freaking Lowell.
Dishonorable Mention: I hate the Home Run Derby, but I will watch it, and thus I will have to listen to Chris Berman for the first time since football season.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Top 5 Worst Ideas For Reality Shows That Actually Made It To Air
To define terms: loosely, think of a reality show as anything that could win the Emmy category. I used the word "idea" on purpose, so that we are free to criticize shows we haven't actually seen. (For example, one doesn't have to watch much or any of that Britney Spears show, whatever it was called, to know it was God-awful.) This website helps: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_reality_television_programs#Reality_game_shows.2FReality_.22Playoffs.22
Ryan's Top Five
1. Bonds on Bonds, ESPN - Here's an idea--let's take one of the biggest jerks in sports and give him a public forum to talk MORE about how he's been victimized. Count me in! This show epitomizes everything that is wrong with ESPN (let alone humanity, American culture, etc.). In a nutshell: excessive (to use understatement) coverage of stuff we don't want to watch. Patriots Spygate stories, endless Yankees and Red Sox games, news, etc., a phony GM press conference involving Steve Phillips (I have not forgotten), Steve Phillips in any capacity that doesn't involve him trading away Mets prospects (Kazmir for an old paint can and Victor Zambrano), "Who's Now?" bullshit, etc. etc. etc. Look. You cover sports. SPORTS. JUST SHOW HIGHLIGHTS ALL DAY LONG.
2. Celebrity Paranormal Project, VH1 - A common theme on this list has to be the "Just add celebrities" paradigm that reality show producers seem to follow. For this stratagem to have any merit, the celebrities would have to be big, or, you know, bigger than someone you wouldn't be surprised to see cutting the ribbon at a new used Kia dealership. (Off topic, but in Celebrity Fit Club, these celebrities are playing for ACTUAL PRIZE MONEY--not for a charity.) The D-List celebrities angle is one thing (examples, hm, examples...I think Chyna Doll was involved...), the having-them-examine-old-mental-hospitals-and-prisons is another. The fact that this was often done in a heartfelt spirit of challenging one's fears... No. (I'll not address the fact that VH-1 was at one point a music video channel...)
3. Rich Girls, MTV - You know who I love to hang out with? Pretentious rich assholes. I especially love to hear their world views. An added bonus of this show: if you listen closely, you can actually hear your brain shriveling while you watch.
4. Kid Nation, CBS - Hah!
5. Skating with Celebrities, Fox - This one has to win the Spirit Award for most ludicrous. You know what I'd rather watch than D-Listers trying to ice skate? Actual figure skating. You know what I'd rather watch than actual figure skating? Paint dry.
Dan's Top Five:
1. There's Something About Miriam, Sky One - "Hosted by Tim Vincent, it featured six men wooing 21-year-old Mexican model Miriam without revealing that she was a transwoman until the final episode... Responses from critics were generally unfavorable, calling it 'the cruellest reality show idea yet' and part of a trend in shows that exploit unwitting contestants. A British reviewer noted, 'The whole premise of There’s Something About Miriam was not a celebration of transgendered life. It was designed to elicit horror from the winning contestant discovering that his dream date had a penis.'"
2. The Swan, FOX - Want to up the ante on makeover shows? Move over, queer eye guys, we're here to do plastic motherfucking surgery! Sure, you could change your clothes, your diet, and your routine of preparing yourself for the day in front of your bathroom mirror, but real beauty lies in the sharpness of the scalpel.
3. The Big Break, The Golf Channel - I just have to regurgitate what wikipedia tells me... "The Big Break was a reality show in which aspiring golf players competed against one another and were eliminated. The show's premise is to award an aspiring professional golfer exemptions into selected events on certain tours. The series debuted on October 6, 2003, and has become very popular, spawning eight subsequent editions." Yeah, read that last part again.
4. Tommy Lee Goes to College, NBC, VH1 - I'm not exaggerating when I say that I laugh every single time I read this title. Hahaha.
5. My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance, FOX - "An elementary school teacher named Randi Coy is offered $250,000 for herself and $250,000 for the rest of her family if she takes part in a fake wedding engagement to a man named "Steve Williams". However she has to convince her family of the engagement and have a wedding arranged in 12 days time with all her family members attending in order to win the money." Here's the sad part, though... "The German broadcaster Sat. 1 adopted the format and aired Mein großer, dicker, peinlicher Verlobter in late 2004. In France Mon incroyable fiancé was aired on TF1 in summer 2005." I am truly ashamed of American culture.
Tim's Top 5:
I have superb news for people here, which is that I am utterly unaware of things on TV. So I'm going to have to do this armed with wikipedia and a vague memory of shows that I know of but have not seen.
1. American Idol - I've gone on this rampage many a time before, but while it has value in the abstract, it suffers from all the deficiencies of all other reality shows -- its premise is utterly abandoned for the conclusion -- after actually having people judge them on their merits for months of prelims, they turn it over to people who will vote for people based on race, sex, attractiveness, or Sanjayacity. The first few weeks of the show, as I understand it, are basically oriented around mocking people who really want to be on the show. The last few weeks are supposed to determine who gets the grand prize of a record contract with Clive Davis.
So...to recap...beginning of show = schadenfreude, middle of show = karaoke to Stevie Wonder songs performed by people who've never even heard Songs in the Key of Life, end of show = votes that can't be counted accurately, not that it matters, since the votes are based on things other than musical talent. Oh, and the vote total doesn't really matter because unfortunately, the ratings for this awful show are really good, so even people who finish sixth on the show get record deals with legitimate labels (and I only know this because my mom bought one of those albums -- John Stevens' Red). So -- premise is abandoned near the end in favor of direct democracy, which so rarely works in any system -- and premise is faulty because the winner might actually get a less lucrative deal anyway (see Clay Aiken). After the Beatles helped us push the talentless hacks who play no instruments and don't write songs down the fame charts, this show has given us people whose whole goal in life is to sell records of other people's work. If everyone who participated in this show in any way, shape, or form were to disappear tomorrow in some American Idol rapture, I suspect those of us who were left behind would live in a much richer world. Oh, this show is also responsible for the god awful movie American Dreamz. I shall never forgive.
2. Flavor of Love - If you can watch Flava Flav for more than five minutes, you obviously hate Chuck D. If you can watch women fawn over the opportunity to...uh, I don't know exactly, with Flava Flav, you are enjoying what is a misogynistic minstrel show. Everything about this show offends me, and I'm not easily offended. A celebration of women whose dream in life is to be a whore would be fine, so long as it wasn't dressed up as something else -- but that programming's already been taken care of by Cinemax and its legions of movies called "Diary of a Prostitute", "Hooker Nights", etc. Strange Love, this show's would-be predecessor, also warrants mention, and is hereby incorporated by reference.
3. Last Comic Standing - I've seen absolutely none of this show -- not one second of it. That said, it is the biggest culprit for the faulty premise of a reality show, because the first season had Kathleen Madigan competing. Kathleen Madigan. Read that again. If you are even incrementally aware of stand-up comedy, Kathleen Madigan has already crossed your radar. This is not taking comedians who are opening for the opening act at the Improv (which is already making it, as far as I'm concerned), it's taking people who are already headlining the Improv and then giving them a chance to be "famous". It'd be like if American Idol required you to sell 100,000 albums before you could be a contestant or if Richard Simmons was a contestant on the Biggest Loser.
4. The Contender - I don't remember what comedy album this is from, but I have to attribute it to someone far funnier than I am (in other words, not Larry the Cable Guy, not Jeff Foxworthy, not Ron White, not Dane Cook). (I've done some research, it was Greg Giraldo -- "Anyone watch The Contender, where they have this show to see who the best boxer is? That kinda reminds me of this other show where they tried to find out who the best boxer was. It was called boxing. Remember that? It was a good show, boxing."
5. The Real Housewives of Orange County - This gets credit for having some douchebag husband on the show get arrested and then say "this proves that celebrities don't get special treatment in the court system". Douchebag, you're not a celebrity. Your show is on bravo or some network that eighteen people are watching at any given time, you're not even one of the titular (I think that word is spot on here) housewives of Orange County. Basically, if you want to watch conniving women act like ... conniving bitches and their husbands act...like conniving bitches, you can watch this show. But I remember another show where you could see people being miserable bastards. It's called going outside. Try it. Then again, if you watch this and enjoy it, please don't. Please never encounter another human being, unless it's to purchase some sort of one-way ticket off this miserable planet.
Honorable mention: absolutely anything MTV has done. I hate MTV and all its works, but The Real World really was the reality show that launched a thousand ships and shut down music videos being played on MTV. Road Rules, The Osbournes, Punk'd -- all these shows should be punishable by death. For some reason game shows like Deal or No Deal get mentioned in this category -- given that it's a game show with absolutely no skill involved, it has to be mentioned; Grease! You're the One That I Want! -- for having a god awful title and bad premise, again, this show already existed, it was called open auditions; Kid Nation - Alas, I know far more about this program than I can disclose.
Just for the record, this top 5 has made me more angry than perhaps any other. I am so furious at the absolute trash that people voluntarily subject themselves to that I may not be able to sleep. I enjoy irony, but man...there's a line, and everything mentioned above (on any of these lists) crosses it. I have watched no reality show that I know of, though I know educated people who enjoy The Amazing Race, so I will assume it to be less horrific than most (even though I know from my limited experience in viewing it, that it also suffers from any number of faulty premises).
Ryan's Top Five
1. Bonds on Bonds, ESPN - Here's an idea--let's take one of the biggest jerks in sports and give him a public forum to talk MORE about how he's been victimized. Count me in! This show epitomizes everything that is wrong with ESPN (let alone humanity, American culture, etc.). In a nutshell: excessive (to use understatement) coverage of stuff we don't want to watch. Patriots Spygate stories, endless Yankees and Red Sox games, news, etc., a phony GM press conference involving Steve Phillips (I have not forgotten), Steve Phillips in any capacity that doesn't involve him trading away Mets prospects (Kazmir for an old paint can and Victor Zambrano), "Who's Now?" bullshit, etc. etc. etc. Look. You cover sports. SPORTS. JUST SHOW HIGHLIGHTS ALL DAY LONG.
2. Celebrity Paranormal Project, VH1 - A common theme on this list has to be the "Just add celebrities" paradigm that reality show producers seem to follow. For this stratagem to have any merit, the celebrities would have to be big, or, you know, bigger than someone you wouldn't be surprised to see cutting the ribbon at a new used Kia dealership. (Off topic, but in Celebrity Fit Club, these celebrities are playing for ACTUAL PRIZE MONEY--not for a charity.) The D-List celebrities angle is one thing (examples, hm, examples...I think Chyna Doll was involved...), the having-them-examine-old-mental-hospitals-and-prisons is another. The fact that this was often done in a heartfelt spirit of challenging one's fears... No. (I'll not address the fact that VH-1 was at one point a music video channel...)
3. Rich Girls, MTV - You know who I love to hang out with? Pretentious rich assholes. I especially love to hear their world views. An added bonus of this show: if you listen closely, you can actually hear your brain shriveling while you watch.
4. Kid Nation, CBS - Hah!
5. Skating with Celebrities, Fox - This one has to win the Spirit Award for most ludicrous. You know what I'd rather watch than D-Listers trying to ice skate? Actual figure skating. You know what I'd rather watch than actual figure skating? Paint dry.
Dan's Top Five:
1. There's Something About Miriam, Sky One - "Hosted by Tim Vincent, it featured six men wooing 21-year-old Mexican model Miriam without revealing that she was a transwoman until the final episode... Responses from critics were generally unfavorable, calling it 'the cruellest reality show idea yet' and part of a trend in shows that exploit unwitting contestants. A British reviewer noted, 'The whole premise of There’s Something About Miriam was not a celebration of transgendered life. It was designed to elicit horror from the winning contestant discovering that his dream date had a penis.'"
2. The Swan, FOX - Want to up the ante on makeover shows? Move over, queer eye guys, we're here to do plastic motherfucking surgery! Sure, you could change your clothes, your diet, and your routine of preparing yourself for the day in front of your bathroom mirror, but real beauty lies in the sharpness of the scalpel.
3. The Big Break, The Golf Channel - I just have to regurgitate what wikipedia tells me... "The Big Break was a reality show in which aspiring golf players competed against one another and were eliminated. The show's premise is to award an aspiring professional golfer exemptions into selected events on certain tours. The series debuted on October 6, 2003, and has become very popular, spawning eight subsequent editions." Yeah, read that last part again.
4. Tommy Lee Goes to College, NBC, VH1 - I'm not exaggerating when I say that I laugh every single time I read this title. Hahaha.
5. My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance, FOX - "An elementary school teacher named Randi Coy is offered $250,000 for herself and $250,000 for the rest of her family if she takes part in a fake wedding engagement to a man named "Steve Williams". However she has to convince her family of the engagement and have a wedding arranged in 12 days time with all her family members attending in order to win the money." Here's the sad part, though... "The German broadcaster Sat. 1 adopted the format and aired Mein großer, dicker, peinlicher Verlobter in late 2004. In France Mon incroyable fiancé was aired on TF1 in summer 2005." I am truly ashamed of American culture.
Tim's Top 5:
I have superb news for people here, which is that I am utterly unaware of things on TV. So I'm going to have to do this armed with wikipedia and a vague memory of shows that I know of but have not seen.
1. American Idol - I've gone on this rampage many a time before, but while it has value in the abstract, it suffers from all the deficiencies of all other reality shows -- its premise is utterly abandoned for the conclusion -- after actually having people judge them on their merits for months of prelims, they turn it over to people who will vote for people based on race, sex, attractiveness, or Sanjayacity. The first few weeks of the show, as I understand it, are basically oriented around mocking people who really want to be on the show. The last few weeks are supposed to determine who gets the grand prize of a record contract with Clive Davis.
So...to recap...beginning of show = schadenfreude, middle of show = karaoke to Stevie Wonder songs performed by people who've never even heard Songs in the Key of Life, end of show = votes that can't be counted accurately, not that it matters, since the votes are based on things other than musical talent. Oh, and the vote total doesn't really matter because unfortunately, the ratings for this awful show are really good, so even people who finish sixth on the show get record deals with legitimate labels (and I only know this because my mom bought one of those albums -- John Stevens' Red). So -- premise is abandoned near the end in favor of direct democracy, which so rarely works in any system -- and premise is faulty because the winner might actually get a less lucrative deal anyway (see Clay Aiken). After the Beatles helped us push the talentless hacks who play no instruments and don't write songs down the fame charts, this show has given us people whose whole goal in life is to sell records of other people's work. If everyone who participated in this show in any way, shape, or form were to disappear tomorrow in some American Idol rapture, I suspect those of us who were left behind would live in a much richer world. Oh, this show is also responsible for the god awful movie American Dreamz. I shall never forgive.
2. Flavor of Love - If you can watch Flava Flav for more than five minutes, you obviously hate Chuck D. If you can watch women fawn over the opportunity to...uh, I don't know exactly, with Flava Flav, you are enjoying what is a misogynistic minstrel show. Everything about this show offends me, and I'm not easily offended. A celebration of women whose dream in life is to be a whore would be fine, so long as it wasn't dressed up as something else -- but that programming's already been taken care of by Cinemax and its legions of movies called "Diary of a Prostitute", "Hooker Nights", etc. Strange Love, this show's would-be predecessor, also warrants mention, and is hereby incorporated by reference.
3. Last Comic Standing - I've seen absolutely none of this show -- not one second of it. That said, it is the biggest culprit for the faulty premise of a reality show, because the first season had Kathleen Madigan competing. Kathleen Madigan. Read that again. If you are even incrementally aware of stand-up comedy, Kathleen Madigan has already crossed your radar. This is not taking comedians who are opening for the opening act at the Improv (which is already making it, as far as I'm concerned), it's taking people who are already headlining the Improv and then giving them a chance to be "famous". It'd be like if American Idol required you to sell 100,000 albums before you could be a contestant or if Richard Simmons was a contestant on the Biggest Loser.
4. The Contender - I don't remember what comedy album this is from, but I have to attribute it to someone far funnier than I am (in other words, not Larry the Cable Guy, not Jeff Foxworthy, not Ron White, not Dane Cook). (I've done some research, it was Greg Giraldo -- "Anyone watch The Contender, where they have this show to see who the best boxer is? That kinda reminds me of this other show where they tried to find out who the best boxer was. It was called boxing. Remember that? It was a good show, boxing."
5. The Real Housewives of Orange County - This gets credit for having some douchebag husband on the show get arrested and then say "this proves that celebrities don't get special treatment in the court system". Douchebag, you're not a celebrity. Your show is on bravo or some network that eighteen people are watching at any given time, you're not even one of the titular (I think that word is spot on here) housewives of Orange County. Basically, if you want to watch conniving women act like ... conniving bitches and their husbands act...like conniving bitches, you can watch this show. But I remember another show where you could see people being miserable bastards. It's called going outside. Try it. Then again, if you watch this and enjoy it, please don't. Please never encounter another human being, unless it's to purchase some sort of one-way ticket off this miserable planet.
Honorable mention: absolutely anything MTV has done. I hate MTV and all its works, but The Real World really was the reality show that launched a thousand ships and shut down music videos being played on MTV. Road Rules, The Osbournes, Punk'd -- all these shows should be punishable by death. For some reason game shows like Deal or No Deal get mentioned in this category -- given that it's a game show with absolutely no skill involved, it has to be mentioned; Grease! You're the One That I Want! -- for having a god awful title and bad premise, again, this show already existed, it was called open auditions; Kid Nation - Alas, I know far more about this program than I can disclose.
Just for the record, this top 5 has made me more angry than perhaps any other. I am so furious at the absolute trash that people voluntarily subject themselves to that I may not be able to sleep. I enjoy irony, but man...there's a line, and everything mentioned above (on any of these lists) crosses it. I have watched no reality show that I know of, though I know educated people who enjoy The Amazing Race, so I will assume it to be less horrific than most (even though I know from my limited experience in viewing it, that it also suffers from any number of faulty premises).
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Top 5 Worst Best Picture Nominees 2000-present
Tim's Top 5:
I was going to say films to win best picture, but since I'm quite certain I'm the only person on here who can tell you definitively how much worse The English Patient was than Cimarron...I figured I'd keep it current.
(For convenience sake, at the end, I've included all the films that fall into the category. For the record, I've not seen Babel nor Atonement. This completes the list of movies I haven't seen on said list. I suspect both might crack my top 5 list)
1) The Hours - This movie reads like a lifetime original motion picture. Nicole Kidman got an Oscar for being ugly in the same way Bill Murray almost came away with an Oscar for not being funny (see #2), and a movie that's supposed to be about women comes off as being one of the most chauvinistic films in decades. Women get by because of their gay friends with AIDS (Ed Harris in a truly punishing performance), or they don't get by at all. Meryl Streep comes off as an awful stereotype of the independent woman who is, as I wrote in my initial review "perpetually smug"...aw, hell, I have to quote me here "[Streep] occupies the screen like she's paying rent there, and emotes her way through an agonizing, yet critically-acclaimed performance." But since Streep is the focal point of the movie, there's little else to say. It's a dreadful assemblage of thin characters and obvious motifs.
2) Lost In Translation - Sofia Coppola has made three films, two of which I've had the misfortune of seeing. But while The Virgin Suicides suffered from a creepy narrator and not much of a story, Lost In Translation suffers from the fact that no one bothered to check whether the movie was finished before releasing it. You watch Scarlett Johansson and Bill Murray, they do things, they develop a bit of a relationship, and then the oh so touching ending THAT NO ONE WROTE. If you invite me to pay $10 for a movie, the least you can do is actually have a beginning, a middle, and an end -- not just make the entire movie hinge on words that no one hears. I love this -- someone trying to defend the movie on the IMDb said "pointless, plotless, and boring?" to try and defeat a straw man. But actually, they summarized it pretty beautifully -- I'll strike the question mark and this movie finally has an ending.
3) The Green Mile - Few movies have the gall to be so openly manipulative as The Green Mile, which is a woeful failure in all the ways The Shawshank Redemption was successful. Tom Hanks tries to play a bladder infection for laughs and fails, the Christian allegory is horrifically transparent, the movie is three hours long, and it manages to make every character unlikeable. Then throw in some heavy-handed Hollywood nostalgia. Also, if possible, try to make the movie completely anachronistic in geography and time period. Hey, you did it. Thanks.
4) No Country For Old Men - Few movies have left me feeling so angry. I walked out of there pretty much holding my head with anguish at what had just been declared a massively successful film achievement. While The Departed was a profound disappointment that amounted to little more than a bloodbath, there was a point...sort of. Nearly everyone's dead, you get to watch a lot of gruesome deaths, the sound is horrifying (I'll give them props, they were robbed at the Oscars, listening to this movie made me ill), and Bardem is pretty good at playing the remorseless psychotic with no purpose in killing, but it still adds up to a movie that leaves you pretty much where you started or worse. Fatalism and nihilism doesn't make for good filmmaking unless there's some sort of devolution throughout the film.
5) A Beautiful Mind - So how do you make a terrible biopic? Well, cast someone really unsuitable for a role -- wiry mathematician...enter Russell Crowe. Wipe their life story of anything the least bit controversial -- take that communist tendencies and homosexuality. Throw in a love interest that's not believable -- Jennifer Connelly with mathematician...check. Now add things that are utterly preposterous (like a mythical roommate) and change everything about the story to make it more Hollywood. Shudder. This is fish-in-a-barrel drama, but it's still executed as badly as Michael Clarke Duncan in The Green Mile.
Honorable mention: Finding Neverland - Enough with the Johnny Depp blowing, film critics, it's been a while since he's made a good movie; The Sixth Sense - when you've got a one-bit premise, try not to make it totally obvious. Unbreakable was infinitely better; Chocolat - a film that was so painfully American in attempting to be French or Italian. Harvey Weinstein definitely engaged in sexual favors for it to be nominated; Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring - what happens, exactly? I'm not a fan of LotR, so I could go on, but all others like opaque cinema where you can actually see Peter Jackson making decisions with extreme close-ups, slow motion, soft focus, and everything but a constant barrage of center wipes; The Departed - it sucked. Scorsese needs to stay out of Boston.
Best Picture Nominees:
2000-2008
American Beauty
Atonement
The Aviator
Babel
A Beautiful Mind
Brokeback Mountain
Capote
Chicago
Chocolat
The Cider House Rules
Crash
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
The Departed
Erin Brockovich
Finding Neverland
Gangs of New York
Gladiator
Good Night, and Good Luck
Gosford Park
The Green Mile
The Hours
The Insider
In the Bedroom
Juno
Letters From Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Master and Commander: the Far Side of the World
Michael Clayton
Million Dollar Baby
Moulin Rouge!
Munich
Mystic River
No Country For Old Men
The Pianist
The Queen
Ray
Seabiscuit
Sideways
The Sixth Sense
There Will Be Blood
Traffic
Ryan's Top Five
I have not seen but 30-40% of this list. I shall persevere.
1. "The Sixth Sense" - Tim's right--"Unbreakable" was a lot better (read: good, not bad).
2. "Lost in Translation" - I only saw this once, but damn, this movie was boring. I have to like characters to get involved, and I didn't like any of these people.
3. "Ray" - Jamie Foxx deserved to win best actor. That said, biopics BORE THE BEJESUS out of me.
4. "The Fellowship of the Ring" - I really liked "The Two Towers," this one as boring as sin. Seriously.
5. "Little Miss Sunshine" - I do really like this movie and Steve Carell was great, but the ending was a bit too off for it to be a "best movie." (Keep in mind there are probably many movies I could see that would knock this one off the list.)
Dan's Top 5:
I actually like all the films in the list that I saw in the aforementioned list, with exception of what is noted below.
1. Mystic River - I just flat out didn't like it.
2. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon - All I remember was seeing a bunch of flying around on wires. I didn't get to see the full movie, but I doubt I would have liked it.
3. Erin Brockovich - I like this movie, actually. But I get it already - the main character is a woman.
4. Little Miss Sunshine - Probably one of the worst endings ever, especially for india cinema.
5. Master and Commander: the Far Side of the World - I can't remember the main conflict of this movie. I've seen it, but nothing stuck. I was really expecting more out of this movie.
Honorable mention: Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
I was going to say films to win best picture, but since I'm quite certain I'm the only person on here who can tell you definitively how much worse The English Patient was than Cimarron...I figured I'd keep it current.
(For convenience sake, at the end, I've included all the films that fall into the category. For the record, I've not seen Babel nor Atonement. This completes the list of movies I haven't seen on said list. I suspect both might crack my top 5 list)
1) The Hours - This movie reads like a lifetime original motion picture. Nicole Kidman got an Oscar for being ugly in the same way Bill Murray almost came away with an Oscar for not being funny (see #2), and a movie that's supposed to be about women comes off as being one of the most chauvinistic films in decades. Women get by because of their gay friends with AIDS (Ed Harris in a truly punishing performance), or they don't get by at all. Meryl Streep comes off as an awful stereotype of the independent woman who is, as I wrote in my initial review "perpetually smug"...aw, hell, I have to quote me here "[Streep] occupies the screen like she's paying rent there, and emotes her way through an agonizing, yet critically-acclaimed performance." But since Streep is the focal point of the movie, there's little else to say. It's a dreadful assemblage of thin characters and obvious motifs.
2) Lost In Translation - Sofia Coppola has made three films, two of which I've had the misfortune of seeing. But while The Virgin Suicides suffered from a creepy narrator and not much of a story, Lost In Translation suffers from the fact that no one bothered to check whether the movie was finished before releasing it. You watch Scarlett Johansson and Bill Murray, they do things, they develop a bit of a relationship, and then the oh so touching ending THAT NO ONE WROTE. If you invite me to pay $10 for a movie, the least you can do is actually have a beginning, a middle, and an end -- not just make the entire movie hinge on words that no one hears. I love this -- someone trying to defend the movie on the IMDb said "pointless, plotless, and boring?" to try and defeat a straw man. But actually, they summarized it pretty beautifully -- I'll strike the question mark and this movie finally has an ending.
3) The Green Mile - Few movies have the gall to be so openly manipulative as The Green Mile, which is a woeful failure in all the ways The Shawshank Redemption was successful. Tom Hanks tries to play a bladder infection for laughs and fails, the Christian allegory is horrifically transparent, the movie is three hours long, and it manages to make every character unlikeable. Then throw in some heavy-handed Hollywood nostalgia. Also, if possible, try to make the movie completely anachronistic in geography and time period. Hey, you did it. Thanks.
4) No Country For Old Men - Few movies have left me feeling so angry. I walked out of there pretty much holding my head with anguish at what had just been declared a massively successful film achievement. While The Departed was a profound disappointment that amounted to little more than a bloodbath, there was a point...sort of. Nearly everyone's dead, you get to watch a lot of gruesome deaths, the sound is horrifying (I'll give them props, they were robbed at the Oscars, listening to this movie made me ill), and Bardem is pretty good at playing the remorseless psychotic with no purpose in killing, but it still adds up to a movie that leaves you pretty much where you started or worse. Fatalism and nihilism doesn't make for good filmmaking unless there's some sort of devolution throughout the film.
5) A Beautiful Mind - So how do you make a terrible biopic? Well, cast someone really unsuitable for a role -- wiry mathematician...enter Russell Crowe. Wipe their life story of anything the least bit controversial -- take that communist tendencies and homosexuality. Throw in a love interest that's not believable -- Jennifer Connelly with mathematician...check. Now add things that are utterly preposterous (like a mythical roommate) and change everything about the story to make it more Hollywood. Shudder. This is fish-in-a-barrel drama, but it's still executed as badly as Michael Clarke Duncan in The Green Mile.
Honorable mention: Finding Neverland - Enough with the Johnny Depp blowing, film critics, it's been a while since he's made a good movie; The Sixth Sense - when you've got a one-bit premise, try not to make it totally obvious. Unbreakable was infinitely better; Chocolat - a film that was so painfully American in attempting to be French or Italian. Harvey Weinstein definitely engaged in sexual favors for it to be nominated; Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring - what happens, exactly? I'm not a fan of LotR, so I could go on, but all others like opaque cinema where you can actually see Peter Jackson making decisions with extreme close-ups, slow motion, soft focus, and everything but a constant barrage of center wipes; The Departed - it sucked. Scorsese needs to stay out of Boston.
Best Picture Nominees:
2000-2008
American Beauty
Atonement
The Aviator
Babel
A Beautiful Mind
Brokeback Mountain
Capote
Chicago
Chocolat
The Cider House Rules
Crash
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
The Departed
Erin Brockovich
Finding Neverland
Gangs of New York
Gladiator
Good Night, and Good Luck
Gosford Park
The Green Mile
The Hours
The Insider
In the Bedroom
Juno
Letters From Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Master and Commander: the Far Side of the World
Michael Clayton
Million Dollar Baby
Moulin Rouge!
Munich
Mystic River
No Country For Old Men
The Pianist
The Queen
Ray
Seabiscuit
Sideways
The Sixth Sense
There Will Be Blood
Traffic
Ryan's Top Five
I have not seen but 30-40% of this list. I shall persevere.
1. "The Sixth Sense" - Tim's right--"Unbreakable" was a lot better (read: good, not bad).
2. "Lost in Translation" - I only saw this once, but damn, this movie was boring. I have to like characters to get involved, and I didn't like any of these people.
3. "Ray" - Jamie Foxx deserved to win best actor. That said, biopics BORE THE BEJESUS out of me.
4. "The Fellowship of the Ring" - I really liked "The Two Towers," this one as boring as sin. Seriously.
5. "Little Miss Sunshine" - I do really like this movie and Steve Carell was great, but the ending was a bit too off for it to be a "best movie." (Keep in mind there are probably many movies I could see that would knock this one off the list.)
Dan's Top 5:
I actually like all the films in the list that I saw in the aforementioned list, with exception of what is noted below.
1. Mystic River - I just flat out didn't like it.
2. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon - All I remember was seeing a bunch of flying around on wires. I didn't get to see the full movie, but I doubt I would have liked it.
3. Erin Brockovich - I like this movie, actually. But I get it already - the main character is a woman.
4. Little Miss Sunshine - Probably one of the worst endings ever, especially for india cinema.
5. Master and Commander: the Far Side of the World - I can't remember the main conflict of this movie. I've seen it, but nothing stuck. I was really expecting more out of this movie.
Honorable mention: Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Top 5 Worst U.S. Presidents
After reading a lot about Hunter Thompson's Nixon-hate, I figured I'd exercise my history muscles and try to come up with this one. It was a bit harder than I first anticipated.
Dan's Top 5:
1. James Buchanan - The man who probably did the most to destroy the United States. Bleeding Kansas, Dred Scott, and the disintegration of the country. Historians in 2006 voted his failure to deal with secession the worst presidential mistake ever made. Probably the worst thing you can say about him is that Abraham Lincoln's presidency was so exceptional because Buchanan destroyed the country for him, like when you see some asshole kid who challenges you to a game of 52 pickup.
2. Richard Nixon - The man who probably destroyed my faith in the presidency, if I ever had any. He became the father of the modern imperial presidency by encroaching on Congressional power, which I think is part of the reason the U.S. government can accomplish so little these days (The other reason is that it's the U.S. Government.) Then there's that Watergate thing. There was a poll shortly after Watergate that showed that even if the American people knew about Watergate heading in to the 1972 election, he still would have won in a landslide. Maybe it's my faith in the public that should be destroyed.
3. George W. Bush - Eventually, I suspect that he will be ranked higher on this list. I wouldn't be surprised if he's eventually tried for war crimes or something. Think of how well this country was doing back at the turn of the century. Of course, part of the blame could also be put on terrorist attacks and the fact that Congress was controlled by Republicans, allowing Bush to get away with more. Allow his "legacy" to sink in, and he'll probably be regarded as one of the worst presidents of all time.
4. Andrew Johnson - The other half of the Buchanan-Johnson Oreo cookie, with Lincoln secure in his status as the excellent cream filling. He opposed the Reconstruction movement and the establishment of civil rights. He also actually worked to block the Fourteenth Amendment, which is probably the most cited amendment in history (except that 24th Amendment.) He even once wrote, "This is a country for white men, and by God, as long as I am President, it shall be a government for white men."
5. Warren G. Harding - He once said, "I am not fit for this office and never should have been here." I never did learn much about his administration apart from the Teapot Dome scandal, but for what I can gather, he didn't have much control over anything. I'm happy to let him speak for himself here.
Ryan's Top Five
1. George W. Bush - Jesus, Christ. Keith Olbermann says it better than I could ever hope to right here:
Part 1.
Part 2.
Worth the 12 minutes.
2. James Buchanan - I mean, really every president from 1840-1860.
3. Andrew Jackson - He gets the spirit award for A) being such an outrageous racist (I'm sorry, I don't forgive people for the times they live in, fuck that) and B) being well too-admired by critics.
4. Richard Nixon - Douche.
5. George W. Bush - In the interest of being topical, I will rank him twice. In the years (decades) to come we will realize his Legacy of Pain. A murdering liar.
Honorable mentions: There are very few that I actually respect.
Tim's Top Five:
1. Ronald Reagan - This was the face that launched a thousand idiots. Before Ronald Reagan, we had a trade surplus, we were making things and selling things. Ronald Reagan shows up, decries how unions are destroying our ability to compete, effectively ends organized labor in the United States, and now we make nothing and buy everything from other countries, with our only domestic industry being arms. He is the face of the military-industrial complex and has millions of Republicans in lockstep behind anyone who can claim to be a buffoon. He is responsible for #2 on this list, and cannot possibly fall any lower on this list.
2. George W. Bush - He created a fake war, destroyed the last lingering belief that this country was guided by the principles he constantly belabored, and got re-elected by dropping our elections to an all-new low. He helped create the new economic depression and was so bad that he convinced a lot of Republicans to vote for Barack Obama. Read that twice. And he's not sure about evolution, understandably, being the best argument against natural selection that we've seen recently.
3. James Buchanan - Such a bad president he couldn't even get a woman to marry him.
4. Sarah Palin - I don't want to have to edit this list in a few years, so I might as well just get it right the first time.
5. William Henry Harrison - It's hard to be a caretaker president when you spend your entire tenure being taken care of. You shouldn't have let Akira Kurosawa write your speech.
Dan's Top 5:
1. James Buchanan - The man who probably did the most to destroy the United States. Bleeding Kansas, Dred Scott, and the disintegration of the country. Historians in 2006 voted his failure to deal with secession the worst presidential mistake ever made. Probably the worst thing you can say about him is that Abraham Lincoln's presidency was so exceptional because Buchanan destroyed the country for him, like when you see some asshole kid who challenges you to a game of 52 pickup.
2. Richard Nixon - The man who probably destroyed my faith in the presidency, if I ever had any. He became the father of the modern imperial presidency by encroaching on Congressional power, which I think is part of the reason the U.S. government can accomplish so little these days (The other reason is that it's the U.S. Government.) Then there's that Watergate thing. There was a poll shortly after Watergate that showed that even if the American people knew about Watergate heading in to the 1972 election, he still would have won in a landslide. Maybe it's my faith in the public that should be destroyed.
3. George W. Bush - Eventually, I suspect that he will be ranked higher on this list. I wouldn't be surprised if he's eventually tried for war crimes or something. Think of how well this country was doing back at the turn of the century. Of course, part of the blame could also be put on terrorist attacks and the fact that Congress was controlled by Republicans, allowing Bush to get away with more. Allow his "legacy" to sink in, and he'll probably be regarded as one of the worst presidents of all time.
4. Andrew Johnson - The other half of the Buchanan-Johnson Oreo cookie, with Lincoln secure in his status as the excellent cream filling. He opposed the Reconstruction movement and the establishment of civil rights. He also actually worked to block the Fourteenth Amendment, which is probably the most cited amendment in history (except that 24th Amendment.) He even once wrote, "This is a country for white men, and by God, as long as I am President, it shall be a government for white men."
5. Warren G. Harding - He once said, "I am not fit for this office and never should have been here." I never did learn much about his administration apart from the Teapot Dome scandal, but for what I can gather, he didn't have much control over anything. I'm happy to let him speak for himself here.
Ryan's Top Five
1. George W. Bush - Jesus, Christ. Keith Olbermann says it better than I could ever hope to right here:
Part 1.
Part 2.
Worth the 12 minutes.
2. James Buchanan - I mean, really every president from 1840-1860.
3. Andrew Jackson - He gets the spirit award for A) being such an outrageous racist (I'm sorry, I don't forgive people for the times they live in, fuck that) and B) being well too-admired by critics.
4. Richard Nixon - Douche.
5. George W. Bush - In the interest of being topical, I will rank him twice. In the years (decades) to come we will realize his Legacy of Pain. A murdering liar.
Honorable mentions: There are very few that I actually respect.
Tim's Top Five:
1. Ronald Reagan - This was the face that launched a thousand idiots. Before Ronald Reagan, we had a trade surplus, we were making things and selling things. Ronald Reagan shows up, decries how unions are destroying our ability to compete, effectively ends organized labor in the United States, and now we make nothing and buy everything from other countries, with our only domestic industry being arms. He is the face of the military-industrial complex and has millions of Republicans in lockstep behind anyone who can claim to be a buffoon. He is responsible for #2 on this list, and cannot possibly fall any lower on this list.
2. George W. Bush - He created a fake war, destroyed the last lingering belief that this country was guided by the principles he constantly belabored, and got re-elected by dropping our elections to an all-new low. He helped create the new economic depression and was so bad that he convinced a lot of Republicans to vote for Barack Obama. Read that twice. And he's not sure about evolution, understandably, being the best argument against natural selection that we've seen recently.
3. James Buchanan - Such a bad president he couldn't even get a woman to marry him.
4. Sarah Palin - I don't want to have to edit this list in a few years, so I might as well just get it right the first time.
5. William Henry Harrison - It's hard to be a caretaker president when you spend your entire tenure being taken care of. You shouldn't have let Akira Kurosawa write your speech.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Top 5 Things Unworthy of Top 5 Lists
(Edit: Tim's preamble)Inspired by an email I saw describing Ratdog as the leading member of what I regarded as the least prestigious honor of all time (see my #1), I concocted this list...things that by ranking, you subconsciously would have to accept that there was something -- anything -- positive about them. (e.g., it's hard to call anything about them "top" -- for instance, "top five members of Creed" would be a possible choice for the list -- assuming both that there are five members and that you could actually bring yourself to somehow differentiate their shittiness)
Dan's Top 5:
1. Top 5 Brutal Dictators - Hitler is #1, of course. That very sentence is the reason this Top 5 would suck, as Hitler is widely regarded as the most evil man in human history. Truly he and all other dictators are unworthy of Top 5 status.
2. Top 5 Lamar Odom Injuries - If you've played me in fantasy basketball, you know that I was plagued by the Lamar Odom curse. This guy has even been injured in a team shootaround. I would have put that as my #1, but a quick Google search shows that he JUST GOT INJURED AGAIN two days ago. This time he didn't even make it to the shootaround. He was driving to the shootaround when he got into a car accident and suffered a concussion.
3. Top 5 Steely Dan Singles - Really, Steely Dan has been on top of my hate list of music for quite some time. In fact, they're the reason I said I hated the 70's for so long. Then I later realized that so much good, non-Steely-Dan-sounding music was made in the 70's.
4. Top 5 Diseases - Malaria, Dysentery, Cancer... Very similar reasoning to Top 5 Creed members.
5. Top 5 Moments in Golf - Golf is a boring sport to watch. Every highlight in this top five is probably just going to be an insanely long putt.
Tim's Top 5:
1. Top 5 Jam Bands - Ratdog was described as "one of the top five jam bands of all time", putting them in company with Phish, Widespread Panic and The Grateful Dead (which itself spawned Ratdog). I can not only not name a fifth, nor can anyone who enjoys jam bands, because they're operating under such a minimal level of consciousness thanks to the pharmacopia that surrounds jam bands that they're not frequent list-makers.
2. Top 5 Terminal Cancers - It's one thing to say Terminal Diseases here...but let's be honest, leprosy is still funny, because you won't get it, no one you know will get it, it involves your fingers falling off, and if you somehow did get it, you really really earned it.
3. Top 5 Reasons to Join a Fraternity - #1-5 You're a douchebag and hope to meet other douchebags with an interest in douchebaggery and/or Dane Cook.
4. Top 5 Sofia Coppola movies - I have to say that, far and away, The Virgin Suicides is the best Sofia Coppola movie...and it is sheer horror from beginning to end. Even though she's not reached five films, just to include her in a sentence with words like "non-shitty", "competent", "workmanlike", "inoffensive", "harmless", and "notpureevil" is a strain upon the boundaries of the English lexicon.
5. Top 5 NASCAR Races - This is actually quite easy...whichever races go the fastest...the Pocono 25, for instance, would be an easy chart-topper, if they didn't then follow it up with 475 more miles. In a world of global warming and oil shortage, I know where we can cut back and save mother earth at the minor expense of destroying the South like none but Billy Tecumseh has before.
Ryan's Top Five
1. Top 5 McDonald's Ad Campaigns - Any list that had to include (or had to admit the existence of) the "I'm Lovin' It" campaign would probably negate the relevance of this website for perpetuity.
2. Top 5 John Stamos TV Shows - Anytime you have to say to yourself "Well I guess Full House would be #1," it's time to consider how much those guns at Wal-Mart cost. You only need one bullet.
3. Top 5 Ethnic Genocides - Similar to dictators. Not a lot of opportunities for laughs.
4. Top 5 Any Teams That ESPN Has Dubbed America's Teams, e.g. Notre Dame Football Moments, Red Sox-Yankees Moments, Patriots Moments, Etc. - These teams are generally fucking evil and should not be spoken of any more than the 9 hours of SportsCenter coverage forced down our throats daily.
5. Top 5 Nickelback Singles - This is an easy answer but the thought of it is still so vomit-inducing, I think it deserves mention on this list.
Dan's Top 5:
1. Top 5 Brutal Dictators - Hitler is #1, of course. That very sentence is the reason this Top 5 would suck, as Hitler is widely regarded as the most evil man in human history. Truly he and all other dictators are unworthy of Top 5 status.
2. Top 5 Lamar Odom Injuries - If you've played me in fantasy basketball, you know that I was plagued by the Lamar Odom curse. This guy has even been injured in a team shootaround. I would have put that as my #1, but a quick Google search shows that he JUST GOT INJURED AGAIN two days ago. This time he didn't even make it to the shootaround. He was driving to the shootaround when he got into a car accident and suffered a concussion.
3. Top 5 Steely Dan Singles - Really, Steely Dan has been on top of my hate list of music for quite some time. In fact, they're the reason I said I hated the 70's for so long. Then I later realized that so much good, non-Steely-Dan-sounding music was made in the 70's.
4. Top 5 Diseases - Malaria, Dysentery, Cancer... Very similar reasoning to Top 5 Creed members.
5. Top 5 Moments in Golf - Golf is a boring sport to watch. Every highlight in this top five is probably just going to be an insanely long putt.
Tim's Top 5:
1. Top 5 Jam Bands - Ratdog was described as "one of the top five jam bands of all time", putting them in company with Phish, Widespread Panic and The Grateful Dead (which itself spawned Ratdog). I can not only not name a fifth, nor can anyone who enjoys jam bands, because they're operating under such a minimal level of consciousness thanks to the pharmacopia that surrounds jam bands that they're not frequent list-makers.
2. Top 5 Terminal Cancers - It's one thing to say Terminal Diseases here...but let's be honest, leprosy is still funny, because you won't get it, no one you know will get it, it involves your fingers falling off, and if you somehow did get it, you really really earned it.
3. Top 5 Reasons to Join a Fraternity - #1-5 You're a douchebag and hope to meet other douchebags with an interest in douchebaggery and/or Dane Cook.
4. Top 5 Sofia Coppola movies - I have to say that, far and away, The Virgin Suicides is the best Sofia Coppola movie...and it is sheer horror from beginning to end. Even though she's not reached five films, just to include her in a sentence with words like "non-shitty", "competent", "workmanlike", "inoffensive", "harmless", and "notpureevil" is a strain upon the boundaries of the English lexicon.
5. Top 5 NASCAR Races - This is actually quite easy...whichever races go the fastest...the Pocono 25, for instance, would be an easy chart-topper, if they didn't then follow it up with 475 more miles. In a world of global warming and oil shortage, I know where we can cut back and save mother earth at the minor expense of destroying the South like none but Billy Tecumseh has before.
Ryan's Top Five
1. Top 5 McDonald's Ad Campaigns - Any list that had to include (or had to admit the existence of) the "I'm Lovin' It" campaign would probably negate the relevance of this website for perpetuity.
2. Top 5 John Stamos TV Shows - Anytime you have to say to yourself "Well I guess Full House would be #1," it's time to consider how much those guns at Wal-Mart cost. You only need one bullet.
3. Top 5 Ethnic Genocides - Similar to dictators. Not a lot of opportunities for laughs.
4. Top 5 Any Teams That ESPN Has Dubbed America's Teams, e.g. Notre Dame Football Moments, Red Sox-Yankees Moments, Patriots Moments, Etc. - These teams are generally fucking evil and should not be spoken of any more than the 9 hours of SportsCenter coverage forced down our throats daily.
5. Top 5 Nickelback Singles - This is an easy answer but the thought of it is still so vomit-inducing, I think it deserves mention on this list.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Top 5 Worst Talking Heads
You know, talking heads. Politicos. Pundits. The scum of the earth.
Ryan's Top Five
1. Ann Coulter - The ice queen. She deserves whatever sick circle of hell she lands in. It takes a lot of insane courage to accuse 9/11 widows of profiteering. And arguing we should invade the Middle East and impose Christianity? Brilliance.
2. Bill O'Reilly - There are times when he's so ludicrous, and seemingly on the verge of laughing, that you think that maybe, just maybe, this is all one big joke he's playing on all of us. But, no, I'm afraid he's not. Which really makes him even more evil, when you think about it. Thus, he narrowly beats out the rest of the pack for second place. Bonus Evil Points for penning "The O'Reilly Factor For Kids," which I'm assuming didn't have a chapter on incorporating loofahs into shower sex with coworkers who aren't interested.
3. Tucker Carlson - This was a tough call, between Tucker and Sean Hannity. Tucker Carlson is one of those jackasses you knew in college who loved to debate anything--anything on earth, ever--just so that they could sound intelligent in some vague alternate universe where the bow-tie'ed people lead the hip set. In many ways I hate him more than O'Reilly. But, you know. Tomato, toh-mah-toe.
4. Sean Hannity - He's probably ranked this low because I've never had the appropriately masochistic attention span to leave his show on for longer than five minutes. But, what I have seen, is, wow.
5. Glenn Beck - This guy loses the style points requisite for a higher ranking by the fact that he's just plain dumb. Dumber than the previous four. I'm being painfully honest when I say I've not heard him say one thing that makes any kind of remote sense.
Dishonorable mentions: Rush Limbaugh (I'm sure, worse than some of my five, but I never encounter him, so he lucks out), Michael Savage, Nancy Grace. Anyone on Fox News, which is in no way affiliated with Ryan Fox.
Tim's Top 5
I have eschewed television and terrestrial radio for quite some time now, so I really have little to no basis to respond to this question. Hence, I will do so now.
1. Ann Coulter - Definitely difficult since she's not really given her own mouthpiece, so you just have to wait for the four or five times a year she says something so annoying, so obnoxious, that you are intimately aware that at some level even she thinks she's a blowhard.
2. Rush Limbaugh - While Ryan might have successfully avoided Limbaugh, I can make no such claims. But he scores this high on the list for three primary reasons: 1) blatant hypocrisy, 2) attempting to ruin ESPN, and 3) self-definition. Obviously he and Glenn Beck are both guilty of #1, given that they both have serious issues with drug abuse while condemning anyone more pigmented for dealing drugs that aren't oxycontin. #2 is obvious, I can't believe I left it off my list before on the curses of ESPN, but the fact that football after Sunday at 7 p.m. is meant for gamblers and obsessives who have no jobs really limited my encounters on that token. But, like the Republican Party (GOP, my ass) and Fox News (where we can copyright "fair and balanced"), I loathe Rush Limbaugh for his attempt to define himself into greatness through the "EIB Network". EIB = excellence in broadcasting. BULLSHIT (no acronym necessary).
3. Dr. James Dobson - He doesn't have a TV show, but he's just as bad. He scores extra bonus points for referring to my work on a personal level. Thanks, Dr. Dobson...that really made my day when I was stuck driving through rural eastern Pennsylvania and was desperate to find any radio station...and managed to hear you talking about it. Seriously, well done. Focus on being less retarded -- then start thinking about starting a family. Just a thought.
4. Sean Hannity - I've tried, over and over, to listen to this guy and see if I can do so without becoming furious. I can't. He is the master of the specious argument and rarely dabbles in anything else. My favorite case in point was in 2004 when a teenager called in to praise John Kerry, leaving Hannity to respond that John Kerry flies to his campaign appearances in a private jet that he bought...but President Bush does not own a private jet...clearly Bush cares more about the environment because he wouldn't use a private jet for those purposes. Seriously. This was an argument he made. Anyone who couldn't recall the name of the Harrison Ford action film that rendered this argument utterly pathetic...well, they ought not have the right to vote. But hey, if Kerry cared about the environment, he'd have already been elected in 2000 so he too could fly on Air Force One...not on a private jet.
5. Bill O'Reilly - I can let Keith Olbermann fight this battle for me, he does a better job than I would. O'Reilly still pretends to be a political independent, which is such a fraud that it really inspires some serious hatred on my part. O'Reilly is evil and resolves arguments by just talking over people, but without him, The Colbert Report would never have come into existence, which really puts him on the list of great American heroes. Apparently we had to destroy the village to save it.
Also in the running: Michael Savage for claiming to be non-partisan. Glenn Beck, Randi Rhoades, and Janeane Garofalo. Beck is a jackass, Rhoades and Garofalo emphasize just why Air America is such a bad idea -- because pundits who are always in one camp are bad, regardless of whether I agree with them 80% of the time or 10% of the time. Oh, and dating Ben Stiller doesn't imbue one with a sense of political brilliance.
Dan's Top 5:
1. Bill O'Reilly - Fuck this douchebag.
2. Ann Coulter - Fuck this douchebag.
3. Rush Limbaugh - Fuck this douchebag.
4. Sean Hannity - Fuck this douchebag.
5. Michael Savage - Fuck this douchebag.
Ryan's Top Five
1. Ann Coulter - The ice queen. She deserves whatever sick circle of hell she lands in. It takes a lot of insane courage to accuse 9/11 widows of profiteering. And arguing we should invade the Middle East and impose Christianity? Brilliance.
2. Bill O'Reilly - There are times when he's so ludicrous, and seemingly on the verge of laughing, that you think that maybe, just maybe, this is all one big joke he's playing on all of us. But, no, I'm afraid he's not. Which really makes him even more evil, when you think about it. Thus, he narrowly beats out the rest of the pack for second place. Bonus Evil Points for penning "The O'Reilly Factor For Kids," which I'm assuming didn't have a chapter on incorporating loofahs into shower sex with coworkers who aren't interested.
3. Tucker Carlson - This was a tough call, between Tucker and Sean Hannity. Tucker Carlson is one of those jackasses you knew in college who loved to debate anything--anything on earth, ever--just so that they could sound intelligent in some vague alternate universe where the bow-tie'ed people lead the hip set. In many ways I hate him more than O'Reilly. But, you know. Tomato, toh-mah-toe.
4. Sean Hannity - He's probably ranked this low because I've never had the appropriately masochistic attention span to leave his show on for longer than five minutes. But, what I have seen, is, wow.
5. Glenn Beck - This guy loses the style points requisite for a higher ranking by the fact that he's just plain dumb. Dumber than the previous four. I'm being painfully honest when I say I've not heard him say one thing that makes any kind of remote sense.
Dishonorable mentions: Rush Limbaugh (I'm sure, worse than some of my five, but I never encounter him, so he lucks out), Michael Savage, Nancy Grace. Anyone on Fox News, which is in no way affiliated with Ryan Fox.
Tim's Top 5
I have eschewed television and terrestrial radio for quite some time now, so I really have little to no basis to respond to this question. Hence, I will do so now.
1. Ann Coulter - Definitely difficult since she's not really given her own mouthpiece, so you just have to wait for the four or five times a year she says something so annoying, so obnoxious, that you are intimately aware that at some level even she thinks she's a blowhard.
2. Rush Limbaugh - While Ryan might have successfully avoided Limbaugh, I can make no such claims. But he scores this high on the list for three primary reasons: 1) blatant hypocrisy, 2) attempting to ruin ESPN, and 3) self-definition. Obviously he and Glenn Beck are both guilty of #1, given that they both have serious issues with drug abuse while condemning anyone more pigmented for dealing drugs that aren't oxycontin. #2 is obvious, I can't believe I left it off my list before on the curses of ESPN, but the fact that football after Sunday at 7 p.m. is meant for gamblers and obsessives who have no jobs really limited my encounters on that token. But, like the Republican Party (GOP, my ass) and Fox News (where we can copyright "fair and balanced"), I loathe Rush Limbaugh for his attempt to define himself into greatness through the "EIB Network". EIB = excellence in broadcasting. BULLSHIT (no acronym necessary).
3. Dr. James Dobson - He doesn't have a TV show, but he's just as bad. He scores extra bonus points for referring to my work on a personal level. Thanks, Dr. Dobson...that really made my day when I was stuck driving through rural eastern Pennsylvania and was desperate to find any radio station...and managed to hear you talking about it. Seriously, well done. Focus on being less retarded -- then start thinking about starting a family. Just a thought.
4. Sean Hannity - I've tried, over and over, to listen to this guy and see if I can do so without becoming furious. I can't. He is the master of the specious argument and rarely dabbles in anything else. My favorite case in point was in 2004 when a teenager called in to praise John Kerry, leaving Hannity to respond that John Kerry flies to his campaign appearances in a private jet that he bought...but President Bush does not own a private jet...clearly Bush cares more about the environment because he wouldn't use a private jet for those purposes. Seriously. This was an argument he made. Anyone who couldn't recall the name of the Harrison Ford action film that rendered this argument utterly pathetic...well, they ought not have the right to vote. But hey, if Kerry cared about the environment, he'd have already been elected in 2000 so he too could fly on Air Force One...not on a private jet.
5. Bill O'Reilly - I can let Keith Olbermann fight this battle for me, he does a better job than I would. O'Reilly still pretends to be a political independent, which is such a fraud that it really inspires some serious hatred on my part. O'Reilly is evil and resolves arguments by just talking over people, but without him, The Colbert Report would never have come into existence, which really puts him on the list of great American heroes. Apparently we had to destroy the village to save it.
Also in the running: Michael Savage for claiming to be non-partisan. Glenn Beck, Randi Rhoades, and Janeane Garofalo. Beck is a jackass, Rhoades and Garofalo emphasize just why Air America is such a bad idea -- because pundits who are always in one camp are bad, regardless of whether I agree with them 80% of the time or 10% of the time. Oh, and dating Ben Stiller doesn't imbue one with a sense of political brilliance.
Dan's Top 5:
1. Bill O'Reilly - Fuck this douchebag.
2. Ann Coulter - Fuck this douchebag.
3. Rush Limbaugh - Fuck this douchebag.
4. Sean Hannity - Fuck this douchebag.
5. Michael Savage - Fuck this douchebag.
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