This was an idea I had a while back. At first I thought this would be too difficult to do--how do you rate these jokes against those jokes? It's impossible to be objective. Then I thought: when the hell has that ever stopped me before?
Ryan's Top 5:
1. "Bret, You Got It Going On" - Episode 6 of FOTC is to episode 4 of The Office (UK) as this song is to "Free Love Freeway." (That analogy vaguely makes sense, try not to think about it too much.) Anyway, I know every word of this song and must complete the entire thing whenever I think of any line. It wouldn't be much fun to talk about it, so just watch. I just laid there and spooned you...
2. "I'm Not Crying" - It's just been raining... on my face. Again, just watch it.
3. "Pencils in the Wind (Sellotape)" - "Another way that love is similar to tape... that I've noticed..." "And people are like paper dolls / Paper dolls and people, they're a similar shape." Every other line is good, too.
4. "If You're Into It" - The best love song ever written? You decide.
5. "Think About It" - A smorgasbord of hilarity. I think my favorite line is: "What's wrong with the world today? Nah-say-nah-say-neigh-neigh-neigh..." But, again, everything else is great.
Honorable mentions: Every other song, Business Time, Inner City Pressure, Leggy Blonde, Mutha'uckas, Robots, Albi the Racist Dragon, The Most Beautiful Girl in the Room, etc.
Tim's Top 5:
Well, it was bound to happen someday. Dan and I must have been editing at the same time, so it's a good thing I typed it elsewhere.
This list would have forced me to just re-watch every episode of the show, but I lent my copy to a friend to do my part proselytize Flight of the Conchords. So we'll have to make do with the two CDs, Ryan's list, and my memory to get us through.
1. "If You're Into It" - Sure, part of it makes me think of another HBO classic track "Double Team" from Tenacious D, but Jemaine's deep-as-Barry-White voice makes this an unmatchable classic for me.
2. "The Most Beautiful Girl (in the room)" - You could be a waitress, an air hostess from the '60s, or a part-time model (but you'd have to keep your normal job). And depending on the street, you're probably in the top 3. Nothing says romance like hedging to achieve honesty.
3. "Robots" - Two words -- Binary solo. That's not the only thing I love about this song, but I love it so much I couldn't possibly move this song down any more. "We no longer say yes, instead, we say affirmative." Like most of the songs, there's a couple different versions, so choose for yourself the TV version or the full version. Well, there's no more elephants.
4. "Think About It" - This song asks the timeless question "Why are we still paying so much for sneakers when they're made by little slave kids? What are your overheads?" It really makes the existence of the Black-Eyed Peas song "Where is the love" worthwhile.
5. "Bret, You Got It Going On" - Read Ryan's post, I'm too lazy to add more.
Honorable mention: "Not Crying", "Inner City Pressure", "Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros", "Pencils in the Wind (Sellotape)"
Dan's Top 5:
More importantly, Ryan, since when have we ever tried to be objective?
1. "Sellotape (Pencils in the Wind)" - A song not only about love, but also racial tolerance. Clearly the best part of this song is the end chorus. "Brown paper, white paper, stickin' together with the tape, the tape of love."
2. "Inner City Pressure" - A classic song about the hardships of trying to make it in the city. "You know you're not in high finance, considering secondhand underpants." (Youtube link)
3. "Business Time" - The sexiest song ever about boring, mundane sex. "You know when I'm down to my socks, it's time for business; that's why they call them business socks, ooh!" (Youtube link)
4. "Bowie" - I'm still amazed at how well they're able to impersonate Bowie in this song. Of course, the lyrics aren't nearly as funny as other songs. "Bet you do, you freaky old bastard, you." (Youtube link)
5. "Goodbye Leggy Blonde" - Murray's shining moment about lost potential for love. "I'll never get to tear your clothes off on the photocopier." (Youtube link)
Tory's List
I am going to do a top five. And maybe another. And maybe... another.
1. Bret, You've Got It Goin' On - Hilarious. The funniest song I've ever heard by a non-Tenacious D entity.
2. I'm Not Crying - This song makes the list almost solely for it's intro: "If you wanted to break my heart / you're plan was flawed from the start / it's liquid / it melted when I saw you." P.S. That is half quote - half paraphrasing.
3. Jenny - This one is a bit of a technicality since it's not in the show. I did double check the title of the post and doesn't say anything about songs from the show, so I am putting this unbelievable song (which can be heard on their One Night Stand HBO show - they open with it.) It's hard to quote a song that is seven minutes long, but it's about a girl named Jenny who sees someone she met once, but he doesn't remember her quite as well. "'We talked about how the lights from the buildings and cars / seemed like reflections of the stars / that shined out so pretty and brght / that night' / ... / 'It was daytime.' / ... / 'The daytime... of the night.'"
4. Prince of Parties - This selection was a mixture of both I like the song and wanting to be different. Granted, the lyrics are not what solely takes the cake. The entire concept behind this song from it's context in the show to it's video are what make me love it so much.
5. She-Wolf - Cold-hearted bitch, diggin a ditch
Showing posts with label television. Show all posts
Showing posts with label television. Show all posts
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
Top 5 Television Theme Songs - Lyrics Edition
And now for the logical follow-up to the last post.
Dan's Top 5:
1. The Greatest American Hero - "Believe It or Not" by Joey Scarbury - This is the pinnacle example of a television show's theme song being WAY too good for the show it represents. I'm not sure how successful the show was, but this song was a hit, reaching #2 on the charts. Can you even grasp this? It was one away from the top song in the entire country according to The Billboard Hot 100. And let's not forget "The Suzie," the episode of Seinfeld containing one of the best moments of the series, when we hear the #1 answering machine message of all time, "Believe it or not, George isn't at home."
2. Perfect Strangers - "Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now" by David Pomeranz - This is another instance of the song being much better than the show, but in this case, the show was really enjoyable. (To be fair, I can't judge Greatest American Hero having never seen an episode.) It takes a lot of talent for me to overlook the fact that one is a Scientologist (You shook your Etch-a-Sketch with War of the Worlds, Tom.) but Pomeranz apparently has the talent. He also did the theme to Zoobilee Zoo, and both infected my head when I was four years old. "Standin' Taaaaaaaaaaaaaall!"
3. Cheers - "Where Everybody Knows Your Name" by Gary Portnoy - This was the third attempt at writing a theme by Portnoy and Judy Angelo. The repeated rejection led them to start writing a sad tune over just two notes - B flat and F - and what followed was the beginning of one of the greatest themes ever. Who wants a beer?
4. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air - "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" by Will Smith - I'll confess that I didn't watch this show religiously when it was on while we were growing up. But I still know a significant percentage of the theme's lyrics and recognized it was ridiculously catchy. Yo, home smell you later!
5. Gilligan's Island - "The Ballad Of Gilligan's Isle" - written by Sherwood Schwartz and George Wyle, performed by The Wellingtons - Probably the song that makes me wary of any sort of short nautical expedition that is scheduled to last for three hours, lest I get marooned. And for the record, I prefer the version that name-checks The Professor and Mary-Ann. It really isn't that hard to sing them in, is it?
Honorable mention: The Jeffersons - "Movin' On Up," Green Acres - "Green Acres"
Ryan's Top 5:
Again, if you want the names of the composers/writers, I highly recommend www.wikipedia.com.
1. "Cheers" - "Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience" is firmly etched into my brain, as is every word to this song.
2. "Pete & Pete" - This is an excellent mid-90s alternative pop song that happens to be the tune for one of the greatest shows Nickelodeon's ever had a hand in. Man, whatever happened to Polaris? At least you can get this show on DVD, though, which is more than I can say for...
3. "Doug" - I mean, the only real lyrics are "doo doo doo doo," etc. But still, this song is from a time when cartoons were still good, funny, relevant to kids' lives, well-written, etc. And not about, for example, talking nautical sponges.
4. "Arthur and Friends" - I'd include this show on a guilty pleasure list--if I in any way felt guilty for liking it. I don't. And the theme song is performed by Ziggy Marley; reggae for kids is really, really underrated.
5. "David the Gnome" - We're doing top 5 kids' show theme songs including Cheers, right? Anyway, I really miss the French-Canadian animation of the 1980's, and all the musical genius it inspired.
Honorable mention: Frasier, Extras, Salute Your Shorts, Family Guy, Bill Nye the Science Guy, Reading Rainbow.
Tim's Top 5:
Again, my distaste for this category was fleeting.
1. The Monkees – Hey, hey, we’re the Monkees! Ok, they’re not good as a band, since they can’t play instruments. But they are remarkably good at times as a pop band, and the theme song is a typically inane but enjoyable theme.
2. Cheers – This is the prototype for a TV theme, because it actually makes you wish you were watching the show. Just two notes in and I wanted to pull out season 2 and start watching it, since I bought it too late into my summer associate year and no longer had a need to spend all my time in my apartment watching DVDs, because NCAA Football had come out.
3. The Wonder Years – Odd, this link goes to Joe Cocker performing “With a Little Help From My Friends”, not the Wonder Years theme! Yeah, I know, it’s a bit of a cop out, but it’s really Joe Cocker’s only good work that I’m aware of. The video has some huge dubbing issues, but it’s really better not to see him anyway.
4. Batman – Ok, admittedly, the only words to the song are “Batman”, but it has lyrics. It’s a song that is inseparable from the campy show from whence it came, but is still really appealing to me for some bizarre reason.
5. Underdog - While there are any number of cartoon songs that could make the claim to this (as evidenced by my unembarrassed ownership of the compilation album Saturday Morning – from which this version is taken, I’m partial to the theme of Underdog. Speed of lightning, roar of thunder, fighting all who rob or plunder, Underdog... Underdog!
Honorable mention: Darkwing Duck - Give me a break, I loved this show., Happy Days - I'm in disbelief this didn't make my top 5, The Greatest American Hero – quintessential Christopher Cross-y ‘80s theme that still makes me long for the days of not doing a damn thing; Reading Rainbow; Zoobilee Zoo (just watching three seconds of Ben Vereen made me nearly swallow my tongue, I shan't share).
Dan's Top 5:
1. The Greatest American Hero - "Believe It or Not" by Joey Scarbury - This is the pinnacle example of a television show's theme song being WAY too good for the show it represents. I'm not sure how successful the show was, but this song was a hit, reaching #2 on the charts. Can you even grasp this? It was one away from the top song in the entire country according to The Billboard Hot 100. And let's not forget "The Suzie," the episode of Seinfeld containing one of the best moments of the series, when we hear the #1 answering machine message of all time, "Believe it or not, George isn't at home."
2. Perfect Strangers - "Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now" by David Pomeranz - This is another instance of the song being much better than the show, but in this case, the show was really enjoyable. (To be fair, I can't judge Greatest American Hero having never seen an episode.) It takes a lot of talent for me to overlook the fact that one is a Scientologist (You shook your Etch-a-Sketch with War of the Worlds, Tom.) but Pomeranz apparently has the talent. He also did the theme to Zoobilee Zoo, and both infected my head when I was four years old. "Standin' Taaaaaaaaaaaaaall!"
3. Cheers - "Where Everybody Knows Your Name" by Gary Portnoy - This was the third attempt at writing a theme by Portnoy and Judy Angelo. The repeated rejection led them to start writing a sad tune over just two notes - B flat and F - and what followed was the beginning of one of the greatest themes ever. Who wants a beer?
4. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air - "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" by Will Smith - I'll confess that I didn't watch this show religiously when it was on while we were growing up. But I still know a significant percentage of the theme's lyrics and recognized it was ridiculously catchy. Yo, home smell you later!
5. Gilligan's Island - "The Ballad Of Gilligan's Isle" - written by Sherwood Schwartz and George Wyle, performed by The Wellingtons - Probably the song that makes me wary of any sort of short nautical expedition that is scheduled to last for three hours, lest I get marooned. And for the record, I prefer the version that name-checks The Professor and Mary-Ann. It really isn't that hard to sing them in, is it?
Honorable mention: The Jeffersons - "Movin' On Up," Green Acres - "Green Acres"
Ryan's Top 5:
Again, if you want the names of the composers/writers, I highly recommend www.wikipedia.com.
1. "Cheers" - "Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience" is firmly etched into my brain, as is every word to this song.
2. "Pete & Pete" - This is an excellent mid-90s alternative pop song that happens to be the tune for one of the greatest shows Nickelodeon's ever had a hand in. Man, whatever happened to Polaris? At least you can get this show on DVD, though, which is more than I can say for...
3. "Doug" - I mean, the only real lyrics are "doo doo doo doo," etc. But still, this song is from a time when cartoons were still good, funny, relevant to kids' lives, well-written, etc. And not about, for example, talking nautical sponges.
4. "Arthur and Friends" - I'd include this show on a guilty pleasure list--if I in any way felt guilty for liking it. I don't. And the theme song is performed by Ziggy Marley; reggae for kids is really, really underrated.
5. "David the Gnome" - We're doing top 5 kids' show theme songs including Cheers, right? Anyway, I really miss the French-Canadian animation of the 1980's, and all the musical genius it inspired.
Honorable mention: Frasier, Extras, Salute Your Shorts, Family Guy, Bill Nye the Science Guy, Reading Rainbow.
Tim's Top 5:
Again, my distaste for this category was fleeting.
1. The Monkees – Hey, hey, we’re the Monkees! Ok, they’re not good as a band, since they can’t play instruments. But they are remarkably good at times as a pop band, and the theme song is a typically inane but enjoyable theme.
2. Cheers – This is the prototype for a TV theme, because it actually makes you wish you were watching the show. Just two notes in and I wanted to pull out season 2 and start watching it, since I bought it too late into my summer associate year and no longer had a need to spend all my time in my apartment watching DVDs, because NCAA Football had come out.
3. The Wonder Years – Odd, this link goes to Joe Cocker performing “With a Little Help From My Friends”, not the Wonder Years theme! Yeah, I know, it’s a bit of a cop out, but it’s really Joe Cocker’s only good work that I’m aware of. The video has some huge dubbing issues, but it’s really better not to see him anyway.
4. Batman – Ok, admittedly, the only words to the song are “Batman”, but it has lyrics. It’s a song that is inseparable from the campy show from whence it came, but is still really appealing to me for some bizarre reason.
5. Underdog - While there are any number of cartoon songs that could make the claim to this (as evidenced by my unembarrassed ownership of the compilation album Saturday Morning – from which this version is taken, I’m partial to the theme of Underdog. Speed of lightning, roar of thunder, fighting all who rob or plunder, Underdog... Underdog!
Honorable mention: Darkwing Duck - Give me a break, I loved this show., Happy Days - I'm in disbelief this didn't make my top 5, The Greatest American Hero – quintessential Christopher Cross-y ‘80s theme that still makes me long for the days of not doing a damn thing; Reading Rainbow; Zoobilee Zoo (just watching three seconds of Ben Vereen made me nearly swallow my tongue, I shan't share).
Friday, June 27, 2008
Top 5 Television Theme Songs - Instrumental Edition
I decided to split this list up because a) there's too many good theme songs out there, and b) you can't really compare those themes with lyrics to those without. And for the record, any spoken narration does not qualify as lyrical content.
Dan's Top 5:
1. The A-Team - Theme by Mike Post - Probably the most formulaic show in history, but so much of its popularity is (in my mind) due to the awesome theme song, created by none other than the master of television theme songs, Mike Post. Listen to that theme, and you get pumped up. Right now as I'm thinking about it, I'm ready to punch someone, or shoot at them and miss them entirely, or adamantly express my disdain for traveling in airplanes.
2. The Critic - Theme by Hans Zimmer - Let me guess, this show is set in New York City. It's a dead giveaway once you hear jazz clarinet. But here's the thing - I love jazz clarinet and the theme is awesome. I could imagine having this song playing as I walk into work every day, and as I sit down at my computer, the song ends just like when Jay Sherman's going to bed. Can Zimmer do any wrong? If he has, I don't know about it.
3. Miami Vice - Theme by Jan Hammer - Remember how the 80's sucked? Oh yeah, that's right - they didn't. Say what you will about the series itself (I like it, but a lot of that is camp value. I have no problem with you hating the show.) But Hammer's theme was the new definition of cool. Just listen to it again, and you're just filled with the imagery of primitive synthesizers, neon pastels, and plastic that would come to define the decade.
4. The Simpsons - Theme by Danny Elfman - Do I really need to say anything here? The theme is deliberately wacky, and if there's anyone who can produce that sort of music, it's Danny Elfman . He's probably best known for his superhero themes nowadays, but really, his talent encompasses a wide range. Probably my favorite film (and television) composer.
5. The Venture Bros. - Theme by J. G. Thirlwell - New classic status at #5, as is standard practice. I don't even know if anyone else reading this blog has ever watched Cartoon Network's Adult Swim programming. Honestly, I wouldn't be offended if you didn't, because a lot of the programming is god-awful. However, one of the few really good shows is The Venture Bros., which, in essence is a mockery of 70's cartoons such as Jonny Quest. The adventurous theme fits perfectly, with a few electronic subtleties thrown in. The horns can be a bit harsh at times, though.
Honorable mention: Hawaii Five-O - Theme by Morton Stevens, Mission: Impossible - Theme by Lalo Schifrin, Sanford and Son - Theme by Quincy Jones
Ryan's Top 5:
I don't have the courage to look up on my laptop who wrote/composed the following songs.
1. The Simpsons - I like going with different answers on the whole, but screw that--this best instrumental theme song ever produced also belongs to the best TV show ever made. Try imagining the show without this song--it can't be done.
2. M*A*S*H - Such a good theme song. This would be my dad's #1, hands down. He'd actually be pissed that I almost forgot this one. It's a good thing only three people read this.
3. Knight Rider - Gets major cred as this is one one the few TV theme songs that I choose to listen to on my iPod (both Offices, um, ... that might be it). Such a cool-sounding tune.
4. Twin Peaks - Yes, I initially forgot this one, which was one of my favorite songs for a long time. A beautiful song.
5. Sportscenter - This tune has come to epitomize Sports. Can you name any other example of a theme song that encapsulates its entire genre? (No sitcom's theme epitomizes Comedy, for example.)
Honorable: Hawaii Five-0 (I haven't seen an episode...), The Office US, I Love Lucy, Seinfeld, The Office UK, Northern Exposure, The X-Files.
**Thanks to Cortney, who pointed out my numerous inadequacies regarding this list.**
Tim’s Top 5:
Ok, I was really unhappy to see these lists on the site, as an avid non-watcher of television that’s not sports, I’m not privileged to have much of a source on this. Then I realized that it didn’t matter, because the songs of value are old anyway, and because my #1 and #2 were so obvious and yet unmentioned that I had a real opportunity to go in a different direction here.
1. The Green Hornet - There is simply no contest, the theme song is one of the best things about the show, which was amazing despite its razor-thin plot. And it’s the best Rimsky-Korsakov on the market. Good luck finding an orchestra to take this angle on it. Man, I wish this show would come out on authentic DVD instead of the terrible Chinese imports slapped together to sate people’s desire for Bruce Lee on TV. If I ever have a child who wants to join the marching band, he or she will be forced to practice on their trumpet until they sound like this.
2. Alfred Hitchcock Presents - More because it’s really suitable for the show, I can’t refrain from putting this on the list. It came to personify Hitchcock as much as the drawing, neither of which spoke very highly of him, but it elevated him to a cultural persona that was not shared by any of his peers as directors (as if he had any).
3. Law and Order - I am the only person who’s graduated from law school that’s never watched the show. But it doesn’t keep me from appreciating that its theme is appropriate and has been for the nearly two decades that it and its variants have been on the air. Composing so timeless is astounding enough in its own right.
4. Hawaii Five-O - I also have never seen the show, but I know the Hawaii Five-O theme as well as I know Jack Lord’s hair. It’d odd not to have the theme play whenever you see Jack Lord in Dr. No, frankly.
5. Mission: Impossible - Ok, this is a link to the modernized version that’s associated with the movie, but I’m too lazy to post another link. The point is that it’s a good song that you immediately connect with the show, whether or not you’ve seen it. True of all five of these songs.
Honorable mention: Hill Street Blues; The A-Team really has the voice-over lead in, so I can’t really include it in the list because I think it’s a part of it. But I do enjoy 1980s jingoism, and this absolutely reeks of it; M*A*S*H (penalized because I love the song with lyrics so much more in the movie), The Simpsons.
Dan's Top 5:
1. The A-Team - Theme by Mike Post - Probably the most formulaic show in history, but so much of its popularity is (in my mind) due to the awesome theme song, created by none other than the master of television theme songs, Mike Post. Listen to that theme, and you get pumped up. Right now as I'm thinking about it, I'm ready to punch someone, or shoot at them and miss them entirely, or adamantly express my disdain for traveling in airplanes.
2. The Critic - Theme by Hans Zimmer - Let me guess, this show is set in New York City. It's a dead giveaway once you hear jazz clarinet. But here's the thing - I love jazz clarinet and the theme is awesome. I could imagine having this song playing as I walk into work every day, and as I sit down at my computer, the song ends just like when Jay Sherman's going to bed. Can Zimmer do any wrong? If he has, I don't know about it.
3. Miami Vice - Theme by Jan Hammer - Remember how the 80's sucked? Oh yeah, that's right - they didn't. Say what you will about the series itself (I like it, but a lot of that is camp value. I have no problem with you hating the show.) But Hammer's theme was the new definition of cool. Just listen to it again, and you're just filled with the imagery of primitive synthesizers, neon pastels, and plastic that would come to define the decade.
4. The Simpsons - Theme by Danny Elfman - Do I really need to say anything here? The theme is deliberately wacky, and if there's anyone who can produce that sort of music, it's Danny Elfman . He's probably best known for his superhero themes nowadays, but really, his talent encompasses a wide range. Probably my favorite film (and television) composer.
5. The Venture Bros. - Theme by J. G. Thirlwell - New classic status at #5, as is standard practice. I don't even know if anyone else reading this blog has ever watched Cartoon Network's Adult Swim programming. Honestly, I wouldn't be offended if you didn't, because a lot of the programming is god-awful. However, one of the few really good shows is The Venture Bros., which, in essence is a mockery of 70's cartoons such as Jonny Quest. The adventurous theme fits perfectly, with a few electronic subtleties thrown in. The horns can be a bit harsh at times, though.
Honorable mention: Hawaii Five-O - Theme by Morton Stevens, Mission: Impossible - Theme by Lalo Schifrin, Sanford and Son - Theme by Quincy Jones
Ryan's Top 5:
I don't have the courage to look up on my laptop who wrote/composed the following songs.
1. The Simpsons - I like going with different answers on the whole, but screw that--this best instrumental theme song ever produced also belongs to the best TV show ever made. Try imagining the show without this song--it can't be done.
2. M*A*S*H - Such a good theme song. This would be my dad's #1, hands down. He'd actually be pissed that I almost forgot this one. It's a good thing only three people read this.
3. Knight Rider - Gets major cred as this is one one the few TV theme songs that I choose to listen to on my iPod (both Offices, um, ... that might be it). Such a cool-sounding tune.
4. Twin Peaks - Yes, I initially forgot this one, which was one of my favorite songs for a long time. A beautiful song.
5. Sportscenter - This tune has come to epitomize Sports. Can you name any other example of a theme song that encapsulates its entire genre? (No sitcom's theme epitomizes Comedy, for example.)
Honorable: Hawaii Five-0 (I haven't seen an episode...), The Office US, I Love Lucy, Seinfeld, The Office UK, Northern Exposure, The X-Files.
**Thanks to Cortney, who pointed out my numerous inadequacies regarding this list.**
Tim’s Top 5:
Ok, I was really unhappy to see these lists on the site, as an avid non-watcher of television that’s not sports, I’m not privileged to have much of a source on this. Then I realized that it didn’t matter, because the songs of value are old anyway, and because my #1 and #2 were so obvious and yet unmentioned that I had a real opportunity to go in a different direction here.
1. The Green Hornet - There is simply no contest, the theme song is one of the best things about the show, which was amazing despite its razor-thin plot. And it’s the best Rimsky-Korsakov on the market. Good luck finding an orchestra to take this angle on it. Man, I wish this show would come out on authentic DVD instead of the terrible Chinese imports slapped together to sate people’s desire for Bruce Lee on TV. If I ever have a child who wants to join the marching band, he or she will be forced to practice on their trumpet until they sound like this.
2. Alfred Hitchcock Presents - More because it’s really suitable for the show, I can’t refrain from putting this on the list. It came to personify Hitchcock as much as the drawing, neither of which spoke very highly of him, but it elevated him to a cultural persona that was not shared by any of his peers as directors (as if he had any).
3. Law and Order - I am the only person who’s graduated from law school that’s never watched the show. But it doesn’t keep me from appreciating that its theme is appropriate and has been for the nearly two decades that it and its variants have been on the air. Composing so timeless is astounding enough in its own right.
4. Hawaii Five-O - I also have never seen the show, but I know the Hawaii Five-O theme as well as I know Jack Lord’s hair. It’d odd not to have the theme play whenever you see Jack Lord in Dr. No, frankly.
5. Mission: Impossible - Ok, this is a link to the modernized version that’s associated with the movie, but I’m too lazy to post another link. The point is that it’s a good song that you immediately connect with the show, whether or not you’ve seen it. True of all five of these songs.
Honorable mention: Hill Street Blues; The A-Team really has the voice-over lead in, so I can’t really include it in the list because I think it’s a part of it. But I do enjoy 1980s jingoism, and this absolutely reeks of it; M*A*S*H (penalized because I love the song with lyrics so much more in the movie), The Simpsons.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Top 5 80's Sitcoms
This is my way of taking a break from music-based lists in a creative way. Either that or this is my way of punishing the rest of you by not keeping up the recent streak we've had. (80's non-musical entertainment = punishment)
Dan's Top 5:
1. Perfect Strangers - When you're growing up, there are certain television programs that are introduced to you during your formative years that you will always remember. I was a big fan of Sesame Street, Zoobilee Zoo, and Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, for example. Then there's your first experiences with programming that's not necessarily intended for children. For me, this was that show. Now able to revisit the series on DVD, I realize that while this is your basic sitcom, the humor is perfectly executed. The same recycled sitcom humor is perfectly supplemented with a degree of slapstick comedy that you don't normally see in sitcoms (Just take one look at the "Dance of Joy" and you should see what I mean). Also has one of the best theme songs ever.
2. Cheers - If we're going with sheer quality and lasting impact, this might make my #1, but it doesn't have the personal connection, since I only watched it during reruns. With great characters, funny writing, and the affirmation that it's not only not necessarily sad, but also perfectly acceptable to spend a hearty chunk of your life in the same drinking establishment to the point that Everybody Knows Your Name, there's absolutely nothing wrong with this show. Hey wait, have we done Top 5 TV Show Theme Songs yet?
3. The Cosby Show - There's really nothing to say about The Cosby Show, is there? If I have to explain anything, then it means that you haven't watched 100+ episodes by now, thus meaning that you've probably been cut off from the rest of humanity since 1984. Man, you could learn so much about good taste from this site.
4. ALF - You can tell that I was a kid during the 80's. All that I can really remember was that this show was amazing because its main character, an alien life form from Melmac, was a puppet. I was at an age when I couldn't even commit his obsession with eating the cat to memory. But really, isn't the puppet sufficient? Just look at any other sitcom from the era, and I think you'll agree.
5. Family Ties - I've always had appreciation for the talent of Michael J. Fox, and about 105% of that comes from my love of the Back to the Future films. The rest comes from this show. I've put it so low because the entire premise of the show is that Alex Keaton is a Republican. Even in the 80's, that loses you significant points.
Ryan's Top 5:
1. Cheers - The quintessential sitcom. The best of the 1980's and one of the best of all-time. Bonus points for its spin-off series also being one of the best of all-time. I refer of course to "Made in America" with John Ratzenberger.
2. The Cosby Show - I watched this as a kid in the 1980's, but I re-watched the entire series as a teenager in the late 1990's--late night, two episodes per night. It got kind of kooky toward the end, but not nearly as kooky as other shows that more thoroughly jump the shark.
3. The Wonder Years - I didn't immediately think of this as a sitcom, but I think that's mainly because this show isn't filmed in front of a live studio audience. It also went from 1987-1992, but I'm counting it as an 80's show, bolstered by the fact that I left it off the previous 1990's list for the same reasoning. Anyway, this show was pivotal, introducing Winnie Cooper as the paradigm for childhood girlfriends.
4. Night Court - Speaking of greatest TV theme songs...
5. Newhart - I watched this when I was a kid on Nick-at-Nite. Highlights include the following quote, which is still fun to say: "Hi, I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl, this is my other brother Darryl"; and the fact that they wrote off the entire series in the finale. Brilliant.
Tim's Top 5:
I can't bring myself to call The Wonder Years a sitcom, so my list is limited. All my shows also fall in the latter half of the '80s for the simple reason that I was too busy being barely sentient until about 1986, when I discovered baseball cards.
1. The Cosby Show - This was the show my life was centered on during the key pre-Simpsons formative years. Sure, it hit rough patches (the seasons with the funky opening credits, the introduction of Rudy), but it was a consistently funny TV comedy that also somehow managed to avoid the pathetic racial stereotyping and demographic comedy that has become the norm (thanks, George Lopez, D.L. Hughley, Damon Wayons, and every other ABC sitcom star). This was an African-American family that achieved actual success, had educated kids and parents, and they occasionally got in car accidents with Stevie Wonder. If only we could all live like the Huxtibles.
2. Cheers - This is the only show I feel any need to watch now, having bought the first two seasons on DVD, but I'd be lying if I said it was the one that got me through the 1980s. The show dealt with character change better than perhaps any other, replacing Shelley Long with Kirstie Alley, replacing Coach with Woody Harrelson, and had a good run. It's consistently funny, it's aged better than any of the other 1980s shows, and its only downside is the continued career of Ted Danson. For shame, Ted Danson.
3. Mr. Belvedere - Ah, Bob Uecker, have you ever made a mistake that didn't involve being in the Major League movies after the first one? (Note that I decline to call them Major League II and III, because the third one isn't called Major League III...hence my moral superiority at declining to call it by that name) The premise of the show is simple enough, but it involved things I enjoy -- sports and British people. Brice Beckham was one of the better child stars of the 1980s and Christopher Hewett oozed contempt for modern America.
4. Married...with Children - It began in the 1980s, I started watching it in 1989 and it took me a while to appreciate how truly different this show was. There simply wasn't (and really, still isn't) a show that's this casually offensive on network television. Growing Pains had a character named Boner, but it was never mentioned, this show had a daughter who was a slut, a father who spent the majority of his time on camera with his hand in his pants, and had more sex references than pretty much anything before or since. It definitely got bad in its latter years, but on the horizon of sitcoms...it's a welcome difference.
5. Head of the Class - We're talking about Howard Hesseman Head of the Class, not Billy Connolly Head of the Class, but Hesseman didn't last very long, so I'm including this just because I remember a few humorous moments, and it was also a source of some enlightenment. Every generation needs a good school comedy, and frankly, since this one, the genre's been relegated to kids' shows like Saved by the Bell or Fox's awful attempts.
Honorable mention: I got to five without mentioning Night Court, which was unintentional, but not worth correcting, given my inclusion of several new shows here. Dear John was also a pretty good show, though I don't know how much of it I actually saw.
Dan's Top 5:
1. Perfect Strangers - When you're growing up, there are certain television programs that are introduced to you during your formative years that you will always remember. I was a big fan of Sesame Street, Zoobilee Zoo, and Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, for example. Then there's your first experiences with programming that's not necessarily intended for children. For me, this was that show. Now able to revisit the series on DVD, I realize that while this is your basic sitcom, the humor is perfectly executed. The same recycled sitcom humor is perfectly supplemented with a degree of slapstick comedy that you don't normally see in sitcoms (Just take one look at the "Dance of Joy" and you should see what I mean). Also has one of the best theme songs ever.
2. Cheers - If we're going with sheer quality and lasting impact, this might make my #1, but it doesn't have the personal connection, since I only watched it during reruns. With great characters, funny writing, and the affirmation that it's not only not necessarily sad, but also perfectly acceptable to spend a hearty chunk of your life in the same drinking establishment to the point that Everybody Knows Your Name, there's absolutely nothing wrong with this show. Hey wait, have we done Top 5 TV Show Theme Songs yet?
3. The Cosby Show - There's really nothing to say about The Cosby Show, is there? If I have to explain anything, then it means that you haven't watched 100+ episodes by now, thus meaning that you've probably been cut off from the rest of humanity since 1984. Man, you could learn so much about good taste from this site.
4. ALF - You can tell that I was a kid during the 80's. All that I can really remember was that this show was amazing because its main character, an alien life form from Melmac, was a puppet. I was at an age when I couldn't even commit his obsession with eating the cat to memory. But really, isn't the puppet sufficient? Just look at any other sitcom from the era, and I think you'll agree.
5. Family Ties - I've always had appreciation for the talent of Michael J. Fox, and about 105% of that comes from my love of the Back to the Future films. The rest comes from this show. I've put it so low because the entire premise of the show is that Alex Keaton is a Republican. Even in the 80's, that loses you significant points.
Ryan's Top 5:
1. Cheers - The quintessential sitcom. The best of the 1980's and one of the best of all-time. Bonus points for its spin-off series also being one of the best of all-time. I refer of course to "Made in America" with John Ratzenberger.
2. The Cosby Show - I watched this as a kid in the 1980's, but I re-watched the entire series as a teenager in the late 1990's--late night, two episodes per night. It got kind of kooky toward the end, but not nearly as kooky as other shows that more thoroughly jump the shark.
3. The Wonder Years - I didn't immediately think of this as a sitcom, but I think that's mainly because this show isn't filmed in front of a live studio audience. It also went from 1987-1992, but I'm counting it as an 80's show, bolstered by the fact that I left it off the previous 1990's list for the same reasoning. Anyway, this show was pivotal, introducing Winnie Cooper as the paradigm for childhood girlfriends.
4. Night Court - Speaking of greatest TV theme songs...
5. Newhart - I watched this when I was a kid on Nick-at-Nite. Highlights include the following quote, which is still fun to say: "Hi, I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl, this is my other brother Darryl"; and the fact that they wrote off the entire series in the finale. Brilliant.
Tim's Top 5:
I can't bring myself to call The Wonder Years a sitcom, so my list is limited. All my shows also fall in the latter half of the '80s for the simple reason that I was too busy being barely sentient until about 1986, when I discovered baseball cards.
1. The Cosby Show - This was the show my life was centered on during the key pre-Simpsons formative years. Sure, it hit rough patches (the seasons with the funky opening credits, the introduction of Rudy), but it was a consistently funny TV comedy that also somehow managed to avoid the pathetic racial stereotyping and demographic comedy that has become the norm (thanks, George Lopez, D.L. Hughley, Damon Wayons, and every other ABC sitcom star). This was an African-American family that achieved actual success, had educated kids and parents, and they occasionally got in car accidents with Stevie Wonder. If only we could all live like the Huxtibles.
2. Cheers - This is the only show I feel any need to watch now, having bought the first two seasons on DVD, but I'd be lying if I said it was the one that got me through the 1980s. The show dealt with character change better than perhaps any other, replacing Shelley Long with Kirstie Alley, replacing Coach with Woody Harrelson, and had a good run. It's consistently funny, it's aged better than any of the other 1980s shows, and its only downside is the continued career of Ted Danson. For shame, Ted Danson.
3. Mr. Belvedere - Ah, Bob Uecker, have you ever made a mistake that didn't involve being in the Major League movies after the first one? (Note that I decline to call them Major League II and III, because the third one isn't called Major League III...hence my moral superiority at declining to call it by that name) The premise of the show is simple enough, but it involved things I enjoy -- sports and British people. Brice Beckham was one of the better child stars of the 1980s and Christopher Hewett oozed contempt for modern America.
4. Married...with Children - It began in the 1980s, I started watching it in 1989 and it took me a while to appreciate how truly different this show was. There simply wasn't (and really, still isn't) a show that's this casually offensive on network television. Growing Pains had a character named Boner, but it was never mentioned, this show had a daughter who was a slut, a father who spent the majority of his time on camera with his hand in his pants, and had more sex references than pretty much anything before or since. It definitely got bad in its latter years, but on the horizon of sitcoms...it's a welcome difference.
5. Head of the Class - We're talking about Howard Hesseman Head of the Class, not Billy Connolly Head of the Class, but Hesseman didn't last very long, so I'm including this just because I remember a few humorous moments, and it was also a source of some enlightenment. Every generation needs a good school comedy, and frankly, since this one, the genre's been relegated to kids' shows like Saved by the Bell or Fox's awful attempts.
Honorable mention: I got to five without mentioning Night Court, which was unintentional, but not worth correcting, given my inclusion of several new shows here. Dear John was also a pretty good show, though I don't know how much of it I actually saw.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Top 5 Simpsons Episodes
Here it is. The List To End All Lists. A list that has forced me to expand into a Bonus Top 10 (really this is cheating and a cowardly move to make myself feel better about excluding nos. 6-10 from the top 5...but even crafting a top 10 was difficult. This list looks strikingly different from the Top 35 list I made five years ago; given, though, when I made that list I was going solely on personal favorites. This time I've tended toward episode greatness, and, moreover, some of my old favorites have waned for me. (I wish I had a magic Simpsons iPod that tracked how many times I've watched particular episodes in my lifetime--Lisa the Vegetarian, for instance, has to approach 50 [at least].)
Tim suggested we do this list, and it was gnawing at me so I am posting it now in the hope that he doesn't mind...
Ryan's Top 10
1. Lemon of Troy, season 6 - I took a good amount of time setting out my rankings, and I had no idea this would be my #1 when I set out to do this list. Now that I'm done, I like it in this spot. This episode has a strong plot from start to finish, back when Simpsons episodes used to have plots rather than being a collection of pop culture references (which, don't get me wrong, are still better than most of the crap on television and certainly network television). This is yet another of the greats from seasons 6 and 7, the two best seasons. It also has the best Milhouse lines from any episode: "I feel like I'm going to explode here!" "This is what it sounds like, when doves cry!" Other gems: "This whole raid was as useless as that yellow lemon-shaped rock over there. Wait a minute... there's a lemon behind that rock!"
2. Homer the Great, season 6 - Nos. 1 and 2 were a toss-up, and this one could easily be on top without much argument. The Stonecutters' episode, like Lemon of Troy, is perfect plot-wise, start to finish. It also has one of the best songs in the series: "Who controls the British crown, who keeps the metric system down? We do! We do!" Other random, non-comprehensive gems:
Bart: Dad, remember those self-hypnosis courses we took to help us ignore Grampa?
Homer: Do I ever! It's five years later and I still think I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken, Marge!
3. You Only Move Twice, season 8 - This will doubtless rate high on other people's lists (I believe it's Tim's #1, unsure of Dan). And for good reason. Without having seen anyone else's list, I'll defer to them to dissect the greatness of this one further. I leave you with my favorite quotes from the episode:
Hank: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut, that's on third.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Hank: There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There?
Homer: Mm-Hmm.
Hank: That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third.
Homer: Oh, the hammock district.
(OK, my favorite scene is the end, with the Denver Broncos. Now I'm done.)
4. Bart Sells His Soul, season 7 - Contains, among many great lines, the classic "In the Garden of Eden," by I. Ron Butterfly. Also Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag, which has street signs indoors and sunglasses on alligators. ("Now I've seen everything!") Gems (this time from memory, so forgive a misplaced word or two): "You know Bart, Pablo Neruda said that laughter is the language of the soul." "I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda." Excellence.
5. Homer's Barbershop Quartet, season 5 - I completely left this one off my last list of 35, and I have no idea why--obviously a complete lapse in memory. (I did make that list when I was working an 11pm-7am at the dorm.) Anyway, this episode features George Harrison as a guest star and has more of the best music in the series. This is another strong plot episode... I probably wouldn't even being saying things like that if the last few seasons weren't so random. Gem:
Bart: [incredulous] Barbershop? That ain't been popular since aught six, dagnab it.
Homer: [reproachfully] Bart, what did I tell you?
Bart: [abashed] No talking like a grizzled 1890s prospector...consarnit.
SUPER HAPPY BONUS TOP 10 ACTION!
6. Mr. Plow, season 4 - Brilliant, and the less said, the better, probably. "The forecast calls for flurries of passion, followed by extended periods of gettin' it on."
7. Marge vs. The Monorail, season 4 - Losing Phil Hartman in 1997 really hurt the series, as his episodes/characters are some of the best. Here he stars as Lyle Lanley, the monorail swindler who put Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook on the map. Leonard Nimoy also guest stars: "A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on." "Does anyone want to switch seats?"
8. Itchy & Scratchy Land, season 6 - "Barclay"..."Barry"..."Bert"... "Bort"? Aw, come on. "Bort"?
Child: Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate.
Mother: No. Come along, Bort.
Man: Are you talking to me?
Mother: No, my son is also named Bort.
9. And Maggie Makes Three, season 6 - This one's gained prominence for me recently--it's another textbook plot-driven episode. I actually taught plot elements with this one in school--you can pinpoint the climax, when Maggie grabs Homer's thumb. It's also probably the best "heartwarming episode" and, of course, hilarious. "My marketing plan attracted a record number of police and fire officials, but few stayed to bowl."
10. Bart of Darkness, season 6 - Season 6 is fucking brilliant. This is one of my all-time personal favorites, in addition to being an all-around great episode. "'Tis a fine barn English but sure 'tis no pool!" "D'oh'eth!" Also, and this is impossible to verify, but it has one of the best signs-as-a-running-gag: POOL SHARKS -- WHERE THE BUYER IS OUR CHUM. Another of my all-time favorite lines: "I understand. Let us celebrate our arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk."
Honorable Mentions, in no order:
- Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious
- Bart After Dark (the burlesgue house)
- Bart Vs. Australia (an all-time personal favorite, but I figured the trip to Australia was gimmicky enough to force its exclusion from the top 10)
- Bart Gets an Elephant (damn it, this should probably be on there)
- The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (good but again, gimmicky...self-admittedly, to be fair)
- Lisa the Vegetarian (another personal favorite and owner of one of my favorite lines (the BBBQ)
- 22 Short Films About Springfield
Dan's Top 5:
1. 22 Short Films About Springfield - I love shows that follow a bunch of simultaneous story lines, and the Pulp Fiction references are priceless. "Do they have Krusty Partially Gelatinated Non-Dairy Gum-Based beverages?" "Yeah, they call 'em 'shakes.'" "'Shakes.' Hmph. You don't know what you're getting!"
2. Mr. Plow - "And now we play the waiting game... eh, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!"
3. Krusty Gets Cancelled - A million cameos in this one, though the true highlight is Krusty's rendition of "Send in the Clowns." Gains points because I saw it a number of times when I was into the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
4. Homer Goes to College - Classic take on the Animal House-style college paradigm, complete with a dean who's a jerk, and Homer mentoring three lovable nerds. In true Simpsons fashion, no one learns anything by the end of the show.
5. Treehouse of Horror VI - Included almost entirely because of "Homer^3." I actually remember the hype, even if it might have been entirely in my mind, for the Simpsons being 3-D. "Uh...it's like...did anyone see the movie 'Tron'?"
Honorable Mentions (read: A Top 10 with no commentary): You Only Move Twice, Flaming Moe's, Dancin' Homer, Homer to the Max, Last Exit to Springfield.
Tim's Top 5:
As Ryan said, I was working on this...for far longer than I would like to admit, but thankfully discussing it with some co-workers finalized my list today.
1. You Only Live Twice - I don't think that this is even close. Every character is amusing in this, and given my contempt for nearly any episode that substantively involves Lisa, that's saying something. Hank Scorpio is a brilliant merger of Bond villains with the new-wave CEO, the Denver Broncos are the perfect ending, and Bart's remedial class is one of the best use of supplementary characters in the series. Marge's drinking problem, Otto's squatting...yeah, this is a flawless episode.
Just a few moments:
Scorpio: Sugar? Sure. There you go. Sorry it's not in packets.
Apu: Hello. I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels!
Homer: Thank you, come again!
Kid: I'm from Canada and everyone thinks I'm slow, eh?
Other kid: I fell of the jungle gym and when I woke up, I was in here.
Another kid: I start fires!
2. The Mansion Family - The greatest line in all of Simpsons history (Bart: “what does that satellite do?” Homer: “it rebroadcasts major league baseball with implied oral consent, not expressed written consent, or so the legend goes.”) is the key to this episode, but nearly all the moments are worth celebrating. Monkey knife fights, man-cow weddings (Rick Santorum was right), box socials, that’s all I ask of an episode. It’s funny that I love it so, because it gets terrible reviews from the people on snpp.com. But these are also the deranged people who enjoyed The City of New York v. Homer Simpson.
3. Marge vs. the Monorail - Conan O'Brien's shining hour has Phil Hartman at his best, has a great cameo from Leonard Nimoy ("Didn't I?") and a lot of good Homer moments ("Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you Hoju!") and an unforgettable opening of Homer singing the Flintstones theme. A solid rendition of The Music Man, but fantastic for those who haven't seen it, too.
4. Homer the Great - The Stonecutters song is hands down the greatest musical experience in The Simpsons canon...and I'm mentioning this right after Marge vs. the Monorail, so I realize what I'm saying. The whole episode is fantastic, and few moments are as funny as "attach the Stone of Triumph!"
5. The Trouble With Trillions - "Well, if it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then I'll soon be guilty of that!" Homer's discussions while wearing a wire are among the best moments I can recall, and the entire story is entertaining enough to warrant mention here.
Honorable mention: Okay, I lied, I said I had items from both lists on mine, but that was when 22 Short Films About Springfield (now on this list) was at #5. But I have to go with The Trouble With Trillions. Homer vs. the 18th Amendment - "To alcohol, the cause of -- and solution to -- all life's problems!" I've always wanted to be a bootlegger, Dave Thomas does some of the best guest work for a guy who's not particularly famous to non-Canadians; Homer's Phobia - which gets major credit for not only being educational, funny, and really ahead of the curve on embracing (or tolerating) homosexuality, but gets even more credit since I got to interview John Waters about it; Homer At The Bat - "You just don't know when to quit, do you Saxy boy?" aside from its failure to recognize that clemens' downfall should be pedophilia, it's a sterling episode that destroyed many a baseball career; Lisa’s Wedding – this is by far the best of the Lisa episodes, it actually warrants mention not on that curve; Mr. Plow - "Oh yeah, what president is on it?" "Uh...all of them, they're having a party...Jimmy Carter is passed out on the couch."
I have a lot to catch up on, so Seinfeld is tomorrow's goal, as well as coming up with some more future lists.
Tim suggested we do this list, and it was gnawing at me so I am posting it now in the hope that he doesn't mind...
Ryan's Top 10
1. Lemon of Troy, season 6 - I took a good amount of time setting out my rankings, and I had no idea this would be my #1 when I set out to do this list. Now that I'm done, I like it in this spot. This episode has a strong plot from start to finish, back when Simpsons episodes used to have plots rather than being a collection of pop culture references (which, don't get me wrong, are still better than most of the crap on television and certainly network television). This is yet another of the greats from seasons 6 and 7, the two best seasons. It also has the best Milhouse lines from any episode: "I feel like I'm going to explode here!" "This is what it sounds like, when doves cry!" Other gems: "This whole raid was as useless as that yellow lemon-shaped rock over there. Wait a minute... there's a lemon behind that rock!"
2. Homer the Great, season 6 - Nos. 1 and 2 were a toss-up, and this one could easily be on top without much argument. The Stonecutters' episode, like Lemon of Troy, is perfect plot-wise, start to finish. It also has one of the best songs in the series: "Who controls the British crown, who keeps the metric system down? We do! We do!" Other random, non-comprehensive gems:
Bart: Dad, remember those self-hypnosis courses we took to help us ignore Grampa?
Homer: Do I ever! It's five years later and I still think I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken, Marge!
3. You Only Move Twice, season 8 - This will doubtless rate high on other people's lists (I believe it's Tim's #1, unsure of Dan). And for good reason. Without having seen anyone else's list, I'll defer to them to dissect the greatness of this one further. I leave you with my favorite quotes from the episode:
Hank: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut, that's on third.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Hank: There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There?
Homer: Mm-Hmm.
Hank: That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third.
Homer: Oh, the hammock district.
(OK, my favorite scene is the end, with the Denver Broncos. Now I'm done.)
4. Bart Sells His Soul, season 7 - Contains, among many great lines, the classic "In the Garden of Eden," by I. Ron Butterfly. Also Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag, which has street signs indoors and sunglasses on alligators. ("Now I've seen everything!") Gems (this time from memory, so forgive a misplaced word or two): "You know Bart, Pablo Neruda said that laughter is the language of the soul." "I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda." Excellence.
5. Homer's Barbershop Quartet, season 5 - I completely left this one off my last list of 35, and I have no idea why--obviously a complete lapse in memory. (I did make that list when I was working an 11pm-7am at the dorm.) Anyway, this episode features George Harrison as a guest star and has more of the best music in the series. This is another strong plot episode... I probably wouldn't even being saying things like that if the last few seasons weren't so random. Gem:
Bart: [incredulous] Barbershop? That ain't been popular since aught six, dagnab it.
Homer: [reproachfully] Bart, what did I tell you?
Bart: [abashed] No talking like a grizzled 1890s prospector...consarnit.
SUPER HAPPY BONUS TOP 10 ACTION!
6. Mr. Plow, season 4 - Brilliant, and the less said, the better, probably. "The forecast calls for flurries of passion, followed by extended periods of gettin' it on."
7. Marge vs. The Monorail, season 4 - Losing Phil Hartman in 1997 really hurt the series, as his episodes/characters are some of the best. Here he stars as Lyle Lanley, the monorail swindler who put Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook on the map. Leonard Nimoy also guest stars: "A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on." "Does anyone want to switch seats?"
8. Itchy & Scratchy Land, season 6 - "Barclay"..."Barry"..."Bert"... "Bort"? Aw, come on. "Bort"?
Child: Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate.
Mother: No. Come along, Bort.
Man: Are you talking to me?
Mother: No, my son is also named Bort.
9. And Maggie Makes Three, season 6 - This one's gained prominence for me recently--it's another textbook plot-driven episode. I actually taught plot elements with this one in school--you can pinpoint the climax, when Maggie grabs Homer's thumb. It's also probably the best "heartwarming episode" and, of course, hilarious. "My marketing plan attracted a record number of police and fire officials, but few stayed to bowl."
10. Bart of Darkness, season 6 - Season 6 is fucking brilliant. This is one of my all-time personal favorites, in addition to being an all-around great episode. "'Tis a fine barn English but sure 'tis no pool!" "D'oh'eth!" Also, and this is impossible to verify, but it has one of the best signs-as-a-running-gag: POOL SHARKS -- WHERE THE BUYER IS OUR CHUM. Another of my all-time favorite lines: "I understand. Let us celebrate our arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk."
Honorable Mentions, in no order:
- Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious
- Bart After Dark (the burlesgue house)
- Bart Vs. Australia (an all-time personal favorite, but I figured the trip to Australia was gimmicky enough to force its exclusion from the top 10)
- Bart Gets an Elephant (damn it, this should probably be on there)
- The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (good but again, gimmicky...self-admittedly, to be fair)
- Lisa the Vegetarian (another personal favorite and owner of one of my favorite lines (the BBBQ)
- 22 Short Films About Springfield
Dan's Top 5:
1. 22 Short Films About Springfield - I love shows that follow a bunch of simultaneous story lines, and the Pulp Fiction references are priceless. "Do they have Krusty Partially Gelatinated Non-Dairy Gum-Based beverages?" "Yeah, they call 'em 'shakes.'" "'Shakes.' Hmph. You don't know what you're getting!"
2. Mr. Plow - "And now we play the waiting game... eh, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!"
3. Krusty Gets Cancelled - A million cameos in this one, though the true highlight is Krusty's rendition of "Send in the Clowns." Gains points because I saw it a number of times when I was into the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
4. Homer Goes to College - Classic take on the Animal House-style college paradigm, complete with a dean who's a jerk, and Homer mentoring three lovable nerds. In true Simpsons fashion, no one learns anything by the end of the show.
5. Treehouse of Horror VI - Included almost entirely because of "Homer^3." I actually remember the hype, even if it might have been entirely in my mind, for the Simpsons being 3-D. "Uh...it's like...did anyone see the movie 'Tron'?"
Honorable Mentions (read: A Top 10 with no commentary): You Only Move Twice, Flaming Moe's, Dancin' Homer, Homer to the Max, Last Exit to Springfield.
Tim's Top 5:
As Ryan said, I was working on this...for far longer than I would like to admit, but thankfully discussing it with some co-workers finalized my list today.
1. You Only Live Twice - I don't think that this is even close. Every character is amusing in this, and given my contempt for nearly any episode that substantively involves Lisa, that's saying something. Hank Scorpio is a brilliant merger of Bond villains with the new-wave CEO, the Denver Broncos are the perfect ending, and Bart's remedial class is one of the best use of supplementary characters in the series. Marge's drinking problem, Otto's squatting...yeah, this is a flawless episode.
Just a few moments:
Scorpio: Sugar? Sure. There you go. Sorry it's not in packets.
Apu: Hello. I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels!
Homer: Thank you, come again!
Kid: I'm from Canada and everyone thinks I'm slow, eh?
Other kid: I fell of the jungle gym and when I woke up, I was in here.
Another kid: I start fires!
2. The Mansion Family - The greatest line in all of Simpsons history (Bart: “what does that satellite do?” Homer: “it rebroadcasts major league baseball with implied oral consent, not expressed written consent, or so the legend goes.”) is the key to this episode, but nearly all the moments are worth celebrating. Monkey knife fights, man-cow weddings (Rick Santorum was right), box socials, that’s all I ask of an episode. It’s funny that I love it so, because it gets terrible reviews from the people on snpp.com. But these are also the deranged people who enjoyed The City of New York v. Homer Simpson.
3. Marge vs. the Monorail - Conan O'Brien's shining hour has Phil Hartman at his best, has a great cameo from Leonard Nimoy ("Didn't I?") and a lot of good Homer moments ("Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you Hoju!") and an unforgettable opening of Homer singing the Flintstones theme. A solid rendition of The Music Man, but fantastic for those who haven't seen it, too.
4. Homer the Great - The Stonecutters song is hands down the greatest musical experience in The Simpsons canon...and I'm mentioning this right after Marge vs. the Monorail, so I realize what I'm saying. The whole episode is fantastic, and few moments are as funny as "attach the Stone of Triumph!"
5. The Trouble With Trillions - "Well, if it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then I'll soon be guilty of that!" Homer's discussions while wearing a wire are among the best moments I can recall, and the entire story is entertaining enough to warrant mention here.
Honorable mention: Okay, I lied, I said I had items from both lists on mine, but that was when 22 Short Films About Springfield (now on this list) was at #5. But I have to go with The Trouble With Trillions. Homer vs. the 18th Amendment - "To alcohol, the cause of -- and solution to -- all life's problems!" I've always wanted to be a bootlegger, Dave Thomas does some of the best guest work for a guy who's not particularly famous to non-Canadians; Homer's Phobia - which gets major credit for not only being educational, funny, and really ahead of the curve on embracing (or tolerating) homosexuality, but gets even more credit since I got to interview John Waters about it; Homer At The Bat - "You just don't know when to quit, do you Saxy boy?" aside from its failure to recognize that clemens' downfall should be pedophilia, it's a sterling episode that destroyed many a baseball career; Lisa’s Wedding – this is by far the best of the Lisa episodes, it actually warrants mention not on that curve; Mr. Plow - "Oh yeah, what president is on it?" "Uh...all of them, they're having a party...Jimmy Carter is passed out on the couch."
I have a lot to catch up on, so Seinfeld is tomorrow's goal, as well as coming up with some more future lists.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Top 5 Seinfeld Episodes
I have been meaning to do this one for some time now, I just plumb forgot about it. This is the site I used, though there are probably more helpful sites out there: http://www.stanthecaddy.com/seinfeld-episode-guide/
Ryan's Top Five:
1. The Contest - For me there's no contest about this one (pun intended and apologized for). Not only was this episode both groundbreaking (for the subject matter and for the advance of the show's popularity) and genius, its greatness has not been matched since. No other show could walk the line so carefully to such brilliant results; anything raunchier wouldn't be as funny, and ditto anything tamer. Memorable lines: Jerry: "Are you still master of your domain?" George: "I am king of the county!" Incidentally, the moment Kramer exits the contest was voted the third funniest moment in TV history (by people who assuredly have less merit in ranking things, but still, it's worth noting). And if you're unaware of the "subject matter," you really need to purchase this season. Do it anyway.
2. The Rye - A perfectly crafted episode that houses zaniness firmly within the realm of realism. The culmination is George fishing for a marble rye bread from a New York apartment, but anyone can recognize being embarrassed by the crass manners of friends or family members. To dissect the episode any further wouldn't be funny, so instead, picture the scene where Jerry mugs an old lady for a loaf of bread ("Shut up you old bag!").
3. The Invitations - If there's a better use of the "shock factor" in a sitcom, I haven't seen it. Killing off people in sitcoms is so out-of-left-field, you would never expect it to happen--let alone for any comedy to result. And if you had any doubts about the vices of the characters before this episode, this should settle it. Favorite scenes--how about George trying to get a date with Marissa Tomei after his fiance dies? Or Elaine's consolation: "I'm... sorry?" This episode was, undoubtedly, shockingly brilliant.
4. The Opposite - If you're unfamiliar with the title, here's a short recap: George does everything against his instinct and Jerry's life always evens out--George's life becomes great and Elaine's life gets shitty. I'm not sure where everyone else ranks this episode, but it's a personal favorite; this is also the one where George gets the job with the Yankees. Here are some of my favorite Seinfeld quotes:
Yankees exec: This is Mr. Costanza. He's one of the applicants.
Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.
George: Well, I wish I could say the same. But I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduce them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!
Steinbrenner: Hire this man!
....
George: My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
5. The Voice - This is the newest one in the top 5, from season 9. Highlights include "the voice" (i.e., HELLOOOOOOOOO!!! LA HA HA!) that Jerry, George, and Kramer come up with that speaks out of Jerry's girlfriend's belly button. This is also the episode with Kramerica Industries and Kramer's attempt to solve oil spills with rubber balls (LOOK AT ME, I'M ALL COVERED IN OIL!). Brilliance.
Controversial Omissions (i.e. Honorable Mentions), in chronological order:
- The Bubble Boy
- The Library (the Detective Bookman episode, and "Can't-Stand-Ya")
- The Boyfriend Parts 1 and 2 (Keith Hernandez and the "magic loogy" theory
- The Outing ("Not that there's anything WRONG with that!")
- The Puffy Shirt
- The Marine Biologist ("Is anybody here a marine biologist?")
- The Hamptons (definite shrinkage)
- The Race (Jerry as Superman)
- The Soup Nazi: Here's the thing, this is maybe the most classic episode of Seinfeld. However, upon re-watching, this episode basically only has the Soup Nazi angle going for it (Elaine gets an armoire stolen by gay street thieves, which is funny, but not as funny as, say, Kramerica Industries). Now, this is almost certainly the 6th best episode of the series (or, failing that, solidly in the top 10), but it's not as complete as the top 5 above.
- The Bizarro Jerry
- The Little Kicks (Elaine dancing)
- The Abstinence (George gives up sex and becomes brilliant, Elaine gives up sex and becomes a moron)
- The Susie (including George's classic answering machine message, "Believe it or not George isn't at home, please leave a message at the beep..."
- The Strike ("It's a Festivus for the rest of us!")
Dan's Top 5:
The Contest - ep. 411 - I love the fact that the central conflict in this episode is sexual frustration, but every reference is in the form of innuendo. As a result, it gets to stay tame enough for network television. No use in saying too much more, as Ryan sums it up sufficiently.
The Gum - ep. 710 - The taboo of insanity is the central focus here. What I love about this episode is how well everything is interconnected in true Seinfeld fashion. (Elaine complains that a man is washing the sidewalk with a hose, and later George cannot put out the fire in the Jon Voight car because it's been disconnected.) One of my favorite moments ever is when George runs after Deena, shouting, "This isn't mine. I got it from the Institute. The Institute!"
The Frogger - ep. 918 - Really a commentary on the unachievable nature of immortality. Elaine destroys a piece of Edward VIII's legacy by eating a piece of decades-old wedding cake, George's attempt at immortality comes in the form of trying to preserve his high score on a Frogger machine, only to fail when executing the Frogger strategy on a real-life street.
The Airport - ep. 412 - This is probably the first Seinfeld episode I really memorized. I suspect that a lot of sitcoms have done episodes regarding an airport, but this one was actually funny and memorable. Jerry and Elaine highlight the differences between first class and coach, which is to be expected, but the true comedy of the episode is Kramer's pursuit of his old roommate for $300, and George's interactions with a major criminal.
The Fusilli Jerry - ep. 621 - Another episode that deals primarily with sex - (the episode where numerous "moves" are exchanged). But really, the highlight of this episode is Kramer's "ASSMAN" license plates. "I'm Cosmo Kramer, the assman!" A million-to-one shot.
Honorable Mentions - Let's not kid ourselves... every other episode.
Tim's Top 5:
I'm doing this all from memory, so I could be horribly wrong. But they're the episodes that strike me as particularly memorable.
1. The Contest - Yeah, Ryan had it right. It was a revelation to have on television and it opened the door to a lot of similarly themed episodes when the most explicit thing on TV before had been a character on Growing Pains that was named Boner for no apparent reason except for Alan Thicke's wanton pedophilia (note: Alan Thicke is notactually necessarily a pedophile).
2. The Abstinence - George becomes brilliant by not having sex, Elaine becomes a moron while not sleeping with Bob Odenkirk so he can become a doctor. Kramer opens a smoking club in his apartment and gets to go see Jackie Chiles, and George decides being a genius is still less important than sleeping with a Portuguese waitress.
3. The Little Kicks - Elaine dances, Elaine turns a co-worker onto George by warning her to avoid him, Kramer gets Jerry to end up as a movie bootlegger, and the episode ties up all its loose ends with one seamless conclusion that will make you cry, cry again.
4. The Library - I swear that Seinfeld is responsible for Phillip Baker Hall coming back out of the woodwork as an actor, and that alone would make it well worth including this episode. But it's also flawless casting, Phillip Baker Hall is the best library cop you could envision, the Can'tstandya scenes are sheer hilarity, and Kramer's seduction of the librarian completes the trifecta. Definitely the best of the early episodes.
5. The Andrea Doria - Jerry conspires to get Newman transferred to Hawaii but loses Newman's job by doing too good a job delivering the mail; George tells his tale of woe to compete with the Andrea Doria survivor for an apartment in a coop; Elaine has a big head; Kramer goes to the vet to get a pill for his cough.
Honorable mention: The Beard - The Melrose Place polygraph is an all-time highlight. But that's it, because if I kept doing reearch, I'd just have to change my list. I'll just have to settle for being wrong.
Ryan's Top Five:
1. The Contest - For me there's no contest about this one (pun intended and apologized for). Not only was this episode both groundbreaking (for the subject matter and for the advance of the show's popularity) and genius, its greatness has not been matched since. No other show could walk the line so carefully to such brilliant results; anything raunchier wouldn't be as funny, and ditto anything tamer. Memorable lines: Jerry: "Are you still master of your domain?" George: "I am king of the county!" Incidentally, the moment Kramer exits the contest was voted the third funniest moment in TV history (by people who assuredly have less merit in ranking things, but still, it's worth noting). And if you're unaware of the "subject matter," you really need to purchase this season. Do it anyway.
2. The Rye - A perfectly crafted episode that houses zaniness firmly within the realm of realism. The culmination is George fishing for a marble rye bread from a New York apartment, but anyone can recognize being embarrassed by the crass manners of friends or family members. To dissect the episode any further wouldn't be funny, so instead, picture the scene where Jerry mugs an old lady for a loaf of bread ("Shut up you old bag!").
3. The Invitations - If there's a better use of the "shock factor" in a sitcom, I haven't seen it. Killing off people in sitcoms is so out-of-left-field, you would never expect it to happen--let alone for any comedy to result. And if you had any doubts about the vices of the characters before this episode, this should settle it. Favorite scenes--how about George trying to get a date with Marissa Tomei after his fiance dies? Or Elaine's consolation: "I'm... sorry?" This episode was, undoubtedly, shockingly brilliant.
4. The Opposite - If you're unfamiliar with the title, here's a short recap: George does everything against his instinct and Jerry's life always evens out--George's life becomes great and Elaine's life gets shitty. I'm not sure where everyone else ranks this episode, but it's a personal favorite; this is also the one where George gets the job with the Yankees. Here are some of my favorite Seinfeld quotes:
Yankees exec: This is Mr. Costanza. He's one of the applicants.
Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.
George: Well, I wish I could say the same. But I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduce them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!
Steinbrenner: Hire this man!
....
George: My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
5. The Voice - This is the newest one in the top 5, from season 9. Highlights include "the voice" (i.e., HELLOOOOOOOOO!!! LA HA HA!) that Jerry, George, and Kramer come up with that speaks out of Jerry's girlfriend's belly button. This is also the episode with Kramerica Industries and Kramer's attempt to solve oil spills with rubber balls (LOOK AT ME, I'M ALL COVERED IN OIL!). Brilliance.
Controversial Omissions (i.e. Honorable Mentions), in chronological order:
- The Bubble Boy
- The Library (the Detective Bookman episode, and "Can't-Stand-Ya")
- The Boyfriend Parts 1 and 2 (Keith Hernandez and the "magic loogy" theory
- The Outing ("Not that there's anything WRONG with that!")
- The Puffy Shirt
- The Marine Biologist ("Is anybody here a marine biologist?")
- The Hamptons (definite shrinkage)
- The Race (Jerry as Superman)
- The Soup Nazi: Here's the thing, this is maybe the most classic episode of Seinfeld. However, upon re-watching, this episode basically only has the Soup Nazi angle going for it (Elaine gets an armoire stolen by gay street thieves, which is funny, but not as funny as, say, Kramerica Industries). Now, this is almost certainly the 6th best episode of the series (or, failing that, solidly in the top 10), but it's not as complete as the top 5 above.
- The Bizarro Jerry
- The Little Kicks (Elaine dancing)
- The Abstinence (George gives up sex and becomes brilliant, Elaine gives up sex and becomes a moron)
- The Susie (including George's classic answering machine message, "Believe it or not George isn't at home, please leave a message at the beep..."
- The Strike ("It's a Festivus for the rest of us!")
Dan's Top 5:
The Contest - ep. 411 - I love the fact that the central conflict in this episode is sexual frustration, but every reference is in the form of innuendo. As a result, it gets to stay tame enough for network television. No use in saying too much more, as Ryan sums it up sufficiently.
The Gum - ep. 710 - The taboo of insanity is the central focus here. What I love about this episode is how well everything is interconnected in true Seinfeld fashion. (Elaine complains that a man is washing the sidewalk with a hose, and later George cannot put out the fire in the Jon Voight car because it's been disconnected.) One of my favorite moments ever is when George runs after Deena, shouting, "This isn't mine. I got it from the Institute. The Institute!"
The Frogger - ep. 918 - Really a commentary on the unachievable nature of immortality. Elaine destroys a piece of Edward VIII's legacy by eating a piece of decades-old wedding cake, George's attempt at immortality comes in the form of trying to preserve his high score on a Frogger machine, only to fail when executing the Frogger strategy on a real-life street.
The Airport - ep. 412 - This is probably the first Seinfeld episode I really memorized. I suspect that a lot of sitcoms have done episodes regarding an airport, but this one was actually funny and memorable. Jerry and Elaine highlight the differences between first class and coach, which is to be expected, but the true comedy of the episode is Kramer's pursuit of his old roommate for $300, and George's interactions with a major criminal.
The Fusilli Jerry - ep. 621 - Another episode that deals primarily with sex - (the episode where numerous "moves" are exchanged). But really, the highlight of this episode is Kramer's "ASSMAN" license plates. "I'm Cosmo Kramer, the assman!" A million-to-one shot.
Honorable Mentions - Let's not kid ourselves... every other episode.
Tim's Top 5:
I'm doing this all from memory, so I could be horribly wrong. But they're the episodes that strike me as particularly memorable.
1. The Contest - Yeah, Ryan had it right. It was a revelation to have on television and it opened the door to a lot of similarly themed episodes when the most explicit thing on TV before had been a character on Growing Pains that was named Boner for no apparent reason except for Alan Thicke's wanton pedophilia (note: Alan Thicke is not
2. The Abstinence - George becomes brilliant by not having sex, Elaine becomes a moron while not sleeping with Bob Odenkirk so he can become a doctor. Kramer opens a smoking club in his apartment and gets to go see Jackie Chiles, and George decides being a genius is still less important than sleeping with a Portuguese waitress.
3. The Little Kicks - Elaine dances, Elaine turns a co-worker onto George by warning her to avoid him, Kramer gets Jerry to end up as a movie bootlegger, and the episode ties up all its loose ends with one seamless conclusion that will make you cry, cry again.
4. The Library - I swear that Seinfeld is responsible for Phillip Baker Hall coming back out of the woodwork as an actor, and that alone would make it well worth including this episode. But it's also flawless casting, Phillip Baker Hall is the best library cop you could envision, the Can'tstandya scenes are sheer hilarity, and Kramer's seduction of the librarian completes the trifecta. Definitely the best of the early episodes.
5. The Andrea Doria - Jerry conspires to get Newman transferred to Hawaii but loses Newman's job by doing too good a job delivering the mail; George tells his tale of woe to compete with the Andrea Doria survivor for an apartment in a coop; Elaine has a big head; Kramer goes to the vet to get a pill for his cough.
Honorable mention: The Beard - The Melrose Place polygraph is an all-time highlight. But that's it, because if I kept doing reearch, I'd just have to change my list. I'll just have to settle for being wrong.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Top 5 Worst Ideas For Reality Shows That Actually Made It To Air
To define terms: loosely, think of a reality show as anything that could win the Emmy category. I used the word "idea" on purpose, so that we are free to criticize shows we haven't actually seen. (For example, one doesn't have to watch much or any of that Britney Spears show, whatever it was called, to know it was God-awful.) This website helps: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_reality_television_programs#Reality_game_shows.2FReality_.22Playoffs.22
Ryan's Top Five
1. Bonds on Bonds, ESPN - Here's an idea--let's take one of the biggest jerks in sports and give him a public forum to talk MORE about how he's been victimized. Count me in! This show epitomizes everything that is wrong with ESPN (let alone humanity, American culture, etc.). In a nutshell: excessive (to use understatement) coverage of stuff we don't want to watch. Patriots Spygate stories, endless Yankees and Red Sox games, news, etc., a phony GM press conference involving Steve Phillips (I have not forgotten), Steve Phillips in any capacity that doesn't involve him trading away Mets prospects (Kazmir for an old paint can and Victor Zambrano), "Who's Now?" bullshit, etc. etc. etc. Look. You cover sports. SPORTS. JUST SHOW HIGHLIGHTS ALL DAY LONG.
2. Celebrity Paranormal Project, VH1 - A common theme on this list has to be the "Just add celebrities" paradigm that reality show producers seem to follow. For this stratagem to have any merit, the celebrities would have to be big, or, you know, bigger than someone you wouldn't be surprised to see cutting the ribbon at a new used Kia dealership. (Off topic, but in Celebrity Fit Club, these celebrities are playing for ACTUAL PRIZE MONEY--not for a charity.) The D-List celebrities angle is one thing (examples, hm, examples...I think Chyna Doll was involved...), the having-them-examine-old-mental-hospitals-and-prisons is another. The fact that this was often done in a heartfelt spirit of challenging one's fears... No. (I'll not address the fact that VH-1 was at one point a music video channel...)
3. Rich Girls, MTV - You know who I love to hang out with? Pretentious rich assholes. I especially love to hear their world views. An added bonus of this show: if you listen closely, you can actually hear your brain shriveling while you watch.
4. Kid Nation, CBS - Hah!
5. Skating with Celebrities, Fox - This one has to win the Spirit Award for most ludicrous. You know what I'd rather watch than D-Listers trying to ice skate? Actual figure skating. You know what I'd rather watch than actual figure skating? Paint dry.
Dan's Top Five:
1. There's Something About Miriam, Sky One - "Hosted by Tim Vincent, it featured six men wooing 21-year-old Mexican model Miriam without revealing that she was a transwoman until the final episode... Responses from critics were generally unfavorable, calling it 'the cruellest reality show idea yet' and part of a trend in shows that exploit unwitting contestants. A British reviewer noted, 'The whole premise of There’s Something About Miriam was not a celebration of transgendered life. It was designed to elicit horror from the winning contestant discovering that his dream date had a penis.'"
2. The Swan, FOX - Want to up the ante on makeover shows? Move over, queer eye guys, we're here to do plastic motherfucking surgery! Sure, you could change your clothes, your diet, and your routine of preparing yourself for the day in front of your bathroom mirror, but real beauty lies in the sharpness of the scalpel.
3. The Big Break, The Golf Channel - I just have to regurgitate what wikipedia tells me... "The Big Break was a reality show in which aspiring golf players competed against one another and were eliminated. The show's premise is to award an aspiring professional golfer exemptions into selected events on certain tours. The series debuted on October 6, 2003, and has become very popular, spawning eight subsequent editions." Yeah, read that last part again.
4. Tommy Lee Goes to College, NBC, VH1 - I'm not exaggerating when I say that I laugh every single time I read this title. Hahaha.
5. My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance, FOX - "An elementary school teacher named Randi Coy is offered $250,000 for herself and $250,000 for the rest of her family if she takes part in a fake wedding engagement to a man named "Steve Williams". However she has to convince her family of the engagement and have a wedding arranged in 12 days time with all her family members attending in order to win the money." Here's the sad part, though... "The German broadcaster Sat. 1 adopted the format and aired Mein großer, dicker, peinlicher Verlobter in late 2004. In France Mon incroyable fiancé was aired on TF1 in summer 2005." I am truly ashamed of American culture.
Tim's Top 5:
I have superb news for people here, which is that I am utterly unaware of things on TV. So I'm going to have to do this armed with wikipedia and a vague memory of shows that I know of but have not seen.
1. American Idol - I've gone on this rampage many a time before, but while it has value in the abstract, it suffers from all the deficiencies of all other reality shows -- its premise is utterly abandoned for the conclusion -- after actually having people judge them on their merits for months of prelims, they turn it over to people who will vote for people based on race, sex, attractiveness, or Sanjayacity. The first few weeks of the show, as I understand it, are basically oriented around mocking people who really want to be on the show. The last few weeks are supposed to determine who gets the grand prize of a record contract with Clive Davis.
So...to recap...beginning of show = schadenfreude, middle of show = karaoke to Stevie Wonder songs performed by people who've never even heard Songs in the Key of Life, end of show = votes that can't be counted accurately, not that it matters, since the votes are based on things other than musical talent. Oh, and the vote total doesn't really matter because unfortunately, the ratings for this awful show are really good, so even people who finish sixth on the show get record deals with legitimate labels (and I only know this because my mom bought one of those albums -- John Stevens' Red). So -- premise is abandoned near the end in favor of direct democracy, which so rarely works in any system -- and premise is faulty because the winner might actually get a less lucrative deal anyway (see Clay Aiken). After the Beatles helped us push the talentless hacks who play no instruments and don't write songs down the fame charts, this show has given us people whose whole goal in life is to sell records of other people's work. If everyone who participated in this show in any way, shape, or form were to disappear tomorrow in some American Idol rapture, I suspect those of us who were left behind would live in a much richer world. Oh, this show is also responsible for the god awful movie American Dreamz. I shall never forgive.
2. Flavor of Love - If you can watch Flava Flav for more than five minutes, you obviously hate Chuck D. If you can watch women fawn over the opportunity to...uh, I don't know exactly, with Flava Flav, you are enjoying what is a misogynistic minstrel show. Everything about this show offends me, and I'm not easily offended. A celebration of women whose dream in life is to be a whore would be fine, so long as it wasn't dressed up as something else -- but that programming's already been taken care of by Cinemax and its legions of movies called "Diary of a Prostitute", "Hooker Nights", etc. Strange Love, this show's would-be predecessor, also warrants mention, and is hereby incorporated by reference.
3. Last Comic Standing - I've seen absolutely none of this show -- not one second of it. That said, it is the biggest culprit for the faulty premise of a reality show, because the first season had Kathleen Madigan competing. Kathleen Madigan. Read that again. If you are even incrementally aware of stand-up comedy, Kathleen Madigan has already crossed your radar. This is not taking comedians who are opening for the opening act at the Improv (which is already making it, as far as I'm concerned), it's taking people who are already headlining the Improv and then giving them a chance to be "famous". It'd be like if American Idol required you to sell 100,000 albums before you could be a contestant or if Richard Simmons was a contestant on the Biggest Loser.
4. The Contender - I don't remember what comedy album this is from, but I have to attribute it to someone far funnier than I am (in other words, not Larry the Cable Guy, not Jeff Foxworthy, not Ron White, not Dane Cook). (I've done some research, it was Greg Giraldo -- "Anyone watch The Contender, where they have this show to see who the best boxer is? That kinda reminds me of this other show where they tried to find out who the best boxer was. It was called boxing. Remember that? It was a good show, boxing."
5. The Real Housewives of Orange County - This gets credit for having some douchebag husband on the show get arrested and then say "this proves that celebrities don't get special treatment in the court system". Douchebag, you're not a celebrity. Your show is on bravo or some network that eighteen people are watching at any given time, you're not even one of the titular (I think that word is spot on here) housewives of Orange County. Basically, if you want to watch conniving women act like ... conniving bitches and their husbands act...like conniving bitches, you can watch this show. But I remember another show where you could see people being miserable bastards. It's called going outside. Try it. Then again, if you watch this and enjoy it, please don't. Please never encounter another human being, unless it's to purchase some sort of one-way ticket off this miserable planet.
Honorable mention: absolutely anything MTV has done. I hate MTV and all its works, but The Real World really was the reality show that launched a thousand ships and shut down music videos being played on MTV. Road Rules, The Osbournes, Punk'd -- all these shows should be punishable by death. For some reason game shows like Deal or No Deal get mentioned in this category -- given that it's a game show with absolutely no skill involved, it has to be mentioned; Grease! You're the One That I Want! -- for having a god awful title and bad premise, again, this show already existed, it was called open auditions; Kid Nation - Alas, I know far more about this program than I can disclose.
Just for the record, this top 5 has made me more angry than perhaps any other. I am so furious at the absolute trash that people voluntarily subject themselves to that I may not be able to sleep. I enjoy irony, but man...there's a line, and everything mentioned above (on any of these lists) crosses it. I have watched no reality show that I know of, though I know educated people who enjoy The Amazing Race, so I will assume it to be less horrific than most (even though I know from my limited experience in viewing it, that it also suffers from any number of faulty premises).
Ryan's Top Five
1. Bonds on Bonds, ESPN - Here's an idea--let's take one of the biggest jerks in sports and give him a public forum to talk MORE about how he's been victimized. Count me in! This show epitomizes everything that is wrong with ESPN (let alone humanity, American culture, etc.). In a nutshell: excessive (to use understatement) coverage of stuff we don't want to watch. Patriots Spygate stories, endless Yankees and Red Sox games, news, etc., a phony GM press conference involving Steve Phillips (I have not forgotten), Steve Phillips in any capacity that doesn't involve him trading away Mets prospects (Kazmir for an old paint can and Victor Zambrano), "Who's Now?" bullshit, etc. etc. etc. Look. You cover sports. SPORTS. JUST SHOW HIGHLIGHTS ALL DAY LONG.
2. Celebrity Paranormal Project, VH1 - A common theme on this list has to be the "Just add celebrities" paradigm that reality show producers seem to follow. For this stratagem to have any merit, the celebrities would have to be big, or, you know, bigger than someone you wouldn't be surprised to see cutting the ribbon at a new used Kia dealership. (Off topic, but in Celebrity Fit Club, these celebrities are playing for ACTUAL PRIZE MONEY--not for a charity.) The D-List celebrities angle is one thing (examples, hm, examples...I think Chyna Doll was involved...), the having-them-examine-old-mental-hospitals-and-prisons is another. The fact that this was often done in a heartfelt spirit of challenging one's fears... No. (I'll not address the fact that VH-1 was at one point a music video channel...)
3. Rich Girls, MTV - You know who I love to hang out with? Pretentious rich assholes. I especially love to hear their world views. An added bonus of this show: if you listen closely, you can actually hear your brain shriveling while you watch.
4. Kid Nation, CBS - Hah!
5. Skating with Celebrities, Fox - This one has to win the Spirit Award for most ludicrous. You know what I'd rather watch than D-Listers trying to ice skate? Actual figure skating. You know what I'd rather watch than actual figure skating? Paint dry.
Dan's Top Five:
1. There's Something About Miriam, Sky One - "Hosted by Tim Vincent, it featured six men wooing 21-year-old Mexican model Miriam without revealing that she was a transwoman until the final episode... Responses from critics were generally unfavorable, calling it 'the cruellest reality show idea yet' and part of a trend in shows that exploit unwitting contestants. A British reviewer noted, 'The whole premise of There’s Something About Miriam was not a celebration of transgendered life. It was designed to elicit horror from the winning contestant discovering that his dream date had a penis.'"
2. The Swan, FOX - Want to up the ante on makeover shows? Move over, queer eye guys, we're here to do plastic motherfucking surgery! Sure, you could change your clothes, your diet, and your routine of preparing yourself for the day in front of your bathroom mirror, but real beauty lies in the sharpness of the scalpel.
3. The Big Break, The Golf Channel - I just have to regurgitate what wikipedia tells me... "The Big Break was a reality show in which aspiring golf players competed against one another and were eliminated. The show's premise is to award an aspiring professional golfer exemptions into selected events on certain tours. The series debuted on October 6, 2003, and has become very popular, spawning eight subsequent editions." Yeah, read that last part again.
4. Tommy Lee Goes to College, NBC, VH1 - I'm not exaggerating when I say that I laugh every single time I read this title. Hahaha.
5. My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance, FOX - "An elementary school teacher named Randi Coy is offered $250,000 for herself and $250,000 for the rest of her family if she takes part in a fake wedding engagement to a man named "Steve Williams". However she has to convince her family of the engagement and have a wedding arranged in 12 days time with all her family members attending in order to win the money." Here's the sad part, though... "The German broadcaster Sat. 1 adopted the format and aired Mein großer, dicker, peinlicher Verlobter in late 2004. In France Mon incroyable fiancé was aired on TF1 in summer 2005." I am truly ashamed of American culture.
Tim's Top 5:
I have superb news for people here, which is that I am utterly unaware of things on TV. So I'm going to have to do this armed with wikipedia and a vague memory of shows that I know of but have not seen.
1. American Idol - I've gone on this rampage many a time before, but while it has value in the abstract, it suffers from all the deficiencies of all other reality shows -- its premise is utterly abandoned for the conclusion -- after actually having people judge them on their merits for months of prelims, they turn it over to people who will vote for people based on race, sex, attractiveness, or Sanjayacity. The first few weeks of the show, as I understand it, are basically oriented around mocking people who really want to be on the show. The last few weeks are supposed to determine who gets the grand prize of a record contract with Clive Davis.
So...to recap...beginning of show = schadenfreude, middle of show = karaoke to Stevie Wonder songs performed by people who've never even heard Songs in the Key of Life, end of show = votes that can't be counted accurately, not that it matters, since the votes are based on things other than musical talent. Oh, and the vote total doesn't really matter because unfortunately, the ratings for this awful show are really good, so even people who finish sixth on the show get record deals with legitimate labels (and I only know this because my mom bought one of those albums -- John Stevens' Red). So -- premise is abandoned near the end in favor of direct democracy, which so rarely works in any system -- and premise is faulty because the winner might actually get a less lucrative deal anyway (see Clay Aiken). After the Beatles helped us push the talentless hacks who play no instruments and don't write songs down the fame charts, this show has given us people whose whole goal in life is to sell records of other people's work. If everyone who participated in this show in any way, shape, or form were to disappear tomorrow in some American Idol rapture, I suspect those of us who were left behind would live in a much richer world. Oh, this show is also responsible for the god awful movie American Dreamz. I shall never forgive.
2. Flavor of Love - If you can watch Flava Flav for more than five minutes, you obviously hate Chuck D. If you can watch women fawn over the opportunity to...uh, I don't know exactly, with Flava Flav, you are enjoying what is a misogynistic minstrel show. Everything about this show offends me, and I'm not easily offended. A celebration of women whose dream in life is to be a whore would be fine, so long as it wasn't dressed up as something else -- but that programming's already been taken care of by Cinemax and its legions of movies called "Diary of a Prostitute", "Hooker Nights", etc. Strange Love, this show's would-be predecessor, also warrants mention, and is hereby incorporated by reference.
3. Last Comic Standing - I've seen absolutely none of this show -- not one second of it. That said, it is the biggest culprit for the faulty premise of a reality show, because the first season had Kathleen Madigan competing. Kathleen Madigan. Read that again. If you are even incrementally aware of stand-up comedy, Kathleen Madigan has already crossed your radar. This is not taking comedians who are opening for the opening act at the Improv (which is already making it, as far as I'm concerned), it's taking people who are already headlining the Improv and then giving them a chance to be "famous". It'd be like if American Idol required you to sell 100,000 albums before you could be a contestant or if Richard Simmons was a contestant on the Biggest Loser.
4. The Contender - I don't remember what comedy album this is from, but I have to attribute it to someone far funnier than I am (in other words, not Larry the Cable Guy, not Jeff Foxworthy, not Ron White, not Dane Cook). (I've done some research, it was Greg Giraldo -- "Anyone watch The Contender, where they have this show to see who the best boxer is? That kinda reminds me of this other show where they tried to find out who the best boxer was. It was called boxing. Remember that? It was a good show, boxing."
5. The Real Housewives of Orange County - This gets credit for having some douchebag husband on the show get arrested and then say "this proves that celebrities don't get special treatment in the court system". Douchebag, you're not a celebrity. Your show is on bravo or some network that eighteen people are watching at any given time, you're not even one of the titular (I think that word is spot on here) housewives of Orange County. Basically, if you want to watch conniving women act like ... conniving bitches and their husbands act...like conniving bitches, you can watch this show. But I remember another show where you could see people being miserable bastards. It's called going outside. Try it. Then again, if you watch this and enjoy it, please don't. Please never encounter another human being, unless it's to purchase some sort of one-way ticket off this miserable planet.
Honorable mention: absolutely anything MTV has done. I hate MTV and all its works, but The Real World really was the reality show that launched a thousand ships and shut down music videos being played on MTV. Road Rules, The Osbournes, Punk'd -- all these shows should be punishable by death. For some reason game shows like Deal or No Deal get mentioned in this category -- given that it's a game show with absolutely no skill involved, it has to be mentioned; Grease! You're the One That I Want! -- for having a god awful title and bad premise, again, this show already existed, it was called open auditions; Kid Nation - Alas, I know far more about this program than I can disclose.
Just for the record, this top 5 has made me more angry than perhaps any other. I am so furious at the absolute trash that people voluntarily subject themselves to that I may not be able to sleep. I enjoy irony, but man...there's a line, and everything mentioned above (on any of these lists) crosses it. I have watched no reality show that I know of, though I know educated people who enjoy The Amazing Race, so I will assume it to be less horrific than most (even though I know from my limited experience in viewing it, that it also suffers from any number of faulty premises).
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Top 5 Pythons
From wiki: "The group's influence on comedy has often been compared to The Beatles' influence on music." So I think a Top 5 is in order. I came up with this idea when I landed on PBS, which was airing the German episode of Flying Circus. Let me preface this list with the obvious, that there aren't remotely any "bad" Pythons in my book, but I'm assuming we might disagree on the ranking scheme.
Ryan's Top 5:
1. Michael Palin - I give Palin a slight nod over Cleese, so that someone else can change the order. Palin wrote a pretty good novel in Hemingway's Chair. He was, notably, the dead parrot salesman, the transvestite lumberjack, and the lead cardinal of The Spanish Inquisition.
2. John Cleese - Probably the most talented of the bunch, if we're being objective, which isn't exactly something I pride myself on (hi, my name is Ryan). Played loads of roles, but the ones that come to mind are the Minister of Silly Walks and the double vision leader of the proposed expedition to Kilimanjaro. He was also essentially the host of a lot of the episodes and And Now For Something Completely Different, and frequently narrated. Fawlty Towers is also hilarious, and really so is anything else he's in.
3. Graham Chapman - Probably the most dead of the bunch, if we're being objecti... oh, wait. Played King Arthur and Brian, and he was The Colonel.
4. Eric Idle - He wrote "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life," which really could make him #1. Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more.
5. Terry Gilliam - I thought about putting Jones here but The Pythons really wouldn't have been the same without their trademark cartoon animation, which even now is eminently and immediately recognizable. He was also great as Patsy in The Holy Grail.
It feels wrong not including Terry Jones, because he was a principal writer of some of the best sketches and also earns bonus points for penning the Labyrinth screenplay. But someone had to go to fit in the animator.
Dan's Top 5:
1. Michael Palin - Unlike Ryan's reasoning, mine is that he truly is my favorite Python. He seemed the most versatile, as well as the most Charismatic. Played practically everything in The Holy Grail, and a number of memorable roles in the television series.
2. Graham Chapman - Probably my favorite of what seemed to be the two "leaders," Chapman and Cleese. I loved the juxtaposition of straight-faced and absurd. Co-wrote “The Ministry of Silly Walks”, "Raymond Luxury Yacht", and “Dead Parrot.” Oh, and here is part of his memorial service.
3. Eric Idle - The musical talent of the group (apart from Neil Innes) and perhaps the most unique of the bunch (he wrote his material alone). Also responsible for "Spamalot," which I would love to see.
4. John Cleese - I really feel bad putting him this low, as it seems like he's one of the smartest of the bunch. However, he's been tremendously successful outside of Monty Python, so I'm sure he'll cope.
5. Terry Jones - I hate to leave out Gilliam, but half of my esteem for him comes from his non-Python directing efforts. So, I feel it's better to have Jones included for his terrific acting and cross-dressing.
Ryan's Top 5:
1. Michael Palin - I give Palin a slight nod over Cleese, so that someone else can change the order. Palin wrote a pretty good novel in Hemingway's Chair. He was, notably, the dead parrot salesman, the transvestite lumberjack, and the lead cardinal of The Spanish Inquisition.
2. John Cleese - Probably the most talented of the bunch, if we're being objective, which isn't exactly something I pride myself on (hi, my name is Ryan). Played loads of roles, but the ones that come to mind are the Minister of Silly Walks and the double vision leader of the proposed expedition to Kilimanjaro. He was also essentially the host of a lot of the episodes and And Now For Something Completely Different, and frequently narrated. Fawlty Towers is also hilarious, and really so is anything else he's in.
3. Graham Chapman - Probably the most dead of the bunch, if we're being objecti... oh, wait. Played King Arthur and Brian, and he was The Colonel.
4. Eric Idle - He wrote "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life," which really could make him #1. Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more.
5. Terry Gilliam - I thought about putting Jones here but The Pythons really wouldn't have been the same without their trademark cartoon animation, which even now is eminently and immediately recognizable. He was also great as Patsy in The Holy Grail.
It feels wrong not including Terry Jones, because he was a principal writer of some of the best sketches and also earns bonus points for penning the Labyrinth screenplay. But someone had to go to fit in the animator.
Dan's Top 5:
1. Michael Palin - Unlike Ryan's reasoning, mine is that he truly is my favorite Python. He seemed the most versatile, as well as the most Charismatic. Played practically everything in The Holy Grail, and a number of memorable roles in the television series.
2. Graham Chapman - Probably my favorite of what seemed to be the two "leaders," Chapman and Cleese. I loved the juxtaposition of straight-faced and absurd. Co-wrote “The Ministry of Silly Walks”, "Raymond Luxury Yacht", and “Dead Parrot.” Oh, and here is part of his memorial service.
3. Eric Idle - The musical talent of the group (apart from Neil Innes) and perhaps the most unique of the bunch (he wrote his material alone). Also responsible for "Spamalot," which I would love to see.
4. John Cleese - I really feel bad putting him this low, as it seems like he's one of the smartest of the bunch. However, he's been tremendously successful outside of Monty Python, so I'm sure he'll cope.
5. Terry Jones - I hate to leave out Gilliam, but half of my esteem for him comes from his non-Python directing efforts. So, I feel it's better to have Jones included for his terrific acting and cross-dressing.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Top 5 Breakfast Cereal Mascots
OK, what the hell? No new posts since Monday? Well, here's one for you that's completely accessible to anyone and everyone.
Dan's Top 5:
1. Tony The Tiger, Frosted Flakes - Not my favorite, but who am I to deny the king of breakfast cereal his rightful throne? The fact that he's great with kids and ultra-cool has thankfully diverted investigations of steroid abuse, of which I'm almost sure he's guily. I mean, look at the size of his upper body. A tiger isn't supposed to be able to bench-press that much.
2. Buzz Bee, Honey Nut Cheerios - Again, not so much my favorite, but do you remember that older Christmas commercial, wherein Buzz actually warmed the heart of the classic old miser, Ebenezer Scrooge? All with the power of a bowl of cold, yet tasty, breakfast cereal. That means Buzz had as powerful an effect as four ghostly spirits and a handful of grim lifetime experiences.
3. The Trix Rabbit, Trix - Talk about rotten luck. This guy never gets to enjoy what we would assume would be the standard perk of getting to enjoy the same cereal that you promote day in and day out. I remember there was a huge vote held as to whether the rabbit should be allowed to finally have a bowl... "While he is known to have previously enjoyed a bowl in 1976, following this public intervention in 1980 he has not succeeded in gaining access to Trix's fruity goodness again, and anti-rabbit sentiment persists within the animated juvenile community." God, I love Wikipedia.
4. L.C. "Lucky" Leprechaun, Lucky Charms - Really, Lucky is about on par with the Trix rabbit, the only difference being that he is actually defending what is rightfully his - his breakfast cereal. Then again, you can't feel too bad for him, as he has magic on his side. I suspect that at any point he could willfully set the thieving children ablaze, but instead lets them have their fun.
5. Count Chocula, Count Chocula - I didn't actually try this cereal until I was in college. Can you believe that? I can't, especially since it was promoted by the most amiable cartoon vampire ever, even accounting for Count Duckula. His image was cheapened by the existence of boo Berry and Frankenberry, even the Fruit Brute back in the day (see Tarantino's first two movies), but there's no denying that Count Chocula was king of the monsters.
Honorable mention: Sugar Bear (Golden Crisp), Sonny (Cocoa Puffs), Wendell the Baker (Cinnamon Toast Crunch)
Ryan's Top Five
Dan you ignorant slut. How dare you leave off El Capitan?
1. The Cap'n, Cap'n Crunch - O Captain! My Captain! This guy is so good at promoting children's breakfast food that Walt Whitman once wrote a famous poem in his honor--BEFORE HE WAS EVEN BORN. According not to wikipedia but to my own personal wealth of Cap'n knowledge, his full name is Cap'n Horatio Magellan Crunch. His parents no doubt named him after two well-known seafarers: Horatio Nelson and Ferdinand Magellan. With a name like that, how could one not grow up to become one of the best-known children's breakfast cereal nautical icons of the latter half of the twentieth century in the USA?
2. Tony the Tiger, Frosted Flakes - I won't quibble with you here, Dan. Who hasn't spend hours upon hours rehashing the tired drunken argument, "Who would win in a fight between Tony the Tiger and the Cap'n?" We all know so many variables come into play, but I ask again, as I have countless times before: does Tony have access to a cannon? I don't think so. Advantage: Cap'n.
3. Count Chocula, Count Chocula - Growing up, my dad was out of the house on frequent six-month deployments for the Navy. Occasionally in search of a male role model, I turned to Mr. Chocula, who taught me everything I know about manners, humility, and chocolate-flavored corn cereal bits and marshmallows.
4. Toucan Sam - Cereal mascots taught me most everything I know about the animal kingdom, like, for instance, that toucans and tigers can talk, and that they love cereal. Incidentally, Toucan Sam deserves special mention for being one of the greatest salesmen of his time; did you know that, despite the different colors of Froot Loops, they all have the same flavor? I've said it before and I'll say it again: Toucan Sam could sell a refrigerator to an Eskimo. Or an Inuit, rather.
5. The Trix Rabbit - May the children who taunt this rabbit so burn for all eternity in cereal hell (much more chocolatey than real hell).
Tim's Top 5:
1) Tony the Tiger - Frosted Flakes - No contest here, if he'd told me to smoke, I'd have done so, glad that I could fulfill his desire after turning something as wholesome as corn flakes into compressed lumps of high fructose corn syrup. They're grrrreat! is pretty much all I remember from years of Saturday morning cartoons and really all I remember post-Saturday morning cartoons also. This might be a sign of grave dangers ahead.
2) Cap'n Crunch - Note that he's not technically referred to as "Captain", just Cap'n, since he was banished from Her Majesty's navy after keelhauling Dig'Em the Frog. While he doesn't rank as high in my esteem as his naval superiors Captain Morgan or Admiral Nelson, he is a perfect marketing tool for cereal that provides 900% of your RDA of mouth-tearing crunchiness. Whether it's the absurd Village People sailor's uniform or the aged Ron Jeremy moustache, there's just something about the Cap'n that permits me to overlook the wanton homosexual overtones of the whole cereal.
3) Fruit Brute - There's a lot of camp value in a werewolf who feasts on fruity cereal...and he earns a lot of street cred just for being unsuccessful, because General Mills has its head up its ass when it comes to hawking cereal. Frankenberry is the best of the monster-based cereals, yet it's virtually impossible to find in a reputable grocery store, but you'll find Count Chocula in 7-11s nationwide like it's too hard to just go buy some cocoa puffs. (See #5)
4) Frankenberry - Count Chocula is a little too jocular to be selling chocolate, he's not even promoting a cereal that's reddish in tint. It's just utterly inappropriate, since vampires and chocolate are a total mismatch. However, a lust for Frankenberry was one of my strongest emotions in college, proving that it does in fact appeal to the undead. More importantly, it's hardly outlandish that if a person were constructed from the body parts of criminals, they would walk the earth in search of marshmallows. This is a fat country.
5) Sonny The Cuckoo Bird - Cocoa Puffs - Any cereal which promotes insanity = well worth your effort. I don't much care for the cereal itself, but given the additives and chemicals that have seeped into most everyday foods over the last two decades, it's only a matter of hours before Cocoa Puffs are in fact linked to schizophrenia and perhaps bird schizophrenia. Truth in advertising = it works.
Dishonorable mention: The Trix Rabbit for performing a valuable social service by informing young middle-class white children that their role in the world is to either oppress the needy or cause wanton pain in animals. Without you, Trix Rabbit, Michael Vick would just be a lousy quarterback, not a lousy quarterback with a zeal for murdering dogs; Fruity Pebbles because the Flintstones suck. Period.
Dan's Top 5:
1. Tony The Tiger, Frosted Flakes - Not my favorite, but who am I to deny the king of breakfast cereal his rightful throne? The fact that he's great with kids and ultra-cool has thankfully diverted investigations of steroid abuse, of which I'm almost sure he's guily. I mean, look at the size of his upper body. A tiger isn't supposed to be able to bench-press that much.
2. Buzz Bee, Honey Nut Cheerios - Again, not so much my favorite, but do you remember that older Christmas commercial, wherein Buzz actually warmed the heart of the classic old miser, Ebenezer Scrooge? All with the power of a bowl of cold, yet tasty, breakfast cereal. That means Buzz had as powerful an effect as four ghostly spirits and a handful of grim lifetime experiences.
3. The Trix Rabbit, Trix - Talk about rotten luck. This guy never gets to enjoy what we would assume would be the standard perk of getting to enjoy the same cereal that you promote day in and day out. I remember there was a huge vote held as to whether the rabbit should be allowed to finally have a bowl... "While he is known to have previously enjoyed a bowl in 1976, following this public intervention in 1980 he has not succeeded in gaining access to Trix's fruity goodness again, and anti-rabbit sentiment persists within the animated juvenile community." God, I love Wikipedia.
4. L.C. "Lucky" Leprechaun, Lucky Charms - Really, Lucky is about on par with the Trix rabbit, the only difference being that he is actually defending what is rightfully his - his breakfast cereal. Then again, you can't feel too bad for him, as he has magic on his side. I suspect that at any point he could willfully set the thieving children ablaze, but instead lets them have their fun.
5. Count Chocula, Count Chocula - I didn't actually try this cereal until I was in college. Can you believe that? I can't, especially since it was promoted by the most amiable cartoon vampire ever, even accounting for Count Duckula. His image was cheapened by the existence of boo Berry and Frankenberry, even the Fruit Brute back in the day (see Tarantino's first two movies), but there's no denying that Count Chocula was king of the monsters.
Honorable mention: Sugar Bear (Golden Crisp), Sonny (Cocoa Puffs), Wendell the Baker (Cinnamon Toast Crunch)
Ryan's Top Five
Dan you ignorant slut. How dare you leave off El Capitan?
1. The Cap'n, Cap'n Crunch - O Captain! My Captain! This guy is so good at promoting children's breakfast food that Walt Whitman once wrote a famous poem in his honor--BEFORE HE WAS EVEN BORN. According not to wikipedia but to my own personal wealth of Cap'n knowledge, his full name is Cap'n Horatio Magellan Crunch. His parents no doubt named him after two well-known seafarers: Horatio Nelson and Ferdinand Magellan. With a name like that, how could one not grow up to become one of the best-known children's breakfast cereal nautical icons of the latter half of the twentieth century in the USA?
2. Tony the Tiger, Frosted Flakes - I won't quibble with you here, Dan. Who hasn't spend hours upon hours rehashing the tired drunken argument, "Who would win in a fight between Tony the Tiger and the Cap'n?" We all know so many variables come into play, but I ask again, as I have countless times before: does Tony have access to a cannon? I don't think so. Advantage: Cap'n.
3. Count Chocula, Count Chocula - Growing up, my dad was out of the house on frequent six-month deployments for the Navy. Occasionally in search of a male role model, I turned to Mr. Chocula, who taught me everything I know about manners, humility, and chocolate-flavored corn cereal bits and marshmallows.
4. Toucan Sam - Cereal mascots taught me most everything I know about the animal kingdom, like, for instance, that toucans and tigers can talk, and that they love cereal. Incidentally, Toucan Sam deserves special mention for being one of the greatest salesmen of his time; did you know that, despite the different colors of Froot Loops, they all have the same flavor? I've said it before and I'll say it again: Toucan Sam could sell a refrigerator to an Eskimo. Or an Inuit, rather.
5. The Trix Rabbit - May the children who taunt this rabbit so burn for all eternity in cereal hell (much more chocolatey than real hell).
Tim's Top 5:
1) Tony the Tiger - Frosted Flakes - No contest here, if he'd told me to smoke, I'd have done so, glad that I could fulfill his desire after turning something as wholesome as corn flakes into compressed lumps of high fructose corn syrup. They're grrrreat! is pretty much all I remember from years of Saturday morning cartoons and really all I remember post-Saturday morning cartoons also. This might be a sign of grave dangers ahead.
2) Cap'n Crunch - Note that he's not technically referred to as "Captain", just Cap'n, since he was banished from Her Majesty's navy after keelhauling Dig'Em the Frog. While he doesn't rank as high in my esteem as his naval superiors Captain Morgan or Admiral Nelson, he is a perfect marketing tool for cereal that provides 900% of your RDA of mouth-tearing crunchiness. Whether it's the absurd Village People sailor's uniform or the aged Ron Jeremy moustache, there's just something about the Cap'n that permits me to overlook the wanton homosexual overtones of the whole cereal.
3) Fruit Brute - There's a lot of camp value in a werewolf who feasts on fruity cereal...and he earns a lot of street cred just for being unsuccessful, because General Mills has its head up its ass when it comes to hawking cereal. Frankenberry is the best of the monster-based cereals, yet it's virtually impossible to find in a reputable grocery store, but you'll find Count Chocula in 7-11s nationwide like it's too hard to just go buy some cocoa puffs. (See #5)
4) Frankenberry - Count Chocula is a little too jocular to be selling chocolate, he's not even promoting a cereal that's reddish in tint. It's just utterly inappropriate, since vampires and chocolate are a total mismatch. However, a lust for Frankenberry was one of my strongest emotions in college, proving that it does in fact appeal to the undead. More importantly, it's hardly outlandish that if a person were constructed from the body parts of criminals, they would walk the earth in search of marshmallows. This is a fat country.
5) Sonny The Cuckoo Bird - Cocoa Puffs - Any cereal which promotes insanity = well worth your effort. I don't much care for the cereal itself, but given the additives and chemicals that have seeped into most everyday foods over the last two decades, it's only a matter of hours before Cocoa Puffs are in fact linked to schizophrenia and perhaps bird schizophrenia. Truth in advertising = it works.
Dishonorable mention: The Trix Rabbit for performing a valuable social service by informing young middle-class white children that their role in the world is to either oppress the needy or cause wanton pain in animals. Without you, Trix Rabbit, Michael Vick would just be a lousy quarterback, not a lousy quarterback with a zeal for murdering dogs; Fruity Pebbles because the Flintstones suck. Period.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Top 5 Worst Talking Heads
You know, talking heads. Politicos. Pundits. The scum of the earth.
Ryan's Top Five
1. Ann Coulter - The ice queen. She deserves whatever sick circle of hell she lands in. It takes a lot of insane courage to accuse 9/11 widows of profiteering. And arguing we should invade the Middle East and impose Christianity? Brilliance.
2. Bill O'Reilly - There are times when he's so ludicrous, and seemingly on the verge of laughing, that you think that maybe, just maybe, this is all one big joke he's playing on all of us. But, no, I'm afraid he's not. Which really makes him even more evil, when you think about it. Thus, he narrowly beats out the rest of the pack for second place. Bonus Evil Points for penning "The O'Reilly Factor For Kids," which I'm assuming didn't have a chapter on incorporating loofahs into shower sex with coworkers who aren't interested.
3. Tucker Carlson - This was a tough call, between Tucker and Sean Hannity. Tucker Carlson is one of those jackasses you knew in college who loved to debate anything--anything on earth, ever--just so that they could sound intelligent in some vague alternate universe where the bow-tie'ed people lead the hip set. In many ways I hate him more than O'Reilly. But, you know. Tomato, toh-mah-toe.
4. Sean Hannity - He's probably ranked this low because I've never had the appropriately masochistic attention span to leave his show on for longer than five minutes. But, what I have seen, is, wow.
5. Glenn Beck - This guy loses the style points requisite for a higher ranking by the fact that he's just plain dumb. Dumber than the previous four. I'm being painfully honest when I say I've not heard him say one thing that makes any kind of remote sense.
Dishonorable mentions: Rush Limbaugh (I'm sure, worse than some of my five, but I never encounter him, so he lucks out), Michael Savage, Nancy Grace. Anyone on Fox News, which is in no way affiliated with Ryan Fox.
Tim's Top 5
I have eschewed television and terrestrial radio for quite some time now, so I really have little to no basis to respond to this question. Hence, I will do so now.
1. Ann Coulter - Definitely difficult since she's not really given her own mouthpiece, so you just have to wait for the four or five times a year she says something so annoying, so obnoxious, that you are intimately aware that at some level even she thinks she's a blowhard.
2. Rush Limbaugh - While Ryan might have successfully avoided Limbaugh, I can make no such claims. But he scores this high on the list for three primary reasons: 1) blatant hypocrisy, 2) attempting to ruin ESPN, and 3) self-definition. Obviously he and Glenn Beck are both guilty of #1, given that they both have serious issues with drug abuse while condemning anyone more pigmented for dealing drugs that aren't oxycontin. #2 is obvious, I can't believe I left it off my list before on the curses of ESPN, but the fact that football after Sunday at 7 p.m. is meant for gamblers and obsessives who have no jobs really limited my encounters on that token. But, like the Republican Party (GOP, my ass) and Fox News (where we can copyright "fair and balanced"), I loathe Rush Limbaugh for his attempt to define himself into greatness through the "EIB Network". EIB = excellence in broadcasting. BULLSHIT (no acronym necessary).
3. Dr. James Dobson - He doesn't have a TV show, but he's just as bad. He scores extra bonus points for referring to my work on a personal level. Thanks, Dr. Dobson...that really made my day when I was stuck driving through rural eastern Pennsylvania and was desperate to find any radio station...and managed to hear you talking about it. Seriously, well done. Focus on being less retarded -- then start thinking about starting a family. Just a thought.
4. Sean Hannity - I've tried, over and over, to listen to this guy and see if I can do so without becoming furious. I can't. He is the master of the specious argument and rarely dabbles in anything else. My favorite case in point was in 2004 when a teenager called in to praise John Kerry, leaving Hannity to respond that John Kerry flies to his campaign appearances in a private jet that he bought...but President Bush does not own a private jet...clearly Bush cares more about the environment because he wouldn't use a private jet for those purposes. Seriously. This was an argument he made. Anyone who couldn't recall the name of the Harrison Ford action film that rendered this argument utterly pathetic...well, they ought not have the right to vote. But hey, if Kerry cared about the environment, he'd have already been elected in 2000 so he too could fly on Air Force One...not on a private jet.
5. Bill O'Reilly - I can let Keith Olbermann fight this battle for me, he does a better job than I would. O'Reilly still pretends to be a political independent, which is such a fraud that it really inspires some serious hatred on my part. O'Reilly is evil and resolves arguments by just talking over people, but without him, The Colbert Report would never have come into existence, which really puts him on the list of great American heroes. Apparently we had to destroy the village to save it.
Also in the running: Michael Savage for claiming to be non-partisan. Glenn Beck, Randi Rhoades, and Janeane Garofalo. Beck is a jackass, Rhoades and Garofalo emphasize just why Air America is such a bad idea -- because pundits who are always in one camp are bad, regardless of whether I agree with them 80% of the time or 10% of the time. Oh, and dating Ben Stiller doesn't imbue one with a sense of political brilliance.
Dan's Top 5:
1. Bill O'Reilly - Fuck this douchebag.
2. Ann Coulter - Fuck this douchebag.
3. Rush Limbaugh - Fuck this douchebag.
4. Sean Hannity - Fuck this douchebag.
5. Michael Savage - Fuck this douchebag.
Ryan's Top Five
1. Ann Coulter - The ice queen. She deserves whatever sick circle of hell she lands in. It takes a lot of insane courage to accuse 9/11 widows of profiteering. And arguing we should invade the Middle East and impose Christianity? Brilliance.
2. Bill O'Reilly - There are times when he's so ludicrous, and seemingly on the verge of laughing, that you think that maybe, just maybe, this is all one big joke he's playing on all of us. But, no, I'm afraid he's not. Which really makes him even more evil, when you think about it. Thus, he narrowly beats out the rest of the pack for second place. Bonus Evil Points for penning "The O'Reilly Factor For Kids," which I'm assuming didn't have a chapter on incorporating loofahs into shower sex with coworkers who aren't interested.
3. Tucker Carlson - This was a tough call, between Tucker and Sean Hannity. Tucker Carlson is one of those jackasses you knew in college who loved to debate anything--anything on earth, ever--just so that they could sound intelligent in some vague alternate universe where the bow-tie'ed people lead the hip set. In many ways I hate him more than O'Reilly. But, you know. Tomato, toh-mah-toe.
4. Sean Hannity - He's probably ranked this low because I've never had the appropriately masochistic attention span to leave his show on for longer than five minutes. But, what I have seen, is, wow.
5. Glenn Beck - This guy loses the style points requisite for a higher ranking by the fact that he's just plain dumb. Dumber than the previous four. I'm being painfully honest when I say I've not heard him say one thing that makes any kind of remote sense.
Dishonorable mentions: Rush Limbaugh (I'm sure, worse than some of my five, but I never encounter him, so he lucks out), Michael Savage, Nancy Grace. Anyone on Fox News, which is in no way affiliated with Ryan Fox.
Tim's Top 5
I have eschewed television and terrestrial radio for quite some time now, so I really have little to no basis to respond to this question. Hence, I will do so now.
1. Ann Coulter - Definitely difficult since she's not really given her own mouthpiece, so you just have to wait for the four or five times a year she says something so annoying, so obnoxious, that you are intimately aware that at some level even she thinks she's a blowhard.
2. Rush Limbaugh - While Ryan might have successfully avoided Limbaugh, I can make no such claims. But he scores this high on the list for three primary reasons: 1) blatant hypocrisy, 2) attempting to ruin ESPN, and 3) self-definition. Obviously he and Glenn Beck are both guilty of #1, given that they both have serious issues with drug abuse while condemning anyone more pigmented for dealing drugs that aren't oxycontin. #2 is obvious, I can't believe I left it off my list before on the curses of ESPN, but the fact that football after Sunday at 7 p.m. is meant for gamblers and obsessives who have no jobs really limited my encounters on that token. But, like the Republican Party (GOP, my ass) and Fox News (where we can copyright "fair and balanced"), I loathe Rush Limbaugh for his attempt to define himself into greatness through the "EIB Network". EIB = excellence in broadcasting. BULLSHIT (no acronym necessary).
3. Dr. James Dobson - He doesn't have a TV show, but he's just as bad. He scores extra bonus points for referring to my work on a personal level. Thanks, Dr. Dobson...that really made my day when I was stuck driving through rural eastern Pennsylvania and was desperate to find any radio station...and managed to hear you talking about it. Seriously, well done. Focus on being less retarded -- then start thinking about starting a family. Just a thought.
4. Sean Hannity - I've tried, over and over, to listen to this guy and see if I can do so without becoming furious. I can't. He is the master of the specious argument and rarely dabbles in anything else. My favorite case in point was in 2004 when a teenager called in to praise John Kerry, leaving Hannity to respond that John Kerry flies to his campaign appearances in a private jet that he bought...but President Bush does not own a private jet...clearly Bush cares more about the environment because he wouldn't use a private jet for those purposes. Seriously. This was an argument he made. Anyone who couldn't recall the name of the Harrison Ford action film that rendered this argument utterly pathetic...well, they ought not have the right to vote. But hey, if Kerry cared about the environment, he'd have already been elected in 2000 so he too could fly on Air Force One...not on a private jet.
5. Bill O'Reilly - I can let Keith Olbermann fight this battle for me, he does a better job than I would. O'Reilly still pretends to be a political independent, which is such a fraud that it really inspires some serious hatred on my part. O'Reilly is evil and resolves arguments by just talking over people, but without him, The Colbert Report would never have come into existence, which really puts him on the list of great American heroes. Apparently we had to destroy the village to save it.
Also in the running: Michael Savage for claiming to be non-partisan. Glenn Beck, Randi Rhoades, and Janeane Garofalo. Beck is a jackass, Rhoades and Garofalo emphasize just why Air America is such a bad idea -- because pundits who are always in one camp are bad, regardless of whether I agree with them 80% of the time or 10% of the time. Oh, and dating Ben Stiller doesn't imbue one with a sense of political brilliance.
Dan's Top 5:
1. Bill O'Reilly - Fuck this douchebag.
2. Ann Coulter - Fuck this douchebag.
3. Rush Limbaugh - Fuck this douchebag.
4. Sean Hannity - Fuck this douchebag.
5. Michael Savage - Fuck this douchebag.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Top 5 TV Shows, 1990-1999
Defined however you wish--you can include dramas if you want, but, meh on this end. I'm going with shows that had their prominent run in the 90s--so, though The Simpsons debuted in the 80s, it was 90s show. By that same token, I don't consider Cheers a 90s show, but you may disagree.
Ryan's Top 5:
1. The Simpsons - The greatest TV show ever made, bar none.
2. Seinfeld - The early seasons were a bit sketchy, but you accept it because after season 2 the series was perfection.
3. The Critic - I wish the series were longer than it is, but it's still excellent. Really the only non-kid-centric animated show that has truly achieved what every show aspires to: a funny show that is similar to, but not a complete ripoff of, The Simpsons.
4. Frasier - Excellent writing and a cast that gelled. David Hyde Pierce is hilarious. (If you don't believe me, rent Wet Hot American Summer. Or, you know, Frasier.)
5. Friends - I'm not sure how comfortable I feel putting this here, because I like 1-4 a lot more, but it really was better than most TV shows. Unless I'm forgetting something obvious.
5. Saturday Night Live, 1990-1996 - OK, maybe I'm breaking my rules here a bit. SNL has become so bad that it's easy to forget a time when it had some of the best comedy on TV. There were occasional funny moments after 1996, but I figure that's the season where it ceased being better than most other shows on TV. From 91-95, SNL was the TV event I most looked forward to week to week, aside from Seinfeld and Simpsons.
Honorable mentions: The Wonder Years (I count it an 80s show), Northern Exposure, Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, Doug, Pete & Pete. If I'm going solely for personal favorites I'd put Doug at about #2-3, but, you know. Occasionally I try to be objective.
Dan's Top 5:
I should note that my list, if I were truly being accurate, would be a carbon copy of Ryan's. Well, with possible exception of #5, as I didn't really like "Friends" too much, though it probably belongs there just out of sheer cultural relevance. With that in mind, I am going to refrain from using any of his shows in my list for the sake of diversity. Now that that's out of the way...
1. The X-Files - I should say that I never watched this show regularly, but it always interested me. Obviously it interested a lot of people, as they released a movie before the series was even over. Another fairly unique concept, though - a paranormal mystery show. If you really think about it, the success of this show really coincided with the anti-government sentiment and conspiracy theory mentality of the time. A real zeitgeist show. My first encounter with the show was season 2, episode 2 - "The Host," which is apparently a classic.
2. The Wonder Years - I love the concept: a middle-to-high-school comedy/drama set twenty years prior and not in front of a studio audience. The show was accessible to all while still addressing the events and issues of the time depicted. Also features Daniel stern in his only respectable role as the protagonist narrator.
3. Dinosaurs - The show that everyone forgets about. Another sitcom, this one was remarkable in that it was made with a cast of nothing but Jim Henson creatures. When you look back at it, it really was a fairly good parody of modern human society, with a number of topical issues arising, as in every good sitcom. Nonetheless, it was pretty fun to watch.
4. Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? - I would watch this religiously every afternoon, and really, this show, when coupled with the Carmen Sandiego board game I had, is responsible for 90% of my knowledge of geography. Also features probably the best damn theme song ever, and is the second-longest-running kid's game show on record (Double Dare being the longest).
5. Family Matters - Probably one of the better sitcoms of the decade. For better or worse, this was the show responsible for the Steve Urkel sensation, which got annoying after a while, especially as the series became more and more dependent on the character. By the end, it was a comedy not about an African-American family's daily life, but about a mad scientist teenager's latest invention. Nonetheless, it comes in second only to The Jeffersons as one of the longest-running sitcoms with a predominantly black cast.
Tory's Top 5:
1. Frasier - This is my personal favorite. Everything about this show is perfect.
2. The Simpsons - Number 1 and 2 are so hard to differentiate between. They're almost neck and neck, but I just love Frasier.
3. Seinfeld - Though I am not the biggest fan of this how, I understand its brilliance.
4. Everybody Loves Raymond - Every single show was a hit. There were no misses.
5. Boy Meets World - I think this show gets overlooked because of its beginning seasons that weren't quite as good as its latter years. People seem to see it as a younger more family oriented show in the vein of Full House, where it is actually surprisingly smart.
Honorable mentions: The Critic, it's bad when you haven't seen all of the episodes of a show with 20-something episodes; Friends; 3rd Rock from the sun, which seems commonly forgotten about.
Tim's Top 5:
1) The Simpsons - No argument with Ryan here, as much as I may love the others on the list, this was great for an entire decade, and I'm learning as they release more DVD seasons that it's hard to not be wistful even for mediocre things like Season 11, just because it's been so long since I've seen them.
2) Mystery Science Theater 3000 - This was really revolutionarily awesome and got me into movies, comedy, and lack of a social life -- three passions I continue to this day.
3) Seinfeld - It took me a couple years to get into it, but every season is essential owning.
4) Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist - Yeah, it turns out that my habit of watching only two channels is not so new after all.
5) NewsRadio - Ok, forget the post-Phil Hartman stuff, yes, Andy Dick is annoying, but NewsRadio was a really high-quality show.
Honorable mention: Picket Fences, The Critic (its greatness has been partly ruined by the fact that I saw every episode 40 times during its reruns on Comedy Central), SportsCenter, The Awful Truth (half the show was in 2000, but half the show wasn't very much).
Ryan's Top 5:
1. The Simpsons - The greatest TV show ever made, bar none.
2. Seinfeld - The early seasons were a bit sketchy, but you accept it because after season 2 the series was perfection.
3. The Critic - I wish the series were longer than it is, but it's still excellent. Really the only non-kid-centric animated show that has truly achieved what every show aspires to: a funny show that is similar to, but not a complete ripoff of, The Simpsons.
4. Frasier - Excellent writing and a cast that gelled. David Hyde Pierce is hilarious. (If you don't believe me, rent Wet Hot American Summer. Or, you know, Frasier.)
5. Saturday Night Live, 1990-1996 - OK, maybe I'm breaking my rules here a bit. SNL has become so bad that it's easy to forget a time when it had some of the best comedy on TV. There were occasional funny moments after 1996, but I figure that's the season where it ceased being better than most other shows on TV. From 91-95, SNL was the TV event I most looked forward to week to week, aside from Seinfeld and Simpsons.
Honorable mentions: The Wonder Years (I count it an 80s show), Northern Exposure, Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, Doug, Pete & Pete. If I'm going solely for personal favorites I'd put Doug at about #2-3, but, you know. Occasionally I try to be objective.
Dan's Top 5:
I should note that my list, if I were truly being accurate, would be a carbon copy of Ryan's. Well, with possible exception of #5, as I didn't really like "Friends" too much, though it probably belongs there just out of sheer cultural relevance. With that in mind, I am going to refrain from using any of his shows in my list for the sake of diversity. Now that that's out of the way...
1. The X-Files - I should say that I never watched this show regularly, but it always interested me. Obviously it interested a lot of people, as they released a movie before the series was even over. Another fairly unique concept, though - a paranormal mystery show. If you really think about it, the success of this show really coincided with the anti-government sentiment and conspiracy theory mentality of the time. A real zeitgeist show. My first encounter with the show was season 2, episode 2 - "The Host," which is apparently a classic.
2. The Wonder Years - I love the concept: a middle-to-high-school comedy/drama set twenty years prior and not in front of a studio audience. The show was accessible to all while still addressing the events and issues of the time depicted. Also features Daniel stern in his only respectable role as the protagonist narrator.
3. Dinosaurs - The show that everyone forgets about. Another sitcom, this one was remarkable in that it was made with a cast of nothing but Jim Henson creatures. When you look back at it, it really was a fairly good parody of modern human society, with a number of topical issues arising, as in every good sitcom. Nonetheless, it was pretty fun to watch.
4. Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? - I would watch this religiously every afternoon, and really, this show, when coupled with the Carmen Sandiego board game I had, is responsible for 90% of my knowledge of geography. Also features probably the best damn theme song ever, and is the second-longest-running kid's game show on record (Double Dare being the longest).
5. Family Matters - Probably one of the better sitcoms of the decade. For better or worse, this was the show responsible for the Steve Urkel sensation, which got annoying after a while, especially as the series became more and more dependent on the character. By the end, it was a comedy not about an African-American family's daily life, but about a mad scientist teenager's latest invention. Nonetheless, it comes in second only to The Jeffersons as one of the longest-running sitcoms with a predominantly black cast.
Tory's Top 5:
1. Frasier - This is my personal favorite. Everything about this show is perfect.
2. The Simpsons - Number 1 and 2 are so hard to differentiate between. They're almost neck and neck, but I just love Frasier.
3. Seinfeld - Though I am not the biggest fan of this how, I understand its brilliance.
4. Everybody Loves Raymond - Every single show was a hit. There were no misses.
5. Boy Meets World - I think this show gets overlooked because of its beginning seasons that weren't quite as good as its latter years. People seem to see it as a younger more family oriented show in the vein of Full House, where it is actually surprisingly smart.
Honorable mentions: The Critic, it's bad when you haven't seen all of the episodes of a show with 20-something episodes; Friends; 3rd Rock from the sun, which seems commonly forgotten about.
Tim's Top 5:
1) The Simpsons - No argument with Ryan here, as much as I may love the others on the list, this was great for an entire decade, and I'm learning as they release more DVD seasons that it's hard to not be wistful even for mediocre things like Season 11, just because it's been so long since I've seen them.
2) Mystery Science Theater 3000 - This was really revolutionarily awesome and got me into movies, comedy, and lack of a social life -- three passions I continue to this day.
3) Seinfeld - It took me a couple years to get into it, but every season is essential owning.
4) Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist - Yeah, it turns out that my habit of watching only two channels is not so new after all.
5) NewsRadio - Ok, forget the post-Phil Hartman stuff, yes, Andy Dick is annoying, but NewsRadio was a really high-quality show.
Honorable mention: Picket Fences, The Critic (its greatness has been partly ruined by the fact that I saw every episode 40 times during its reruns on Comedy Central), SportsCenter, The Awful Truth (half the show was in 2000, but half the show wasn't very much).
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Top 5 Comedy Central Shows (past and present)
Tim's Top 5:
Note: This list does not include shows that Comedy Central simply re-runs, for all you people who love Scrubs so much that you think it excuses Comedy Central from their God-given duty to broadcast The Colbert Report 8 times a day, so it's actually on when I'm there to watch TV.
1) Mystery Science Theater 3000 - This was a struggle, but I gave many years of my life to this show and have now spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars acquiring its episodes, many sight unseen. It was the best concept on television and it was the best writing on television and it was utterly incomprehensible television. The fact that it ever aired in any format is astounding, given that episodes run two hours and aren't readily abridged (the Mystery Science Theater Hour in syndication tried, but it was just a dumb idea as a practical matter). Without this show, most people would never have encountered anything more than Gigli in the world of bad movies...but now one can invoke Manos, The Hands of Fate and actually find discussion partners.
2) The Colbert Report - Where the Daily Show failed by being boringly political -- it doesn't take satire to make President Bush look incompetent, it takes accurate reporting -- the Colbert Report succeeded. It's had its downsides, the special reports are usually not particularly special, but every episode of this show is guaranteed to have something funny in it. It's second on this list -- the fightin' second! -- but it's second to none. Barry Manilow should really return his ill-gotten Emmy.
3) Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist - This is, all told, one of the lamest concepts for a television show ever created. Described in the abstract, you just have to wonder how it ever aired, before realizing the mess that Comedy Central was ten years ago when its primary show was SNL re-runs (sure beats Mad TV reruns, all told). So you take a comedian and have him ask questions as if he were a therapist and all his clients are stand-up comedians who use the questions to do their material. It sounds awful, but it's amazing and never had any chance to jump the shark before it got yanked. It had its weaker episodes -- Dom Irrera is not funny and he's on half a dozen, Joy Behar is annoying, Garry Shandling's not particularly funny -- but it introduced much of the world to people like Todd Barry, Steven Wright, Louie C.K., and so on.
4) South Park - The last two seasons may have undone all the goodwill that Trey Parker and Matt Stone had gotten from surprising me with adequacy for seasons 2-8. I had given up on the show early -- the Mr. Hankey episode was, and is, inane. It's less dreadful now than it was at the time, but it gave me good cause to stop watching. Then DVD solved that problem, and I found out it was pretty funny most of the way through. But Cartoon Wars was pretty damn lame, Manbearpig was the dumbest 22 minutes of my lifetime, and the specter of Timmy is in the distant past.
5) The Daily Show - It was not that good at first, great for a while, and then faded into mediocrity after Stephen Colbert left, joining Steve Carell in the list of people who have gone on to better things. Still, for a channel that was an afterthought, The Daily Show was probably the show that really vaulted it into the ordinary tier on cable packages. Back in my MST3K days, it wasn't uncommon to encounter cable systems without Comedy Central. Thankfully, I did not suffer through that strife for long.
There are no honorable mentions, all that's left is awful, awful, awful. No matter how many people tell me Strangers With Candy was awesome (see, no doubt, Dan's Top 5), I have never been able to force myself to watch more than thirty seconds and I need not reconsider my position. AWFUL.
Ryan's Top 5:
I have a feeling I'd be putting MST3K in here somewhere, as the few I've seen have been brilliant--but I haven't really seen enough to feel good about slotting it in the Top 5. What I have seen I saw about 15 years ago, no less. And also, after looking at this helpful list from what should have been my #1-rated website (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_programs_broadcast_by_Comedy_Central), I see that you are absolutely right, Tim, in having no honorable mentions. Mind of Mencia is bad, but obviously so--I had forgotten about the countless terrible shows of yore. That's My Bush! - shudder.
1. The Colbert Report - In my mind, definitely the finest show Comedy Central has ever had a part in. Tim pretty much nails my sentiments, but I'll add that Stephen Colbert gets extra cool points from me for his ability to make conservatives think he's actually on their side. And unlike almost any other talk show, I actually don't change the channel during the guest segments. And the Threatdown, oh man, the Threatdown...brilliance.
2. Chappelle's Show - I don't think this is as brilliant as a lot of its devout fans make it out to be, but when this show's good it's really good. (It can also miss occasionally.) The Wayne Brady episode was classic, and the black white supremacist was pretty good. Negative cool points for inspiring Mind of Mencia, possibly the worst show in Comedy Central history.
3. The Daily Show - If I'm being honest I'd probably rate this #2, but it's really slipped the past few years. It's still one of the better shows on TV, but I mean...it's lazily funny. Guess what, if a show has a liberal viewpoint and a decent sense of humor it will get me to watch it. Colbert does the same thing TDS tries to do but with real humor. That being said, some of the newer correspondents are really promising: John Oliver, Demetri Martin, ... that's all that comes to mind.
4. South Park - Used to be a lot better than it is now. I mean, wow--the Oprah episode was 30 minutes of my life that I'll never get back. I'd like to see more Butters, Timmy, and Jimmy.
5. The Sarah Silverman Program - Sure I've only seen a few episodes, but they were really, really good. And it's either this or Win Ben Stein's Money, the last show in which Jimmy Kimmel didn't inspire strangling.
Honorable mentions: Beat the Geeks, VS., Ben Stein's Money. Not Top 5 material but not bad.
Tory's Top 5:
1. Chappelle's Show - As good as my number 2 is, I am not completely politically charged so Colbert isn't able to pull me in quite as much as Chappelle was. I also feel that the two seasons (and a couple of segments from the lost episodes) were the two funniest seasons of any sketch comedy show.
2. Colbert Report - Despite claiming to not have a political charge, I still do love Colbert. Steven vs. Steven I wish was on it more, as well as the threat down... or that they were on whenever I remembered to watch.
3. Crossballs - It is a true shame that this wasn't watched by too many people, because it was just as poignant as Colbert, and shared a lot of the same themes ie getting others to believe that a comedian was actually a professional on whatever subject. The episode about marijuana was one of the funniest things I've ever seen when you take into account the comment ticker going throughout the show.
4. Man Show - I am a huge Adam Carolla fan, even if Jimmy Kimmel is not that funny, this show survived on the antics of the two together; specifically the episode when Adam takes his mother out on a date under the guise that every man wants a woman like his mother.
5. Insomniac - Dave Attell is hilarious. This show starts out with a very short stand up from him. The remainder of the show isn't extremely comical, but it does succeed in being one of the most interesting/intriguing show on comedy central.
Honorable mentions: Daily Show, Jon Stewart kept this from being on my list; South Park.
Dan's Top 5:
1. Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Everything Tim said is correct. I had actually forgotten that this had switched over to Comedy Central before making the jump to the SciFi channel (to date the only reason I'd ever watch the latter.) The only reason I'd ever not love an episode of this program is if the movie in question was just too painful to watch (Manos, the Hands of Fate was the only one to pass my movie pain threshold and still remain enjoyable due to good comedy). Notable favorite episodes include: Pumaman, Manos the Hands of Fate, Jack Frost, Space Mutiny, and The Sinister Urge. Of course, a majority of these aired on SciFi, but hey, it's the same series.
2. Strangers with Candy - I'll admit that for the longest time, the commercials for this program just struck a sour note with me - it just didn't seem like something I'd want to watch at all. However, after recently watching the series on DVD and learning that both Amy Sedaris and Stephen Colbert are geniuses, I love this show. The humor isn't the best in the world, but I feel the highlight is the delivery, primarily by Colbert and Greg Hollimon. Sorry, Tim, but I like this one.
3. The Colbert Report - Whenever I visit home, I use my laptop in the den, where the TV is, and for a while I'd be forced to watch the O'Riley Factor. Having to actually watch that shit really made me appreciate Colbert so much more.
4. Win Ben Stein's Money - A nice, moderately hard television quiz show. The series was full of things that I like: a face-off round with isolation booths, pop song references at the top of the show, innuendo in category titles, and Jimmy Kimmel getting the boot and being replaced with a hot chick.
5. Insomniac with Dave Attell - Thanks, Tory. I was about to consider The Daily Show as #5, but this is a better choice. This wasn't a side-splitting show, but it was unique and entertaining enough.
And now a variation of honorable mentions: Good shows that have declined too much for inclusion - The Daily Show, South Park.
Note: This list does not include shows that Comedy Central simply re-runs, for all you people who love Scrubs so much that you think it excuses Comedy Central from their God-given duty to broadcast The Colbert Report 8 times a day, so it's actually on when I'm there to watch TV.
1) Mystery Science Theater 3000 - This was a struggle, but I gave many years of my life to this show and have now spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars acquiring its episodes, many sight unseen. It was the best concept on television and it was the best writing on television and it was utterly incomprehensible television. The fact that it ever aired in any format is astounding, given that episodes run two hours and aren't readily abridged (the Mystery Science Theater Hour in syndication tried, but it was just a dumb idea as a practical matter). Without this show, most people would never have encountered anything more than Gigli in the world of bad movies...but now one can invoke Manos, The Hands of Fate and actually find discussion partners.
2) The Colbert Report - Where the Daily Show failed by being boringly political -- it doesn't take satire to make President Bush look incompetent, it takes accurate reporting -- the Colbert Report succeeded. It's had its downsides, the special reports are usually not particularly special, but every episode of this show is guaranteed to have something funny in it. It's second on this list -- the fightin' second! -- but it's second to none. Barry Manilow should really return his ill-gotten Emmy.
3) Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist - This is, all told, one of the lamest concepts for a television show ever created. Described in the abstract, you just have to wonder how it ever aired, before realizing the mess that Comedy Central was ten years ago when its primary show was SNL re-runs (sure beats Mad TV reruns, all told). So you take a comedian and have him ask questions as if he were a therapist and all his clients are stand-up comedians who use the questions to do their material. It sounds awful, but it's amazing and never had any chance to jump the shark before it got yanked. It had its weaker episodes -- Dom Irrera is not funny and he's on half a dozen, Joy Behar is annoying, Garry Shandling's not particularly funny -- but it introduced much of the world to people like Todd Barry, Steven Wright, Louie C.K., and so on.
4) South Park - The last two seasons may have undone all the goodwill that Trey Parker and Matt Stone had gotten from surprising me with adequacy for seasons 2-8. I had given up on the show early -- the Mr. Hankey episode was, and is, inane. It's less dreadful now than it was at the time, but it gave me good cause to stop watching. Then DVD solved that problem, and I found out it was pretty funny most of the way through. But Cartoon Wars was pretty damn lame, Manbearpig was the dumbest 22 minutes of my lifetime, and the specter of Timmy is in the distant past.
5) The Daily Show - It was not that good at first, great for a while, and then faded into mediocrity after Stephen Colbert left, joining Steve Carell in the list of people who have gone on to better things. Still, for a channel that was an afterthought, The Daily Show was probably the show that really vaulted it into the ordinary tier on cable packages. Back in my MST3K days, it wasn't uncommon to encounter cable systems without Comedy Central. Thankfully, I did not suffer through that strife for long.
There are no honorable mentions, all that's left is awful, awful, awful. No matter how many people tell me Strangers With Candy was awesome (see, no doubt, Dan's Top 5), I have never been able to force myself to watch more than thirty seconds and I need not reconsider my position. AWFUL.
Ryan's Top 5:
I have a feeling I'd be putting MST3K in here somewhere, as the few I've seen have been brilliant--but I haven't really seen enough to feel good about slotting it in the Top 5. What I have seen I saw about 15 years ago, no less. And also, after looking at this helpful list from what should have been my #1-rated website (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_programs_broadcast_by_Comedy_Central), I see that you are absolutely right, Tim, in having no honorable mentions. Mind of Mencia is bad, but obviously so--I had forgotten about the countless terrible shows of yore. That's My Bush! - shudder.
1. The Colbert Report - In my mind, definitely the finest show Comedy Central has ever had a part in. Tim pretty much nails my sentiments, but I'll add that Stephen Colbert gets extra cool points from me for his ability to make conservatives think he's actually on their side. And unlike almost any other talk show, I actually don't change the channel during the guest segments. And the Threatdown, oh man, the Threatdown...brilliance.
2. Chappelle's Show - I don't think this is as brilliant as a lot of its devout fans make it out to be, but when this show's good it's really good. (It can also miss occasionally.) The Wayne Brady episode was classic, and the black white supremacist was pretty good. Negative cool points for inspiring Mind of Mencia, possibly the worst show in Comedy Central history.
3. The Daily Show - If I'm being honest I'd probably rate this #2, but it's really slipped the past few years. It's still one of the better shows on TV, but I mean...it's lazily funny. Guess what, if a show has a liberal viewpoint and a decent sense of humor it will get me to watch it. Colbert does the same thing TDS tries to do but with real humor. That being said, some of the newer correspondents are really promising: John Oliver, Demetri Martin, ... that's all that comes to mind.
4. South Park - Used to be a lot better than it is now. I mean, wow--the Oprah episode was 30 minutes of my life that I'll never get back. I'd like to see more Butters, Timmy, and Jimmy.
5. The Sarah Silverman Program - Sure I've only seen a few episodes, but they were really, really good. And it's either this or Win Ben Stein's Money, the last show in which Jimmy Kimmel didn't inspire strangling.
Honorable mentions: Beat the Geeks, VS., Ben Stein's Money. Not Top 5 material but not bad.
Tory's Top 5:
1. Chappelle's Show - As good as my number 2 is, I am not completely politically charged so Colbert isn't able to pull me in quite as much as Chappelle was. I also feel that the two seasons (and a couple of segments from the lost episodes) were the two funniest seasons of any sketch comedy show.
2. Colbert Report - Despite claiming to not have a political charge, I still do love Colbert. Steven vs. Steven I wish was on it more, as well as the threat down... or that they were on whenever I remembered to watch.
3. Crossballs - It is a true shame that this wasn't watched by too many people, because it was just as poignant as Colbert, and shared a lot of the same themes ie getting others to believe that a comedian was actually a professional on whatever subject. The episode about marijuana was one of the funniest things I've ever seen when you take into account the comment ticker going throughout the show.
4. Man Show - I am a huge Adam Carolla fan, even if Jimmy Kimmel is not that funny, this show survived on the antics of the two together; specifically the episode when Adam takes his mother out on a date under the guise that every man wants a woman like his mother.
5. Insomniac - Dave Attell is hilarious. This show starts out with a very short stand up from him. The remainder of the show isn't extremely comical, but it does succeed in being one of the most interesting/intriguing show on comedy central.
Honorable mentions: Daily Show, Jon Stewart kept this from being on my list; South Park.
Dan's Top 5:
1. Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Everything Tim said is correct. I had actually forgotten that this had switched over to Comedy Central before making the jump to the SciFi channel (to date the only reason I'd ever watch the latter.) The only reason I'd ever not love an episode of this program is if the movie in question was just too painful to watch (Manos, the Hands of Fate was the only one to pass my movie pain threshold and still remain enjoyable due to good comedy). Notable favorite episodes include: Pumaman, Manos the Hands of Fate, Jack Frost, Space Mutiny, and The Sinister Urge. Of course, a majority of these aired on SciFi, but hey, it's the same series.
2. Strangers with Candy - I'll admit that for the longest time, the commercials for this program just struck a sour note with me - it just didn't seem like something I'd want to watch at all. However, after recently watching the series on DVD and learning that both Amy Sedaris and Stephen Colbert are geniuses, I love this show. The humor isn't the best in the world, but I feel the highlight is the delivery, primarily by Colbert and Greg Hollimon. Sorry, Tim, but I like this one.
3. The Colbert Report - Whenever I visit home, I use my laptop in the den, where the TV is, and for a while I'd be forced to watch the O'Riley Factor. Having to actually watch that shit really made me appreciate Colbert so much more.
4. Win Ben Stein's Money - A nice, moderately hard television quiz show. The series was full of things that I like: a face-off round with isolation booths, pop song references at the top of the show, innuendo in category titles, and Jimmy Kimmel getting the boot and being replaced with a hot chick.
5. Insomniac with Dave Attell - Thanks, Tory. I was about to consider The Daily Show as #5, but this is a better choice. This wasn't a side-splitting show, but it was unique and entertaining enough.
And now a variation of honorable mentions: Good shows that have declined too much for inclusion - The Daily Show, South Park.
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