Friday, November 2, 2007

Top 5 Things Unworthy of Top 5 Lists

(Edit: Tim's preamble)Inspired by an email I saw describing Ratdog as the leading member of what I regarded as the least prestigious honor of all time (see my #1), I concocted this list...things that by ranking, you subconsciously would have to accept that there was something -- anything -- positive about them. (e.g., it's hard to call anything about them "top" -- for instance, "top five members of Creed" would be a possible choice for the list -- assuming both that there are five members and that you could actually bring yourself to somehow differentiate their shittiness)

Dan's Top 5:

1. Top 5 Brutal Dictators - Hitler is #1, of course. That very sentence is the reason this Top 5 would suck, as Hitler is widely regarded as the most evil man in human history. Truly he and all other dictators are unworthy of Top 5 status.

2. Top 5 Lamar Odom Injuries - If you've played me in fantasy basketball, you know that I was plagued by the Lamar Odom curse. This guy has even been injured in a team shootaround. I would have put that as my #1, but a quick Google search shows that he JUST GOT INJURED AGAIN two days ago. This time he didn't even make it to the shootaround. He was driving to the shootaround when he got into a car accident and suffered a concussion.

3. Top 5 Steely Dan Singles - Really, Steely Dan has been on top of my hate list of music for quite some time. In fact, they're the reason I said I hated the 70's for so long. Then I later realized that so much good, non-Steely-Dan-sounding music was made in the 70's.

4. Top 5 Diseases - Malaria, Dysentery, Cancer... Very similar reasoning to Top 5 Creed members.

5. Top 5 Moments in Golf - Golf is a boring sport to watch. Every highlight in this top five is probably just going to be an insanely long putt.

Tim's Top 5:
1. Top 5 Jam Bands - Ratdog was described as "one of the top five jam bands of all time", putting them in company with Phish, Widespread Panic and The Grateful Dead (which itself spawned Ratdog). I can not only not name a fifth, nor can anyone who enjoys jam bands, because they're operating under such a minimal level of consciousness thanks to the pharmacopia that surrounds jam bands that they're not frequent list-makers.

2. Top 5 Terminal Cancers - It's one thing to say Terminal Diseases here...but let's be honest, leprosy is still funny, because you won't get it, no one you know will get it, it involves your fingers falling off, and if you somehow did get it, you really really earned it.

3. Top 5 Reasons to Join a Fraternity - #1-5 You're a douchebag and hope to meet other douchebags with an interest in douchebaggery and/or Dane Cook.

4. Top 5 Sofia Coppola movies - I have to say that, far and away, The Virgin Suicides is the best Sofia Coppola movie...and it is sheer horror from beginning to end. Even though she's not reached five films, just to include her in a sentence with words like "non-shitty", "competent", "workmanlike", "inoffensive", "harmless", and "notpureevil" is a strain upon the boundaries of the English lexicon.

5. Top 5 NASCAR Races - This is actually quite easy...whichever races go the fastest...the Pocono 25, for instance, would be an easy chart-topper, if they didn't then follow it up with 475 more miles. In a world of global warming and oil shortage, I know where we can cut back and save mother earth at the minor expense of destroying the South like none but Billy Tecumseh has before.

Ryan's Top Five

1. Top 5 McDonald's Ad Campaigns - Any list that had to include (or had to admit the existence of) the "I'm Lovin' It" campaign would probably negate the relevance of this website for perpetuity.

2. Top 5 John Stamos TV Shows - Anytime you have to say to yourself "Well I guess Full House would be #1," it's time to consider how much those guns at Wal-Mart cost. You only need one bullet.

3. Top 5 Ethnic Genocides - Similar to dictators. Not a lot of opportunities for laughs.

4. Top 5 Any Teams That ESPN Has Dubbed America's Teams, e.g. Notre Dame Football Moments, Red Sox-Yankees Moments, Patriots Moments, Etc. - These teams are generally fucking evil and should not be spoken of any more than the 9 hours of SportsCenter coverage forced down our throats daily.

5. Top 5 Nickelback Singles - This is an easy answer but the thought of it is still so vomit-inducing, I think it deserves mention on this list.

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