Top 5 Kitchen Tools or Appliances

Dan's Top 5:

We needed another off-the-wall list, I think.

1. Can Opener - Let's face it. If you've been hoarding food for the zombie apocalypse and you don't have a can opener, you're royally fucked. Canning is one of the best ways to preserve food, but pretty final if you don't have the means to open the can again. How are you going to eat those Spaghetti-O's if all you have is a screwdriver? Pretty ironic tool to have, since you'd be screwed at that point.

2. Toaster (or Toaster Oven) - I don't really care one way or another if I have a toaster or a toaster oven, because both accomplish the exact same thing: they get my Pop-Tarts warm. Sure, you could pop these in the microwave, but have you ever done that? Pop-Tarts suck if you nuke them. I keep telling myself I'll use the toaster oven for something else, like toasting bread, but first I'll have to load it with strawberry jam, frosting, and sprinkles.

3. Refrigerator/Freezer - Now, the refrigerator is a great appliance, sure. But sometimes you forget what's in there and have to open the door and decide what it is you want to snack on. In my house, the permissibility of this act was a few notches above performing satanic rituals. For a long time I actually did believe that it was possible to let all of the "cold" out of the refrigerator. Now I'm much wiser, and I've finally decided to have an ice cream sandwich.

4. Microwave - I assume this would rank a lot higher on most people's lists, but let's be honest... how often are you truly satisfied with the microwave's results? Everything that you decide to microwave suddenly "tastes microwaved." Also, employs a technology that has the potential to wreak havoc on a city's water supply (see Batman Begins).

5. Electric Mixer - have you ever tried mixing cake mix or cookie dough by hand using a spoon? If you haven't, let me fill you in - it can become a form of self-torture if you're working with something that's thick enough. A lot of whatever you're mixing does tend to get stuck to the beaters, though licking it off tends to be pretty damn good.

Honorable mention: Dishwasher (overrated), Whisk.