Sunday, July 29, 2007

Top 5 Worst Talking Heads

You know, talking heads. Politicos. Pundits. The scum of the earth.

Ryan's Top Five

1. Ann Coulter - The ice queen. She deserves whatever sick circle of hell she lands in. It takes a lot of insane courage to accuse 9/11 widows of profiteering. And arguing we should invade the Middle East and impose Christianity? Brilliance.

2. Bill O'Reilly - There are times when he's so ludicrous, and seemingly on the verge of laughing, that you think that maybe, just maybe, this is all one big joke he's playing on all of us. But, no, I'm afraid he's not. Which really makes him even more evil, when you think about it. Thus, he narrowly beats out the rest of the pack for second place. Bonus Evil Points for penning "The O'Reilly Factor For Kids," which I'm assuming didn't have a chapter on incorporating loofahs into shower sex with coworkers who aren't interested.

3. Tucker Carlson - This was a tough call, between Tucker and Sean Hannity. Tucker Carlson is one of those jackasses you knew in college who loved to debate anything--anything on earth, ever--just so that they could sound intelligent in some vague alternate universe where the bow-tie'ed people lead the hip set. In many ways I hate him more than O'Reilly. But, you know. Tomato, toh-mah-toe.

4. Sean Hannity - He's probably ranked this low because I've never had the appropriately masochistic attention span to leave his show on for longer than five minutes. But, what I have seen, is, wow.

5. Glenn Beck - This guy loses the style points requisite for a higher ranking by the fact that he's just plain dumb. Dumber than the previous four. I'm being painfully honest when I say I've not heard him say one thing that makes any kind of remote sense.

Dishonorable mentions: Rush Limbaugh (I'm sure, worse than some of my five, but I never encounter him, so he lucks out), Michael Savage, Nancy Grace. Anyone on Fox News, which is in no way affiliated with Ryan Fox.

Tim's Top 5
I have eschewed television and terrestrial radio for quite some time now, so I really have little to no basis to respond to this question. Hence, I will do so now.

1. Ann Coulter - Definitely difficult since she's not really given her own mouthpiece, so you just have to wait for the four or five times a year she says something so annoying, so obnoxious, that you are intimately aware that at some level even she thinks she's a blowhard.

2. Rush Limbaugh - While Ryan might have successfully avoided Limbaugh, I can make no such claims. But he scores this high on the list for three primary reasons: 1) blatant hypocrisy, 2) attempting to ruin ESPN, and 3) self-definition. Obviously he and Glenn Beck are both guilty of #1, given that they both have serious issues with drug abuse while condemning anyone more pigmented for dealing drugs that aren't oxycontin. #2 is obvious, I can't believe I left it off my list before on the curses of ESPN, but the fact that football after Sunday at 7 p.m. is meant for gamblers and obsessives who have no jobs really limited my encounters on that token. But, like the Republican Party (GOP, my ass) and Fox News (where we can copyright "fair and balanced"), I loathe Rush Limbaugh for his attempt to define himself into greatness through the "EIB Network". EIB = excellence in broadcasting. BULLSHIT (no acronym necessary).

3. Dr. James Dobson - He doesn't have a TV show, but he's just as bad. He scores extra bonus points for referring to my work on a personal level. Thanks, Dr. Dobson...that really made my day when I was stuck driving through rural eastern Pennsylvania and was desperate to find any radio station...and managed to hear you talking about it. Seriously, well done. Focus on being less retarded -- then start thinking about starting a family. Just a thought.

4. Sean Hannity - I've tried, over and over, to listen to this guy and see if I can do so without becoming furious. I can't. He is the master of the specious argument and rarely dabbles in anything else. My favorite case in point was in 2004 when a teenager called in to praise John Kerry, leaving Hannity to respond that John Kerry flies to his campaign appearances in a private jet that he bought...but President Bush does not own a private jet...clearly Bush cares more about the environment because he wouldn't use a private jet for those purposes. Seriously. This was an argument he made. Anyone who couldn't recall the name of the Harrison Ford action film that rendered this argument utterly pathetic...well, they ought not have the right to vote. But hey, if Kerry cared about the environment, he'd have already been elected in 2000 so he too could fly on Air Force One...not on a private jet.

5. Bill O'Reilly - I can let Keith Olbermann fight this battle for me, he does a better job than I would. O'Reilly still pretends to be a political independent, which is such a fraud that it really inspires some serious hatred on my part. O'Reilly is evil and resolves arguments by just talking over people, but without him, The Colbert Report would never have come into existence, which really puts him on the list of great American heroes. Apparently we had to destroy the village to save it.

Also in the running: Michael Savage for claiming to be non-partisan. Glenn Beck, Randi Rhoades, and Janeane Garofalo. Beck is a jackass, Rhoades and Garofalo emphasize just why Air America is such a bad idea -- because pundits who are always in one camp are bad, regardless of whether I agree with them 80% of the time or 10% of the time. Oh, and dating Ben Stiller doesn't imbue one with a sense of political brilliance.

Dan's Top 5:

1. Bill O'Reilly - Fuck this douchebag.

2. Ann Coulter - Fuck this douchebag.

3. Rush Limbaugh - Fuck this douchebag.

4. Sean Hannity - Fuck this douchebag.

5. Michael Savage - Fuck this douchebag.

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