Thursday, December 13, 2007

Top 5 Players That Are Hilariously Included in the Mitchell Report

Tim's Top 5:
I read the report, it's a load of garbage, but it is awesome to see that some really really inept players are accused of using steroids or HGH. The whole list of people included on the list is included at

1) Tim Laker - Wow. Seriously? It must only have improved his pitching (0.00 ERA), because if steroids empowered him to hit .226, it's truly shocking to think how bad he'd have been without the help.
2) Manny Alexander - See Tim Laker.
3) Nook Logan - How much farther did he want his bunt singles to go? If we've learned anything from Bonds and Canseco, it's that steroid use can really have detrimental impacts on people who try to steal bases regularly. Without the ability to steal bases, exactly what is it that you'd employ Nook Logan for? Bagging groceries?
4) Chuck Knoblauch - Combining him with Rick Ankiel, I can conclude that performance-enhancing drugs are apparently the primary cause of neurotic inability to throw a ball to its intended location.
5) Wally Joyner - This just lends unnecessary credence to the theory that taking steroids doesn't improve your ability to play baseball. Admittedly, he was washed up by the time he admitted using them, but he wasn't particularly un-washed up all that often in his career.

Dan's Top 5:

(Disclaimer: I'm only pulling names that I recognize from Wikipedia, and don't really know too much about the ones who haven't played recently.)

1. Jeremy Giambi - The shame of being named in the Mitchell report is nothing compared to the shame you experience when you realize that you're the lesser of two Giambis.

2. John Rocker - When you're John Rocker, steroids is probably the least offensive thing you've ever done. That includes playing for the Devil Rays.

3. Rick Ankiel - From what I understand, his use of HGH was prescribed by a physician to aid in the healing process after major Tommy John surgery. So following doctor's orders is, in some cases, banned by the MLB.

4. F.P. Santangelo - Don't know much about him, but allegedly he bought HGH in 2000 and 2001. All that for a single home run and an average of .197? Also, the name is fun to say out loud.

5. Eric Gagne - Apparently bought steroids in 2004. That was the year he got ten fewer saves than the year before, and his performance has sucked ever since due to injury. There are so few outstanding relievers, so why even bother with steroids?

Ryan's Top Five

1. Phil Hiatt

2. Phil Hiatt

3. Phil Hiatt

4. Phil Hiatt

5. Phil Hiatt

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